Grace1958 wrote:

I guess the hardest thing is that his way of coping is intimacy and I just can't manage to give more than I agreed to, and I feel like scum because of it. But if I do more I hate myself....

Damned if you do and damned if you don't kind of thing yes?

I found if there was a middle ground of intimacy it always ended up with me giving, A. taking and me feeling like crap anyway so although it took ages to decide...once the decision to say "I no longer want you intimately" was made I did not look back.

So (if I can ask) what did you agree to? What are the boundaries you put in place?

Elle

Grace1958 wrote:

There was one change. There was an inheritance that would give me enough to manage carefully on for the rest of my life, if I went into low income housing. So it's in my personal account and I now have what I guess you'd call a safety net. It helps. It matters.
But I'd rather not be alone unless he goes full trans, in which case, that's my hard line.

 

That not wanting to be alone is a real hurdle. I don't know how longer this would have taken if my son hadn't offered me space in his home. 
That inheritance is gold Grace  
You may stay in the safety he provides you until you decide the time is right, and that's okay. Saying no to intimacy is just a small, first step but once you take it you'll never want to step back. I am so pleased with myself that it was me that broke free first and not A. because the element of surprise was to my benefit

E