OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Some positive thoughts

**Posted by ellierigg** April 22, 2023 6:06 am

Hey everyone. I (f,44)am new in "the club". Just little over a month ago my partner of 13 years, my perfect man, best friend and love of my life came out as bi and said he started an affair with a man two weeks prior. I have been lurking in this forum and your stories helped me. I might write the whole story on this forum one day, but today I'd just like to share some things I feel as positive thoughts and feelings.
1. As much as I love this man, and I love him so much that until recently I was sure that there was no love like ours (and I see now that most of you think of your relationships the same way), I KNOW that I can't share my life with someone who isn't with me 100%. Similar thought is- how can I want to be with someone if they don't wanna be with me. These feelings help me a little bit to detach.
2. Even though it's been only a month, I am already finding things out about my self that got lost in the relationship. It's not his fault that i forgot about myself, I think it's just a thing that happens to all of us when we start identifying as a part of the couple.
3. I don't know how I even realised this as I am extremely emotional person, but I understand how programmed my brain and my body are to identify as a part of the couple, and not as a whole person, with individual needs, opinions, feelings, thoughts. It's like I lost an organ, and have to learn to live without it. BUT! I just know that after I get through this i will be even more whole, will know myself much better, be stronger, and my relationships will be more honest and true (friendships, romantic, whatever).
4. I really honestly don't care if I will ever be in a relationship again. I want a great one with myself and with my life. I am not closed for the possibility, but that is the last thing I care about right now.
5. Spring is here!
6. I live my life as a weak, insecure person, but when sh%t happens, I am always crazy strong. This is the most important thing for me now, to et this strength out every day, as much as I can.
7. I know it will take a while with lots of ups and downs, but I know I can't live as a sad, depressed person for the rest of my life. Just don't want to. I am absolutely sure I will be fulfilled again.
8. Physical distance helps. I moved out 3 weeks after the "boom", though I stayed in the same building. Honestly, my financial situation is not great, but right now I don't worry and feel peace and trust that new doors will open up for me.

That's it for now, might update at later point. Hope you all love yourselves most. As much as we think that we can't survive without our SO, i see now that no relationship can be healthy if we think that our happiness and existence depends on the other person.
Love to all. Go have a great day!

Just adding few more things:
9. Don't forget that you are so much more than your emotions. Take time every day to exist in that "other dimension" here you are whole and happy, and where your SO doesn't exist.
10. It took me a month to get angry, because, you now "he can't help it, it's his nature". I do love this man and I am happy that he will be living his true self, I really do wish him the best. I also have no doubt that he loved me. Nontheless, it's ok to feel and say FU.

Last edited by ellierigg (April 22, 2023 6:35 am)

**Posted by Daryl** April 22, 2023 9:08 am

Please do update us later. We all move through this at our own pace. You have picked up a lot of wisdom in a short time.

**Posted by Blackie563** April 22, 2023 9:29 am

Amazing progress in a short period of time. Congrats and keep moving forward. Him telling you in 2 weeks is relatively short compared to most stories, so it is entirely possible this is a new discovery for him and he is being honest. Most of us experienced lies for months if not years, which continues to this day. I hope your split (if thats what you all decide) works amicably, that would be great! Putting positive thoughts out there for you!

**Posted by Toward the Light** April 22, 2023 10:39 am

Elliierigg, Wow, how strong and clear about your reality you are, as well as your boundaries. Please know we are here cheering you on, on the good days and the bad ones. Keep that indomitable faith in yourself and find strength in every breath you take.

**Posted by Rob** **Online!** April 24, 2023 10:31 am

Welcome..great progress on self care and getting away from the hurt.

As to your non-couple point. What I had to do was think back to before I was married..and it was really way back when I was in my teens and a different person. Still I surmised I survived for for years before I met my GX ..surely with new wisdom and not being coupled to a deceitful and hurtful spouse I could do it again.

There is great solace and comfort in being away from someone that is really harboring malevolent plans to hurt you and does so without feeling remorse or guilt. Its an evil morality I thank God I got away from.

**Posted by ellierigg** April 25, 2023 7:24 am

Thank you all SO MUCH! I really feel the support. Two days after my post I stooped very low and downloaded Grindr in hopes of spying on my X. First I told myself I was doing it because it would help me detach if I saw him in that context. I spend the whole day searching, not finding him there and then realising that I was only doing it because I missed him...
I still feel everything I wrote in my first post, but I'm having a hard time in the last two days. Also, life (universe, god, whatever you wanna call it) is kind to me: as I said- my finances not too great, but I got offered some extra work (really out of nowhere), so at least in that regard I can relax and not worry.

Oh and- Grindr is a very sad place. How on earth can people connect based on d%ck picks?

**Posted by Gloria** April 25, 2023 9:06 am

I also searched Grindr when I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay. He wasn't on there either. I did some other detective work suggested by a member who is no longer with us. I am holding a good thought for you.

**Posted by ellierigg** April 25, 2023 9:18 am

Thank you Gloria for saying that. I'm not promising to myself, but I hope I am done with snooping. It took so much of my energy away.

**Posted by lily** April 25, 2023 2:52 pm

Hi Ellie, you are doing very well, glad to hear about the extra income. It's inevitable to have ups and downs, I think you will find they continue for a while because there is so much stuff to process in this - how could it happen, why would he do it to you. And it's not just the infidelity, not just the lies, but also the internal consequences of sleeping with a gay man - the hidden yuck.

I am coming to realise that a good part of the reason I don't think about my ex much is that still comes up in my mind when I do. It's good to get it out.

I understand how you came to realise you were missing him but I think it's worth remembering your thoughts before you went on Grindr, I think maybe you are trying to ascertain how truthful he was in saying he only started the affair two weeks before.

Last edited by lily (April 25, 2023 2:59 pm)

**Posted by Webothlikedick** April 25, 2023 5:16 pm

So grateful for this site. I haven’t posted my story yet…it is ongoing but somewhat settled for now. Anyway, wanted to add my two cents for those who feel the need to snoop… look at Adam4Adam.com
It is prob a more likely used male gay hookup site bc it is free. I created a profile and easily found my husband’s. It didn’t hurt that dumbass had a prominent bruise in his profile pic that I remember him having on his torso. Beware, it is a disturbing site… so many dudes on the down low. Hang in there friends!!