Posted by Hailyourself  June 29, 2023 5:28 am | #1 |
Has anyone in the straight spouse community used a divorce mediator? I live in the state of PA. I saw a lawyer last month for the first time. And she recommended the mediator route. We had our first mediator appointment yesterday. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. We have a 15-year-old son and I know in his heart he is really struggling with all of this. His father is MTF trans. The transition began in 2020. My child has stated that he doesn't want to bounce between homes but the mediator thinks he should. And I don't feel great about it. She thinks that having maximum exposure to both parents is what is best, which means a regimented schedule so the child doesn't have to feel guilty about leaving one parent to go visit the other and vice versa. I was more on the side of letting my child decide, but I do understand that putting that pressure on him will elicit guilt because he loves both of us. All of this sucks. I didn't create this. And the person that did has very little sadness around the whole environment they created. In fact, they don't take any accountability for the fact that this is of their creation.
Posted by Sam (Admin)  Online!June 29, 2023 12:28 pm | #2 |
I got a mediated divorce in PA and saved a lot of money. Everything is negotiable. If your husband goes along with it, you can insist on whatever arrangements you want. The mediator can't dictate what you do, only point out norms and guidelines to use as starting points. If the mediator insists on this, find another mediator.
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Posted by Hailyourself June 29, 2023 12:44 pm | #3 |
Thank you Sam. I appreciate your reply. That was the point was to try to save money. We only had the first appointment with the mediator and I'm willing to follow up in another couple of weeks and see if I can get some of my questions answered. I'm just feeling scared and down in the dumps today. Somebody told me good mediation means both parties give something up and I feel like yesterday's appointment felt like it was mostly me giving things up.
Last edited by Hailyourself (June 29, 2023 12:44 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 29, 2023 1:07 pm | #4 |
Hail....at 15 your son's wishes and concerns should definitely be taken in to consideration.
Isn't a mediator supposed to be for the adults? Expressing an opinion about where your son should live sounds like it's a personal suggestion of the mediator.
That's my opinion anyway. And as a mother I will always listen to the concerns of a child , rather than a stranger who will have...edited to say.... His or her own personal view on what is a very contentious issue that seems to come down to who should be seen too be supported more.
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 29, 2023 1:28 pm)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon42 June 29, 2023 1:11 pm | #5 |
Hailyourself, while I haven't yet been to the mediator, I'm planning on doing that as well. And indeed, mediator is supposed to just help you agree on what you want, everything should be negotiable.
Also, I wanted to correct you a bit: a good negotiation in general leaves everyone with what they wanted (at least what they think they wanted) and not with everyone loosing.
But yes, definitely you should not be giving everything up. And yes, I'd think your kid might have a say.
Maybe change the mediator?
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 29, 2023 1:31 pm | #6 |
Anon42 wrote:
....
Maybe change the mediator?
This is what I would do. Take back some of the power that you feel is being taken from you Hail
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Hailyourself June 29, 2023 1:54 pm | #7 |
Hail....at 15 your son's wishes and concerns should definitely be taken in to consideration.
Isn't a mediator supposed to be for the adults? Expressing an opinion about where your son should live sounds like it's a personal suggestion of the mediator.
That's my opinion anyway. And as a mother I will always listen to the concerns of a child , rather than a stranger who will have...edited to say.... His or her own personal view on what is a very contentious issue that seems to come down to who should be seen too be supported more.
Elle
That was my understanding as well. The mediator who I guess used to be a family law attorney said that studies show divorce isn't what harmed children it's conflict that does. Almost like guilting me into backing down I guess...idk. We meet with her again in August and I have more questions. Obviously nothing is carved in stone. But after digesting the information for 24 hours, I'm not super comfortable with the situation. I need more input. And yes, 15 almost 15 and a half. By the time all of this is said and done will very likely be 16. So ridiculous to put somebody so close to adulthood through all of this.
Separation is highly necessary now. The temperature in this home is high tension. Pretty much all of the time. MTF trans soon to be ex Spouse says that he needs space and wants to be separated but cannot leave the home until the divorce is finalized. Which I know before anybody tells me is complete and utter nonsense.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 29, 2023 2:22 pm | #8 |
......MTF trans soon to be ex Spouse says that he needs space and wants to be separated but cannot leave the home until the divorce is finalized. Which I know before anybody tells me is complete and utter nonsense.
Sounds like a bit of a power struggle and like he wants to make you uncomfortable enough to be the one to leave?
Don't do it!
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon42 June 29, 2023 2:53 pm | #9 |
...The mediator who I guess used to be a family law attorney said that studies show divorce isn't what harmed children it's conflict that does. Almost like guilting me into backing down I guess...idk
....
Separation is highly necessary now. The temperature in this home is high tension....
My understanding is that the divorce harms children if they don't get access to the father and the mother. The conflict does make getting this access worse (especially if one parent badmouths another one, and tries to separate the other from the kids). But it is possible to be good parents to the kids, while being in conflict and not communicating much to each other.
However, in case of trans, I have doubts that there will be beneficial healthy male behavior from your husband to grant him a lot of access to the child.
But of course, you know your situation better than anyone, and the son should have a say as well.
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Posted by Hailyourself June 29, 2023 3:50 pm | #10 |
......MTF trans soon to be ex Spouse says that he needs space and wants to be separated but cannot leave the home until the divorce is finalized. Which I know before anybody tells me is complete and utter nonsense.
Sounds like a bit of a power struggle and like he wants to make you uncomfortable enough to be the one to leave?
Don't do it!
E
I've been saying for quite some time that this is like survivor island. And no I'm not moving a muscle. I can't afford to. I absolutely am aware that I am being bullied and manipulated. The part that I don't understand is I followed through and did all the things. I never stopped my husband from dressing around the home or doing what he needed to do outside of the home. I went a couple's therapy. I went to therapy on my own. I tried. He's the winner here. He gets to walk out of here pretty much Scott free. He has his own business. He will be fine. Why he has to kick me on the way out the door. I'm not so sure I understand nor will I ever. 22 years of marriage 25 years of the relationship. I guess in hindsight, it's easy to look back and see where there were hints of how this was going to go. I didn't discover his closet until 2016. Where I stumbled upon it. His transition started in 2021
