Posted by stuck1  July 13, 2023 8:43 am | #21 |
M-Kate, your post really resonated with me. My husband has come out as a Trans-Lesbian. He also has wanted me to f_ck him with toys. I just could not. He says that this is not sexual to him - but we go shopping and he picks out a bra and matching panties and gets hard in the store. And insists that this is not sexual! (I'm not buying it!) While I love this person, I cannot stay married to him. I've asked for a divorce and we are starting the process. It is AWFUL. I tried to accept and change. I tried so very hard. I just cannot be who he wants me to be and I am exhausted. He never accepted the boundaries that I put up or cared about how things made me feel. I am doing my best now to try to keep it all together for me and my kids. I went through the "great sex" phase myself a while ago. I was hoping for a different outcome. Time will tell and show you what you need to know. My advice is to set your boundaries and stick to them. Be who you are.
S
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Posted by M-Kate July 13, 2023 8:57 am | #22 |
Yes, I know that divorce would be awful for me as well, and I don't think I'd feel any better. I'd probably still have the same anxiety and I'd be lonely. Is a bisexual husband better than no husband? I think that overall, my life may be better with him in it (if I can accept him).
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Posted by Butterfly49 July 13, 2023 11:22 am | #23 |
Abby I did indeed LOL at your post - I will keep that in mind!
My husband of 15 years (been together 20 years) has recently said he is bisexual. I have had suspicions a long time and a long story. The facts for me are that he has 'hooked up' with men for sex - he is saying he likes to be in the submissive role, be dressed in women's clothes/stockings and 'forced' to give the other man a BJ etc.. Saying he has not done sex/anal with another man - yeah right!! & I am sure I am only getting a glimpse of what he has done. I know he watches a lot of porn - all sorts and some hardcore (nothing illegal). I can barely look at him at the moment, can not bear to think where his mouth and d**k have been - sorry - and recoil at the thought of him going near me. This was not what married life for me should be about. I have 2 kids, so trying to stay grounded at the moment and be strong. My husband has been leading a double life and the layers of lies and betrayal are horrible. I realise he will always have an attraction to men/d**ks and that will never change. He is very self absorbed and all about himself since all this came out - having a breakdown/poor me. I just have to stay true to myself and I DESERVE BETTER than this crap - as do we all in these horrible situations.
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Posted by M-Kate July 13, 2023 12:15 pm | #24 |
My husband told me that he was addicted to porn and that it contributed to his wanting to hook up with a guy again (he did so 10 years ago). He now says that he has changed his ways and will earn back my trust. He wants to stay married and monogamous (because that's what I would require). I'm concerned that since he deceived me for 29 years, he could probably do it again and I'd never know. It also bothers me that he would prefer an open marriage. He doesn't think that it would put me in harms way (as I've tried to get him to understand). He says things like "the younger generation is much more excepting of these things".
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Posted by Anon42 July 13, 2023 1:05 pm | #25 |
M-Kate wrote:
I'm concerned that since he deceived me for 29 years, he could probably do it again and I'd never know.
That would always be the case. Are you sure you can live with it?
It also bothers me that he would prefer an open marriage. He doesn't think that it would put me in harms way (as I've tried to get him to understand). He says things like "the younger generation is much more excepting of these things".
Yeah, I've had a similar talk to my wife just yesterday (well, we've discussed this several times over the months after the disclosure). She also says that I'm not "modern" enough because I for some reason can't accept an open "marriage" and want a divorce instead. "It's very popular these days" she says.
It's funny how even thinking about this is hurtful to me, but she is all for and is suggesting this.
Oh well, I guess I'm going to be the one ruining our marriage because I'm not open enough. Must be all my fault. My wife got unlucky with such a backward husband. It seems like your husband is not lucky in this way either. We should empathize with them due to their unfortunate circumstances!
Last edited by Anon42 (July 13, 2023 1:06 pm)
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Posted by M-Kate July 13, 2023 1:41 pm | #26 |
They want to have their cake & eat it too!
I think that if my husband really loved me, he wouldn't want an open marriage. When I try to make this point, he says that we will be monogamous since that's what I want and that I shouldn't hold his thoughts / fantasies against him. Perhaps I shouldn't, but I do.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz July 13, 2023 3:01 pm | #27 |
I think that if my husband really loved me, he wouldn't want an open marriage.
.
....A. wanted "one day a month "to explore" and when I said no he promised we could be monogamous and he would be resentful but he'd "stuff all those feelings down" (shaming me)
As time went on and our intimacy became quick and forced I said "no more"...and honestly expected him to be gone in 6 months. But he stayed. Because our r'ship represented the status quo of heterosexuality I suppose and was a front for anything else he could do on his own.
We had a solid r'ship until I realised it was only solid because he wanted to be able to be two people and would be prepared to promise me anything to be, however secretly, that other person
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon42 July 13, 2023 3:48 pm | #28 |
They want to have their cake & eat it too!
Yup. And the second cake is actually ours 
I think that if my husband really loved me, he wouldn't want an open marriage.
I have the same thoughts about my wife, even though she claims she still loves me (just not in "that way").
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Posted by Rob July 13, 2023 4:59 pm | #29 |
"..is a bisexual husband better than no husband? "
For me my GX was so secretive and dishonest..so no...it got to the point where I needed pills and it was affecting my health.
She epitomized the horriblness of TGT. Was she meeting this friend to go "shopping" or have sex? This friend was straight so no but her girlfriend was not..oh but maybe they didn't have sex that night and really went shopping. The one time she was picked up by the straight friend and dropped at the gay girlfriends. See..I only went out with so and so.. I was left shaking wondering what was true and what wasn't.
If your husband is bi but says he will remain faithful what proofs can he offer if he has a good looking gay coworker? Will he resent you? Why are you not enough?
Sorry for being so down but it's a triggering subject..
Thought of strength and courage for all.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Abby July 13, 2023 6:40 pm | #30 |
Your husband is not showing a lot of love or respect for you. He went behind your back and cheated for years and now he lets you know that he he'd prefer an open relationship but you are just too old--fashioned...
Having a bi-sexual husband is not better than having no husband where there is going to be constant pressure on you to give in to what he wants, and to worry whether he is having sex with others anyway, safely or not.. .
Sleeping well is a wonderful thing. even if it is alone.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
