OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / He's starting to transition - need help please!

**Posted by stuck1** June 20, 2023 4:15 pm

Hi Everyone, I'm looking for some support/help/your experiences . . .

About a month ago my husband obtained prescription hormones from a doctor that his LGBTQ therapist advised him to see. I have made it clear to him, his current therapist (which was formerly our marriage therapist), that I will support him - but not as his wife. So, he obtains these prescriptions and tells me that "he would not have to take these if I would just be able to "give" him what he needs". (You can translate this as he wants be intimate with him. I am no longer comfortable with this as I identify as a straight woman and do not find women attractive - which I have explained multiple times.) So there's nothing fun going on at our house. I then notice that he is acting weird (weirder than usual now) and realize that he is taking the medication. He's taken a full month of hormones now . . . .and I want a divorce. This is not for me.
1. Anyone else had the transition start? Is this only the beginning?
2. Did he/she still blame you for his/her decisions?
3. Did the marriage make it? I hear that some people make it . . . although I'm not sure how.
4. If you asked for a divorce, what did you say? (I'm having trouble finding the words. Which seems really odd to me.)

I hope that I do not offend anyone with this post. It's just that I do not have anyone else to ask.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 20, 2023 4:58 pm

OOHC (Out of his closet) would have been the best person to give you advice but she's not here anymore.

I had a bisexual partner who only wore undergarments in the bedroom but I'm sure I would have left him sooner if he'd been trans.

Be strong and determined. Decide what you don't want and work towards not having it in your life

Elle

**Posted by lily** June 20, 2023 6:44 pm

what kind of a friend has he been to you? same goes for his therapist.

My suggestion is that you accept the main issue you have here to help you going forwards in your life - money.

All the new clothes, let alone the hormones cost a lot of money, and on it goes. see if you can get your finances separated sooner rather later.

**Posted by stuck1** June 21, 2023 3:12 pm

This is EXCELLENT advice. I only wish that I had it about 4 years ago. Of course, I did not realize what was going on at that time. And I've been in the "know" now for almost 3 years. In my defense, in the "know" has evolved as I have been "spoon fed" his/her truth little by little. I suspect as this is as he/she can accept his/her reality but also to "normalize" what has been going on.

**Posted by lily** June 21, 2023 4:28 pm

He has been living with his reality all his life.

Sounds like he is trickle-truthing - changing the way you view him incrementally and I can't imagine he will ever be honest with you. This is not an honest person. Where is his caring for you?

However much you might sympathise with his situation, where is his sympathy for you?

Protect your finances, your physical health, and most importantly, talk with any family and friends you have that can be supportive of you.

**Posted by Rob** June 21, 2023 5:56 pm

stuck1,

So sorry..

He has change the fundamental arrangement and promise of the marriage. I have no experience with trans but my gay ex (GX) had decided unbeknownst to me to go on anti-depressants without telling me.. This altered her behavior to really mean and cruel.. (well she is still that way so maybe it wasn't the pills).
Regardless what I learned going through this is I had no more control over my GX than I did the tides or weather. I would say he can take pills and transition to a female or green alien if he wants. But I dont think that falls under the "in sickness and health" clause of the one's marriage vows. He is intentionally hurting you and the support you give can be simply kindness as you divorce him. He is free to choose his transitioning over you and you are free to choose your life over his transitioning. Build your support system and know that you did not cause this. This is all him.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 21, 2023 8:02 pm

Rob wrote:
....... He is free to choose his transitioning over you and you are free to choose your life over his transitioning.....

I love how you put this Rob. In the end it's paring it down to it's basic truth

E.

**Posted by stuck1** June 23, 2023 2:58 pm

Rob and Ellexoh_nz - Thanks so much for the kind words. I am just so sad but excited for what the future may hold for me and my kids. I want peace so very badly and know that I will never get it while living with him/her.

**Posted by Grace1958** June 23, 2023 5:45 pm

I agree with the others. Since you now "know" in your heart this is ending, see a lawyer, soon! Separate your finances. Start with printing out everything you can find on your bank accounts, retirement, etc, etc. That gives you a starting point for negotiations.

And yes, Rob - excellent stuff there!

**Posted by Rob** June 23, 2023 8:59 pm

Elle, Grace,

Thanks...I've been through this for sure..went from a complete basket case to being so thankful to be away from TGT.

One thing I learned for sure..they are shocked when we make decisions that don't favor them..shocked when we finally stand up on moral level..