OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Less than 2 weeks!

**Posted by Blackie563** April 5, 2023 7:40 am

So my narc ex wife, not two weeks removed from the same home, brings her girlfriend to my kids track meet the other day. This is after introducing them to her on moving day. It's like she could not wait a second longer to put this out there. Me, I have a girlfriend and will not be introducing the kids (or even telling them about her) until the divorce is finalized and we get further down the road.

My kids are a bit older and maybe fine, they haven't said anything to me. This just seems like continued poor judgement. The kids are watching us split after 19 years together (23 total) and less than 2 weeks of moving out, they have another woman living with them and coming to all of their events. Forgot the lesbian part, that isnt the point. This just seems like really impulsive and bad judgement (again) on the part of a 42 year old ! SMH!!! What is wrong with these people?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 5, 2023 3:01 pm

Blackie563 wrote:
.....My kids are a bit older and maybe fine, they haven't said anything to me.

Your children may not be quite sure what to say to you Blackie. I think, as their parent, that you will have to start any conversation with them. They may just surprise you in their relief that they can talk to you about it.

I've found with my 4....youngest 29, oldest 43....that it's always me that has to talk first about my separation from A....except maybe my youngest who I'll be living with. And I just have to accept that, because A. and I have been a stable couple for their whole lives so their lives are changing too

Elle

**Posted by Rob** April 6, 2023 10:52 am

Blackie,

Y3ah my GX used to show up at the games with her girlfriend..just two "friends" watching the game.

Best you can do is be the strongest dad for your kids. They will need you. We have no more control over these spouses than we do the tides. I've learned to just not have any contact and bear the times we have to be in contact..

**Posted by Blackie563** April 7, 2023 8:52 am

Thanks Elle. I will talk with them, appreciate the suggestion.

Rob - Thank you too. I realize I can't control her, never wanted to. I just wish she would exercise some judgement every now and again, you know? Even if she were with another man, showing up t our kids game less than 2 weeks after we move out? That's what our teens need to see and deal with? Unreal.

I will focus on being the best dad I can for my girls. Appreciate you listening and offering advise.

**Posted by lily** April 9, 2023 4:39 pm

Hi Blackie, I hesitate to write but my observation is that control over the straight dad is often manipulated through the children, and this continues after separation.

You know how lucky your children are to have you as their dad, and rather than telling her that, your best course might be to mention your girlfriend to her - in that it might make her sit back a bit. I have no idea if that's a good idea or not, just putting it in the mix.

**Posted by Blackie563** April 10, 2023 6:55 pm

Thanks Lily. I know she is using the kids to try and retain some control because I ignore her completely. I know that drives her crazy because she has NPD and they hate being ignored. She always tries to use the kids "this is whats best", despite her continued poor decisions and non-consideration for them.

I don't know if telling her about my girlfriend will help or hurt. I will consider it though. I just wish she would sign the papers and be done with this 19 year sham marriage.

**Posted by lily** April 10, 2023 11:28 pm

oh, ok, so she is already feeling the loss of control over you. Maybe not to mention the girlfriend then - my only thought was she might treat you better if she realised you weren't still there doing whatever she wants.

Horrible isn't it - my memory of getting divorced is that the stress was off scale intense in the last bit before he signed. and as soon as he did, it got a lot easier.

**Posted by HealingHeart** April 11, 2023 9:35 pm

Hi,
We share the same story and I'm so sad. After 25 years of marriage, my husband who is 65 is sure he wants to transition. I never had a hint this was coming. What is so hard is that it seems the only support out there is for him and all leads to getting him on the conveyor belt. After spending 1 hour with a therapist, he's been diagnosed with gender dysphoria. How can something of this gravity be "diagnosed" in a flash! How can being a woman be defined with fishnets and lipstick. I've read everything I can to understand, but I don't. And...sadly, there no help I can find as a spouse.
Part of me can't believe this is happening to "us." How could I possibly have missed this...there were no signs. The part of me that loves him so much wants to help him get out of depression and anxiety and support his transition....but does that mean I have to help him with makeup? He feels if he doesn't transition his only option is suicide...so day and night I'm overloaded with fear and worry about the part I play in this. He wants us to stay together and presumes we will, but I am not a lesbian and don't know. The more he transitions, the harder it becomes to see us staying together. So sad...so confused...so mad and can't see the future right now. I feel his pain, but am so confused and still loving him. I 'd love to talk sometime who has traveled this difficult path.
Warmly,
HH

**Posted by Rob** April 12, 2023 7:31 am

Healingheart,

Welcome. If there is a re-occurring theme here on the forum it is; whether they are gay, transitioning, or green alien....they hurt. They keep hurting and expect us to support them and not hurt them. I think each year, like the policies at the workplace, these spouses should have been required to read and study the marriage vows. In what paragraph or section does it say "thou will be able to voluntarily hurt thy partner with absolute and pure impunity...thou can lie, cheat, steal, change thy's identity and thy's partner is required by these vows to support thee..do what thy wants.."

Treat your husband kindly but do not set yourself on fire and join him in doing it.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 12, 2023 1:48 pm

HealingHeart wrote:
....... He wants us to stay together and presumes we will......

Yes...he will presume. He'll presume a lot because he has 25 years of you not knowing how he really feels about himself so now it's you who has to play catch-up to get your head, heart and emotions around this Mindfuck that the man you married has dropped in your lap.

You say you're a bit mad? Hold on to that, it'll come in handy. Anger about something that's been done to you is a good tool to help navigate your way through this. You don't have to use anger to be mean, you should learn how to use it to strengthen your resolve to not be the woman who lets her husband shape her life.

Learn to say no when he asks you something you hesitate to do. The more you let him know your boundaries the easier it becomes to see yourself as an individual

Love can often lead you down a path where you become lost and confused. The Forum will be here to help but you need to talk to people in your caring circle of friends and family because you shouldn't do this alone

Elle