OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Do bisexuals really exist?

**Posted by ellierigg** July 20, 2023 2:16 am

I guess this topic already exists somewhere in this forum, but I’d love everyones insights and opinions. I tend to believe that there are rather gay people who can sexually function with opposite sex, but they are still gay. Does anyone here have/had a bisexual partner who also had opposite sex relationships outside your marriage/partnership?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 20, 2023 3:05 am

ellierigg wrote:
....Does anyone here have/had a bisexual partner who also had opposite sex relationships outside your marriage/partnership?

Yes I did. I don't know if, initially, it was just a ruse to get me to come round to the idea of an open reship. And right at the beginning of the end he said to me "I use her as a sounding board but it's men that hold my interest"
I'll forever be grateful he was that honest because as I said it was the beginning of the end and every truth was another push towards leaving him

Elle

**Posted by ellierigg** July 20, 2023 3:21 am

Thank you Elle.
But this sounds to me exactly as I believe: your ex can sexually function with a woman, but he is gay…
I met my ex yesterday. He is seeing a man, but he still can’t say he is gay. His family knows that he is seeing a man, some of his colleagues know as well. But he still says he doesn’t know what he is…
I guess it’s hard for
him to accept his reality.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 20, 2023 3:55 pm

ellierigg wrote:
....But this sounds to me exactly as I believe: your ex can sexually function with a woman, but he is gay…
I met my ex yesterday. He is seeing a man, but he still can’t say he is gay. His family knows that he is seeing a man, some of his colleagues know as well. But he still says he doesn’t know what he is…
I guess it’s hard for him to accept his reality.

Maybe he is gay, maybe he isn't. He is now in the periphery of my life and if he ever asks to "reassess us" again I'll be telling him "I left you so you don't have to hide anymore"
We're still able to communicate (38 years = a lot to untangle) but I walked away and try not to dwell on the who, what and why of him

Elle

**Posted by ellierigg** July 20, 2023 4:35 pm

Elle,
Yea. It doesn’t really matter what our exes are, as we know life with them would not be good enough for us. Every few weeks I have a coffee with my ex. We talk, then we both cry, then hug and go our separate ways.

**Posted by lily** July 20, 2023 5:03 pm

EllieRigg, I agree with you.

Has anyone heard of someone having a midlife crisis and going straight??? of course not.

The stories of bisexuals 'turning' gay are legion.

Then there's just my gut sense of biology. I don't buy it - it feels completely unlikely to me, wouldn't my whole system fuse?

It seems to me that orientation is basic and then there's a lot of adapting to it. And when it is same sex orientation, being able to tolerate having sex with the opposite sex, at least at some point, has to be there to pass on in the generations, doesn't it.

Last edited by lily (July 20, 2023 5:05 pm)

**Posted by Anon42** July 20, 2023 5:50 pm

ellierigg wrote:
Does anyone here have/had a bisexual partner who also had opposite sex relationships outside your marriage/partnership?

My wife dated and had sex with only men before marrying me. She also says that she fell in love in girls in school and that she told me that (but I don't remember - did not pay appropriate attention to this huge red flag).
Now she claims she has 0 desire for me and all the desire to date women.

**Posted by Blackie563** July 20, 2023 7:35 pm

I tend to agree. I do not speak to my ex wife (because she is a compulsive liar and I am finally healthy physically after being sick for 20+ years being with her) but one of the last things she told me was she was very attracted to men, but felt she would be better with a woman. She is currently with a woman now. Based on her actions before we sold the house, I have every reason to believe she is only claiming to be gay now to avoid accepting responsibility for all she has done. That said, to have sex with someone same sex, you have to be a little gay right? So I think its possible to be bi-sexual, as for some its just a physical act. As for my ex, she is gay now. I suspect at some point she will say she is bi and likely return to "straight" before its all said and done. Regardless, I don't care, being away from her as been the best thing in my life. I did not see it at the time, but am very happy it all happened. It freed me and without it, I would have stayed because I am loyal.

**Posted by walkbymyself** July 21, 2023 12:24 pm

My ex was an unbelievable snob (red flag I didn't see). In his case, when he was younger -- in his teens and twenties -- I suspect he had enough youthful testosterone that he could perform with women, and he convinced himself that he was bisexual. I think as he got older, he was less and less able to maintain an erection with a woman, but because bisexuality confers a certain status among incredibly snobbish gay men, he clung to that delusion.

**Posted by Anon 765** July 21, 2023 4:55 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
I walked away and try not to dwell on the who, what and why of him

I think this is the best advice. Dwelling on how someone identifies is tempting, to unravel what feels like a great mystery at times. But it only prolongs hurt and delays healing.

I feel a lot better when I can put my focus on my life and how I want to move forward.

Anon 765