OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / To Frozen Heart

**Posted by lily** March 19, 2023 7:16 pm

Of course you are feeling frozen, time to start the thawing out process - talk to your mother, or the family member you are closest to, or a friend you can trust, anyone you can trust. Make an appt to see your doctor. Take a holiday on a sunny beach, walk in the forest, swim in the river, go get a massage.

Anything but stay silent in his closet-sized chest freezer.

Hugs.

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** March 20, 2023 1:09 pm

Sending you a big Hug, FrozenHeart! The Interplay of infidelity, sexuality, and Religion is very complicated. The homosexual struggle takes years to manifest when one spouse believes there is a conflict with their religious faith or community. My GID husband (he's admitted that he's bisexual) has taken me through the wringer. While I love him, I have to love myself more! I had to accept that I needed to get out of harm's way! He'll need to figure out his sexuality without hurting me in the process (collateral damage). The emotional roller coaster is too much! I meet with my lawyer on Wednesday to review the final draft of our Marital Settlement Agreement!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 20, 2023 4:53 pm

The secret your bisexual husband wants to keep hidden is the thing that keeps you frozen. The emotion, the trust you might feel, the not wanting to expose his secret while at the same time feeling confused & apprehensive will keep you frozen.
When your mindset moves from helping him 'find and be comfortable with himself' (he should be doing that not you) and you start to really focus on what you want your future to look like...even if in the end you stay together you should be in a strong position to be part of a team, not just the one he relies on for affirmation.
And if you do decide to separate you'll be in that strong position to move forward too.
Warm hugs

Elle

**Posted by FrozenHeart** March 21, 2023 6:25 pm

Thank you, everyone. Your advice has been extremely helpful. This situation has nearly killed me.

I have started making plans to move on, and we have made some decisions together that have helped so far. I have started referring to him as "my gay roommate" and he actually doesn't mind being called gay in our home behind closed doors. He has the upstairs and I have the downstairs so although we live under one roof, we have our own separate "apartments" for now. I have reached out to 3 close friends in the last couple days and none of them were surprised to hear the news. I thought I would be a laughingstock, but it turns out all of them are furious with my GID for what he has put me through and have given me 1,000% support. Of course, my GID was horrified that I told my close friends, but oh well.

He keeps asking me to cuddle with him and be sweet because its so difficult for him, but I told him I have to have boundaries now. Cuddling and comforting him would just be too painful for me, and he just doesn't understand why. He thinks we can just go on as usual like nothing had changed, but he can't have me and his gay boyfriends, too. And I really don't care if he thinks I'm mean. After 10 years of gaslighting, I'm immune to his teary, manipulative BS. Sorry, not sorry. (hairflip)

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** March 21, 2023 7:11 pm

Heart,
Just want to say that telling your new "gay roommate" that cuddling is out of the question and it's not your job to comfort him anymore is the right and self-protective move. I wish I had been as solid as you--when my now-ex asked me to "lie down and comfort me" because "transitioning is going to be so hard" I responded to his "poor me" and did it. Even though I had already told him I wanted a divorce, I ended up staying three years--years I'll never get back and didn't have to give him (I was in my early 60s).

Stay strong and carry on!

**Posted by Abby** March 21, 2023 7:12 pm

I am glad that you are not getting cold feet but setting the boundaries necessary to move forward with your life. If your church put pressure on him to marry a woman then I suspect that there other women in it who are in dark closets and and don't know what's going on.

Thank you for sharing your story. By telling it you help yourself and others in similar circumstances.

I wish you well.

**Posted by lily** March 22, 2023 1:23 pm

oh well done, FH. So glad to hear you have your own space and such strong support from your friends. It is a tough road you have ahead. Now that he can't manipulate you any more it will change things for him. He is used to you doing what he wants. I am hoping you have family you can talk to?

**Posted by FrozenHeart** March 22, 2023 6:09 pm

@Lilly... no, I don't have family and I have been isolated from my old friends ever since we were married. He wanted us only to socialize with his friends and his church and I slowly lost touch with everyone I knew before we were married. That's why I was so happy to find this site.

**Posted by lily** March 22, 2023 6:47 pm

oh goodness, well you are doing very well and showing a lot of strength. Talk as much as you like here. You want to get some idea of where you stand in the world at large - ie what your rights are under the law, and think through what your next steps might be.

It is. common thread, to feel isolated. My ex took me across the world, from England to Australia, far away from friends and family, it was before the days of internet so really isolating. By the time I left though, I realised it was more than that. The person I was missing the most was me - he had bent the truth around so much I didn't know my own self. It was such a relief to get away.

**Posted by Rob** March 24, 2023 12:21 am

Frozen,

Nothing an electric blanket cant solve to keep you warm..

"..slowly lost touch with everyone I knew before.."

One of the first things I did was reach out to friends and family I was estranged from. I basically told them I was sorry (for not keeping touch)...and they all took me back so to speak. So glad to this day I surrounded myself with good people.