OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / In the process of separation

**Posted by Anon 765** June 2, 2023 7:35 am

It's been a long and bumpy road to get here. Very shortly after the official separation agreement, he's in love with a man. I'm seeing the narcissistic-ish behaviour, and gaslighting that have happened over the years so clearly now. And I also see my part in going back to him, expecting things that he's incapable of ever giving me.

I have all the feelings, including, on good days, hope for a better future. The mindfuck is real!

Still sharing a house, which is difficult emotionally - it's extra hard to distance myself from the dynamic of me pursuing something he can't give. That won't be forever - I'm hoping all the details will be sorted out by the end of summer. I'm doing my best to look after my needs, but some days it's really hard.

I have other friends who have separated, but I still think the closeted LGBTQ dimension adds a little something to the mix that someone who hasn't lived it can't understand, which is why I'm here.

What I need to hear most right now are stories of hope, encouragement and recovery! I'm so tired of blaming myself for everything that went wrong in our relationship, but so far, there's been no taking of responsibility from him. Just victimhood. I know I have to give up wanting him to accept his part, but I'm not quite there yet.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** June 2, 2023 3:24 pm

Distance is good. Once you're apart it's one part of the Mindfuck gone from your life....but remember it'll still be there, in your thoughts. So we still have work to do. On ourselves. Without the distraction of the person who's the capital M in Mindfuck.

I gave up expecting some form of remorse, apology or responsibility a few years ago. Even an acknowledgement of the part he played. I'd be happy with him making definite and genuine eye-contact and actually showing remorse for what has happened to the 'us' that we were
...but I know it'll never happen so I simply have to accept that and focus on what's in front of me

Elle

**Posted by Anon 765** June 2, 2023 4:11 pm

Agreed. I am definitely working on myself and all those intrusive, negative thoughts. Letting go of thinking that if I just tried harder, read another book, was nicer, asked better questions, helped him feel his emotions, and so on, that I could get what I wanted. (recovering co-dependent here, so that's mine to own)

What I wanted was something that he was NEVER going to be able to give me, no matter how hard I tried. Still a bitter pill to swallow, but I think it will get better with time, and as I rebuild my life.

**Posted by Rob** June 2, 2023 8:13 pm

Anon765,

My story of hope is Im doing really well now and look back and cannot believe I spent decades trying to make someone happy that really could never be happy ...with me and I surmise with anyone else also.

Definitely stop taking blame.. we gave strong fierce true love....they gave shallow? fleeting? conditional? love?

**Posted by Anon 765** June 3, 2023 10:11 am

Thanks for those encouraging words. Yes, there were certainly two different versions of love in our relationship.

I'm starting to see moments of beauty and connection with the world around me, which I have not seen in a very, very long time. I was a sad, grey, diminished version of myself for many years.

Anon

**Posted by Blackie563** June 4, 2023 12:21 pm

Anon765 - I went though the self blame phase as well. The good news? If you focus on healing yourself, for me that meant feeling every hurt emotion you can feel, but working on yourself, your mind, your body, your spirit, life does not simply get better, it becomes something more amazing than you can possible imagine. I am not a full year away from August 7th when I officially found out about my ex-wife affairs and all of the subsequent lies that followed. (and preceded).

Even though I am still legally married, because she refused to sign the papers so we have to go through court, I rarely think about her or my old relationship of 23 years with her. Why? Because it was fake. Not on my end, but on hers. I was in love with who I thought she was as a person (or could become) but was never capable of being. She hates herself and it shows. Sadly, my kids are paying a price for that, but I focus on what I can control the 50% of the time they are with me.

Once you begin to discover (or re-discover) yourself, its truly amazing. I reconnected with the "hot popular girl from HS" after 25 years apart. We never dated before, but are together now and I could not image a relationship being so fulfilling. My Gay ex? Still lies, still can't control her emotions, her new GF cant even do what I did, keep her somewhat rational. Its because no one can, it starts inside her not someone else. Focus on you, it won;t happen over night, but if you have the discipline to stay the course, change bad habits while building news ones and cut off your old relationship completely, you will heal and I promise you'll be ok.

All the best to you, I am sorry you are going through this, but if your story is like mine, you will come out the best possible version of yourself, one you didnt even know you could be.

**Posted by Anon 765** June 4, 2023 6:30 pm

I was in love with who I thought she was as a person (or could become) but was never capable of being.

Hi Blackie563,

Thanks for your encouragement! Things are definitely looking up the closer we get to the settlement, which means we'll no longer be living together. That's been a struggle for me.

What you said about being in love with someone I thought my ex could become hits home. That's exactly what I did. I made too many excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

I think it's Maya Angelou who said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Wise words.

I'm glad your life is so great now, and I look forward to that for myself!

Anon

**Posted by Rob** June 4, 2023 10:24 pm

I think it's Maya Angelou who said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." Wise words.

Yes...my GX showed me an evil hurtful person.