OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My wife came out as a lesbian. Can MOM work?

**Posted by lily** August 2, 2023 8:13 pm

thanks Anon, it really does make me feel better to get that sympathetic response even though it is a while ago now.

I'm going to be a bit brutal here. I think you are getting similar treatment and just haven't seen it yet though you are feeling the effects.

Her idea of partnership obviously doesn't include a lot of things you take for granted, things like honest accountability with your partner. To me, this is all about what will keep her happy and nothing about how it's making you feel let alone any thought for your happiness.

So time to look after yourself first, bat in your corner for a while.

Being yourself for your children is the best thing a parent can do.

Last edited by lily (August 2, 2023 8:19 pm)

**Posted by Rob** August 3, 2023 12:54 pm

Anon42,

With me when the lack of trust started making me physically shake I knew it was end...ie was she siphoning money as well as having an affair?

Regardless of money I had already felt the emotional disconnect and shift from me to her girlfriend. At that point matters of money and chivalry really were out the window. You are either for me or against me.. You either have fierce loyalty to me or you don't. There is no in-between. One cannot be a cheater, or to even want to cheat and be a loyal spouse...

Wising you courage, strength and stoicism.

**Posted by Anon42** August 3, 2023 1:41 pm

lily wrote:
I'm going to be a bit brutal here. I think you are getting similar treatment and just haven't seen it yet though you are feeling the effects.

You can be as brutal as you like, I'm not sure there are things you can say to upset me. My wife on the other hand can do a lot of that.
I hope it's not the case though that I'm getting a similar treatment, but see below.

lily wrote:
Being yourself for your children is the best thing a parent can do.

Yes, I'm trying to.

lily wrote:
With me when the lack of trust started making me physically shake I knew it was end...ie was she siphoning money as well as having an affair?

Yeah, the lack of trust is an issue. And looking back, I think I've had a lack of trust to her for a while now. I've felt discomfort when she was leaving the house to meet her friends even before the disclosure.

And now just recently I caught her joyfully talking on the phone for a long time with someone. When I asked who that was during the talk she got upset that I'm interfering. That it's rude to do that. Well, apparently it's some kind of a new gay girlfriend she got herself there. But it's me who is misbehaving, you see.

So yeah, now I'm suspicious of her talking to people over the phone. Which I shouldn't be since we're going to divorce. But it's not that easy you know.

**Posted by lily** August 4, 2023 6:43 pm

Once I understood my ex was manipulating me the process of working out a separation agreement became easier because I could see what it was he actually wanted - ie what he was manipulating me to get.

The recognition I never had a marriage but was the unwitting sap in his farce was painfully shocking but the burn fades and the comfort of liberation remains.

so getting brutal again, better out than in.

From my experience, there is a corrosive element in these marriages - the underlying repulsion in the magnetic field of sexual attraction, just to throw words at what it is I am seeing.

I know that when it came out in my life that he was gay for the next 3 weeks I had ultra long showers, I mean really long, 45 minutes or more and then one day I was standing on the verandah drying off and I thought I was going to be sick, then as I hung over the railing I felt like crying instead and it hung in the balance for a while and then I started crying and the sick feeling went away. And I just felt it was ok now and going to get better from there.

Last edited by lily (August 4, 2023 6:46 pm)

**Posted by Anon42** March 5, 2024 2:48 am

Just a little update here, I'm doing pretty well. Not in the sense that our family is back together, but that I'm over her, and the situation doesn't really bother me (well, except for the kids). I'd probably even say I'm more or less happy.

We're still living together, but she's about to move out and I'm going to start filling out the divorce papers.

Hang in there, things can get better over time.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 5, 2024 4:27 pm

That's good news Anon. As much as the written word can express emotion you sound calm and resolute. There will still be ups and downs...but you have my best wishes that the ups outweigh the downs.

I hope you feel the Forum, and specifically the MOM board....has helped and not hindered your journey..

Keep on with the updates, it's good for everybody to see them whichever decision is made.

Elle

**Posted by Anon42** March 5, 2024 8:46 pm

Thanks, Ellexoh! Yeah, this group, this forum, StraightSpouse meetings all helped me tremendously.
As well as just looking around and gathering some perspective on how bad things can really get, and that showed me that I don't really have much to be upset about.

**Posted by lily** March 8, 2024 4:26 pm

Hi Anon,

glad to hear things are on the up. good for you.

It is good to remember how lucky we are, compared to the situations of so many people in the world - not that that stops me from whining and I have to say being caught in a MOM for so many years and waking up to it was very painful!

all the best, thanks for the update, Lily