My comments in red. 
Welcome back Lost  

Lost @ 50 wrote:

Hi everyone.  I had posted a couple months back about my husband.  I found out that he had posted nude private photos of me on line on a group and at the same time he had another account saying he was trans and bi.   He removed the photos right away and deleted them from his computer (he says).  He said he's not trans or anything, just that he was lost and trying to find a group to belong to.  He's retired military so there are groups that he could join... but I let it go.  He had been buying tucking stuff and other fem things like heels, nail polish, skirt and blouse.  After he was confronted by me for everything he threw everything away - again saying that he's NOT that way.  I told him flat out that if he is, it's fine - I just couldn't be married to him.  I don't find that attractive.  I told him that he needed to be sure because I couldn't go all of this again.  Rip the band-aid so to speak.  Telling somebody or being told to "rip the band-aid off can often do the opposite. This Mindfuck can be so confusing and sometimes you have to take a deep breath, take stock of your life and figure out the best way to handle this. If I had "ripped the band-aid off" 6 years ago when my friend told me too I wouldn't be in the position I'm in now....leaving my 38 year r'ship with all my ducks in a row and quite settled in what direction I'm going.

We went on vacation for a week and had time to talk some.  He said he would get counseling to help with his porn addition (that has been an issue our whole 15+ years married).  

He's not in group counseling.  When I checked his email I found that it was for an LGBT+ Support Group.  He told me again today that it was just general counseling.  But I know it's not....Keep a record of everything. In your head, on paper, online. If nothing else it reminds you he's willing to be dishonest.

We have a big trip to Germany in Nov/Dec for 2 weeks.  

HOW do I talk to him about that?  I don't want to wait on his time table for him to tell me when he's ready.  I know that may be mean but this is MY life too.  We both just turned 50 this year and were looking forward to retirement and spending our lives together.

I finally told my sister this week about it.  I didn't have anyone to talk to. I had found something on his phone which makes it appear that he MIGHT have cheated on me a year ago with another woman.  I have NOT talked to him about it.  I messaged the woman and she said nothing happened and she hasn't been in our state....  Not believing her because of his messages to her. Good. It's great you have your sister to talk to. As far as finding out/snooping on your husband....there will come a point when you've found out enough that you know you don't need any more evidence.

I am going to work on getting counseling as well.  Just been swamped at my work.

I know this is all over the place... I just really need to know HOW to bring up his LGBT+ group support and that I know about it.  ...... please help. The very fact he's attending an lgbtq support group should tell you he's not going there for 'straight' support. The fact he's immersing himself into a non-straight group should tell you he's not straight. If you know this is not what you want in your life...maybe it's time to start disengaging with what's going on with him and start taking care of and focusing on what you want 

Elle
 

Lost @ 50 wrote:

Thank you.  But how do I tell him I know what group he's going to?   

First of all I would say you would have to be comfortable with the stance you're  taking, clear and calm in your words and delivery and follow it up, hopefully, with a conversation that benefits you both. His reaction... How do you think it'll be? Will he be angry, avoidant? Emotional?
You'll have to be prepared for what he says and firm with your own thoughts about what this means for you.
A time of the day you're both rested and quiet perhaps....lol for a long time I always brought tricky subjects up last thing at night, or as we settled for the night. Bad move!
 

Elle

Hi Lost,

Congratulations on going for counseling! That's a big step. I see a counselor too, and it's been hugely helpful in starting to reclaim a sense of myself in this difficult situation. I hope it's a healing experience for you.

Anon