OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What do I do if he won’t Admit it?

**Posted by Jen8781** June 16, 2023 10:48 am

I found out my husband was visiting an adult bookstore for sex with a man. He totally denies it and is now gaslighting me. He says he will no longer be intimate with me because I don’t trust him and I’m crazy. We were best friends and had a great sex life up until this. The best sex I ever had. Although we had great sex he never showed any other forms of affection. No kisses, hugs or holding hands. He would hug me if I initiated it. We have been married 21 years and have two kids. I’m a stay at home mom and I’m lost and devastated. I found text message and I tracked him so I know he’s lying. There was another time, years ago, that I found him doing searches on Craigslist for massages. He gave me some lame excuse about looking for a friend who was recently divorced to cheer him up. I was so stupid. So many signs that I didn’t see. I loved him with all my heart and never in a million years would think we’d split up. We always told our kids “you never have to worry about mom and dad splitting up”. We did everything together. He never goes out and is always with us which is why I didn’t find out until now. I saw a weird text pop up and clicked on it. I was shocked. He would stop on his way home from work so I never knew. I am just so lost and scared.

**Posted by ellierigg** June 16, 2023 11:48 am

I don’t have time to write right now, but just wanted to quickly let you know that you are not alone and that you will survive this. There is a lot of support here, and all of us went through a similar thing.
Sending a long firm hug your way.

**Posted by Daryl** June 16, 2023 6:53 pm

Yes, this is gaslighting. When flat out denial won't work, because there's evidence, convince the other person that they are delusional and make them into the bad person. DARVO - Deny, accuse, reverse victim, offender.

This initial shock is normal. Your world has been turned upside down. I'd suggest talking to someone, a friend or close family. People who have your back and will keep your conversation confidential. Once the spinning stops you can start to think about where you go from here.

Remember that you matter.

**Posted by Abby** June 17, 2023 7:24 am

Thank your lucky stars that he will no longer be intimate with you and make an appointment with your doctor to be tested for all infections which can be transmitted sexually.

I have to go now but will write more later.

**Posted by Rob** June 17, 2023 8:36 am

Jen8781,

.." I am just so lost and scared."..

So sorry it is a shock.. There is a first aid thread on the forum . Definitely start small steps to build a support sytem and get your bearings. You dont have to do or decide anything in a day. Do not think as a stay at home mom you are bound to him..

(I'm years out but in a mood today... feeling bewildered about my GX's entitlement); like she said when she was having an affair that she gave me (really herself) a year before cheating...like I was on some secret probation. Her arrogance to this day astounds me.. So she was thinking about but not having an affair with a woman for year. I should be like " thank you for not cheating on me and honoring the basic terms of our marriage agreement"?

These spouses do not control the universe I and I can assure there are good people out there that keep their promises... we just happened to not marry them.

**Posted by Gloria** June 17, 2023 9:00 am

Jen8781 I am so very sorry. Please post here as much as you need to. We understand. I will hold a good thought for you.

**Posted by Blue Bear** June 17, 2023 11:36 am

I’m sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

They rarely come clean about their LGBT+ orientation. Let my ex-wife serve as another example. She had a secret same-sex affair for a year, stayed together with her girlfriend, got married to her after our divorce, and bought a house and moved in with her now wife. Yet she insists to our kids that she’s straight. Seriously.

A fellow straight spouse gave me a great piece of advice: when there is a disconnect between actions and words, credit the actions because they don’t lie.

So what I’m saying is that his actions speak louder than any words he could say. If someone denies they are an alcoholic but drinks 24 beers a day, credit the beer drinking rather than the verbal denial.

Last edited by Blue Bear (June 17, 2023 3:52 pm)

**Posted by Otter** June 18, 2023 8:06 am

Blue Bear is right- actions do speak louder than words. Mine has denied and lied about all sorts of things, but his actions are contrary to his words. It’s egregious. Keep a journal of what he says versus what he actually does and you will be astounded.

**Posted by Gloria** June 18, 2023 8:24 am

My gay ex boyfriend lied when confronted .