OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Spouses new way of dressing is triggering

**Posted by Mothersee** June 21, 2023 1:18 am

My husband feels feminine so he wears skirts and jewelry sometimes it triggers me he changed his name on social media and introducing himself as brinn not Brian that triggers me a lot not sure how to deal with this he thinks if I ask him questions it will help me relate but I'm.nit sure cause I won't call him brinn i don't feel comfortable with that.

**Posted by Anon42** June 21, 2023 12:55 pm

I'm sorry this is happening, to you Mothersee!
I am fortunate to not have experienced issues like this with my spouse. However, from what I've read on the forum or heard on podcasts, unfortunately things like these usually progress into a worse direction (full blown transgender).
You have every right to be uncomfortable, worried and triggered. You have every right to set boundaries where you feel comfortable.
It may not be a popular opinion, but I would say that if your husband wants to cooperate, and you don't want a divorce, you may want to try and find a therapist who could help him with his issues. I am not sure if they are solvable, but I have hope that they are.
Though these days, if you're in US, it might be tricky to find a therapist who would not just "affirm his gender", but will offer real help.
Sorry that I don't have much else to offer than this.

**Posted by Mothersee** June 21, 2023 1:02 pm

Thank you he is in therapy he's working out his tramas hea not trans he doesn't want to be a woman he just feels feminine at times he identities as non binary gender fluid

**Posted by Rob** June 21, 2023 5:59 pm

Did you tell him he is hurting you? That he keeps hurting you?

**Posted by Mothersee** June 21, 2023 6:06 pm

Yes he knows it bothers me I feel guilty that it does because I want to support him I would want support if the situation was reversed. So I'm caught between feeling angry and very anxious to wanting to be ok with it

**Posted by Grace1958** June 23, 2023 5:41 pm

Hi Mothersee, My hubby is gender fluid and xdresses, too. Sometimes I wonder if gender fluid is harder to deal with than a person just making up their mind and being one or the other. 1st hubby came out as gay and we just got a divorce. Easy decision. Done. With a partner who is sometimes the person you married and sometimes this "other" person, it's terribly confusing and stressful. Who are you laying down with at night? Who are you at dinner with? Who is making (or trying to) make love to you? But then there's still the love for the person and you try hard to understand. You feel like a bad person for not loving the whole person in all their facets. But you married a man. A male gendered, male acting person. And now there's this female person, too and it almost feels like there are three people in the relationship.
Just wanted you to know your feelings are more than valid. This is hard stuff.
Right now we are still married and have separate bedrooms though we watch tv together in the principal bedroom. He (he prefers he) gets upset when I ask "who is there right now?" because I want to snuggle but only with male him. Keeps trying to explain that he is one person who just sees the world as two genders. Well I tried. One morning when I was still sleeping in there I woke up and rolled over to find "her" when I was expecting him. Now I am no longer comfortable sleeping in there.
Like yours, mine does not have any interest in transitioning. Over a year of therapy has make him very clear on that.
Hope you are hanging in there. This is not easy stuff.

**Posted by Mothersee** June 23, 2023 6:38 pm

Thank you for replying my spouse and I still have an intimate relationship. We don't sleep in separate beds. He still finds me attractive he still wants to be with me he just says he's attracted to I guess anyone he finds attractive. I don't really understand it but he is in therapy and so am I we have three grown kids the girls know but my son doesn't really know my husband will talk to him when he gets home later in the year he's in the airfotce yes it's stress fill thank you for answering

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 23, 2023 10:23 pm

Mothersee wrote:
Thank you for replying my spouse and I still have an intimate relationship. We don't sleep in separate beds. .....

Mothersee....nothing will change if you stay in an intimate r'ship.
It's another tie that binds you to the man who makes you feel
like you're "caught between feeling angry and very anxious",
and both of those are very negative emotions which won't be
helping you. At all.

Elle

**Posted by stuck1** June 24, 2023 4:39 pm

Mothersee, I am in a similar situation. My husband originally came out as a cross dresser. That morphed into fluid - then trans. Then came the over-the-counter hormones/supplements. About a month ago, he tells me that his therapist sent him to a doctor, and she prescribed him hormone pills. From the very beginning, I did not want to see him dressed up. I set a boundary and he crossed it many times - all the while hurting me so very badly. He's never shown any remorse, empathy, etc. We are presently talking about divorce. He's not happy but not surprised. I am just exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally. I agree that you cannot stay in an intimate r'ship and expect change. My advice (which I have hated when given to me) would be to 1. find a therapist for yourself 2. learn to set boundaries and stick to them (easier said than done) 3. decide what you want for YOU and then go with that. The rules of your marriage were changed abruptly.

Two things that have really changed my mindset:
1. Would you have married him then if you knew this is how it is?
2. "When staying is worse than leaving". (This is where I'm at now.)

All my best,

Stuck1

**Posted by WhatIwant11** September 24, 2023 4:28 pm

Hi Mothersee and all, my first time here and responding. Appreciate all the shares. It is interesting as first my husband, went to pansexual, then porn type expanded. Then disclosed he had sexual relationship with a man. Back to being in a heterosexual relationship. After that started to wear feminine clothes. Now in our relationship, and with help of therapist, it is a reason it is called a journey. It is a life long journey and where a person is now, like your husband being clear on not wanting to fully transition, may be a short stop or detour or a full stop. It is hard to say, yet it is a journey and you are on it too. Have you asked yourself if you want to be on this journey or is there something else you want? I found the more open and accepting I am to my husband the further he goes on his journey. Longer hair, Earrings. Nails painted. More clothes. Make up. He has been adamant he would never transition or go outside dressed as a woman yet all that is changing and moving forward. My therapist asks me what I want as my husband is definitely on the journey to what he wants. I am clear his journey is not my journey yet getting clear on what I want is challenging for me through this emotional muck. Whatever you choose I pray it is what you want.