Posted by M-Kate  June 22, 2023 6:12 am | #1 |
It’s been two months since my husband of 29 years revealed that he was bi-sexual.
He has promised to stop deceiving me and to re-commit to our marriage. He says that he does not intend to seek out sex with a man again, but has agreed to let me know if he decides to do so in the future.
I want to believe him, but he never would have revealed anything if he hadn’t been blackmailed. He was planning to hook up with a man when he was hacked two months ago. He said that he was planning to pursue sex with a man after watching a lot of gay porn. As he was watching, he realized that he was missing out on something that he really wanted to experience.
Based on the positive things that he has said about polyamory, I don’t think that he really believes in monogamy. I don’t think that he thinks that cheating on me is wrong or any of my business. When I push this issue with him, he says that he’s not going to seek out sex with a man again because he doesn’t want to hurt me (not that he thinks that there is anything wrong with cheating on me).
If I stay in this marriage, I will have to be willing to accept that my husband is bi-sexual and will always WANT to have sex with a man again and that one day he may decide to do so. I believe that he still wants to experience his gay porn fantasies. I don’t think that I’ve really ACCEPTED this reality and I don’t know whether I will be able to do so.
Last edited by M-Kate (June 22, 2023 7:24 am)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 22, 2023 2:52 pm | #2 |
M-Kate wrote:
It’s been two months since my husband of 29 years revealed that he was bi-sexual.....
The realisation of what A's bisexuality meant unravelled over many years. Because I was in love....he introduced it as something that would benefit and enhance our r'ship. And it did for a while. So I had a slow awakening to what this would ultimately mean. In the middle of it...he was promising to stop, but always it seeped in between us, one instance being a list of 60 things (in the absence of him having my okay for bi-exploration) that we could do together to make up for his loss ~!@#$%?
So it was always in his mind M-Kate....never far from his fantasies and dreams and he may very well have been able to stick to a monogamous MOM....but in the end I could see that the cherished trust I'd had in this man had been sullied so much that as far as our sexual life was concerned it was a sham. It's my/your/our trust that they lose, that they don't appreciate because what's inside them is bigger than any respect they may have.
Then I had two choices. I could stay, live a great life, be taken care of.....but accept I had little control over how this affected my self-esteem and how A. actually saw me as a person. Or I could decide to leave all that behind and separate.
It's fucking scary being in the world cut off from all that I've known for the last 38 years.
But there's a small kernel of strength inside me (that's actually always been there) and it's up to me to bring it out
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by M-Kate June 22, 2023 3:47 pm | #3 |
Yes, I think that I'll need to leave this marriage. I'll need to figure out how to do it!
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Posted by Anon 765 June 22, 2023 6:13 pm | #4 |
I want to believe him, but he never would have revealed anything if he hadn’t been blackmailed.
Hi M-Kate,
Can you trust him to be honest in the future? And can you do it without constantly looking over your shoulder or driving yourself nuts wondering where he is?
It's not an easy decision, for sure. You have the right to a healthy relationship.
Money seems to be the biggest obstacle to separation/divorce, so the sooner you can figure that part of it out, the better!
I wish you luck and courage!
Anon 765
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 22, 2023 10:02 pm | #5 |
Yes, I think that I'll need to leave this marriage. I'll need to figure out how to do it!
Don't rush. Look for support because you can't do this alone. Do you have family who will be there for you? And I don't mean financially (although that wouldn't be bad lol) I mean simply as a soundingboard....
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Rob June 23, 2023 6:15 am | #6 |
M-Kate,
Your experiencing what I call the horribleness of TGT. When your your husband meets a guy friend for say golf is it two guys playing golf or a date? Are they having sex? Why should you have to wonder? It's not something they can put back in the bottle with verbal promises .or rather why should we need promises.
I would physically shake when my then wife went "shopping". Some were friends but one was her lover . I could not physically take it anymore..the distrust was eating me up.. (but she was viciously cheating and did not care or want the marriage anymore).
Only you can decide if his actions and words are to be trusted..if he makes you feel you you are enough..we should be enough for our spouses..we should be more than enough. We should not have ask or snoop or suspect...
Wishing you strength, courage, and self love.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by M-Kate June 23, 2023 1:04 pm | #7 |
We had another conversation this morning. He says that his interest in sex with men isn't a priority for him and that he just wants to focus on our marriage. I wonder whether he will be able to suppress these feelings now that he has "come out" to me.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 23, 2023 2:40 pm | #8 |
..... I wonder whether he will be able to suppress these feelings now that he has "come out" to me.
The only way to prove it...is to believe he'll suppress the feelings that gnaw at him. But take careful note of his words and actions. It'll be in your head all the time because as Rob says once it's out the only person you can trust to tell you he's keeping it in...is the person you've lost trust in.
Don't be concerned that this may take awhile to resolve because actually your heart and emotions have to figure out who is going to benefit from this before your head and commonsense get on top of it and start to make decisions that will put you in charge of what's happening in your life.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon 765 June 23, 2023 2:50 pm | #9 |
I like what Elle said.
One way to look at this is to examine how you would feel about any betrayal. Say your spouse had an affair. What barometers would you need to trust again? Or a gambling addiction? Drinking problem? There are many types of trust betrayals that break up marriages.
It was a slow process for me decide that I wouldn't be able to stay with someone if I was always wondering about their orientation. And this was a choice that I made 100% for me, based on my needs. I needed to not be wondering. That in itself was wrecking our relationship, no matter whether my former partner intended to experiment or not.
It will definitely take time to figure out what you want, need and deserve from a partner, and see whether or not you are getting that from him. Be patient and kind to yourself, because this is really hard stuff.
Anon 765
