Posted by Gin Bombay  March 6, 2023 12:01 pm | #1 |
My husband and I have been together for nearly 30 years, married for 27. On Friday he told me that he was an alcoholic and bisexual. He went to his first AA meeting that night. I told him I understand and we'll get through this together. We haven't talked about his bisexuality since then. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. I thought I would be ok...I had a hunch about his drinking, but the two together is just too much. Of course I'm supportive when I'm around him. I just don't know what else he isn't telling me. I don't have close friends in the area, so I can't vent, and some friends that have moved away wouldn't understand or be supportive. I have a family member who is an alcoholic, and he said the first week is the hardest. I need to talk to my husband...I told him on Friday I have lots of questions but I would wait. I don't know if I can wait much longer...
Thanks for letting me vent...
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Posted by Blackie563 March 6, 2023 12:23 pm | #2 |
First, I am sorry to hear this Gin and that you have to go through this. I do not have a lot of experience with alcoholism. I dont even drink, I am allergic! About the sexuality part, that is very challenging. You are in the right place, lots of supportive men and women here who have been through and/are going through the same or similar. Everyones situation is unique to them, but there are many similarities. Feel free to get it all out, you need a safe place to vent. Any chance of finding a therapist? I know I went to one immediately once my wife of 19 years (23 together) told me she was a lesbian and "needed until the end of October to see if she still loved me". I did not realize it at the time, but that was a cycle of abuse. Its ok to support and want to be supportive, but you need to look after yourself. These people, especially later in life will take FULL advantage of you.
Hang in there, its a long journey, but one that can be made, I am proof of that.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz March 6, 2023 1:05 pm | #3 |
Gin Bombay wrote:
My husband and I have been together for nearly 30 years, married for 27. On Friday he told me that he was an alcoholic and bisexual. ......
Welcome to our Forum Gin. Looking at the bare bones of this.....you have a husband who hasn't been honest with you and now tells you why. He may be...no probably will be looking to you for support. To be the person he can hide behind while he sorts out who he actually is. And that's in no way fair on you and will tend to put all the focus on the way he wants you to take on the role of support person, leaving you no time, at all, to think about how you feel and what you want. And don't want.
You're between a rock and a hard place. Bound by the r'ship you're in but uncertain of what that r'ship may become. But the Forum is here for you to help you untangle that. And underneath you'll find you're actually stronger than you thought
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily March 6, 2023 1:59 pm | #4 |
Hi Gin,
It seems to me that the double revelation is a bit of a blindside. Maybe the alcoholism has reached a stage where he needs help and that is what has brought him out of the closet but the bisexuality is the elephant in the room isn't it? I don't want to be gloomy but I think you might need to brace yourself to face the possibility he has been stepping out with men as well as drinking on the quiet.
Whatever he has been doing it is clear he has a secret life from you and that is an abuse of your being his wife. When you listen to what he is saying to you, is he caring about looking after you or is he just focused on himself and asking for your support?
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Posted by Abby March 6, 2023 4:54 pm | #5 |
If he is in AA he will have a sponsor to help support his sobriety. The policy was that men got male sponsors and women got women to avoid emotional attachments but I'm not sure how that works with people with same-sex attractions. Hopefully he will have one with many years of sobriety and who has been a sponsor before. That is the person he should turn to for support and not you.
As they say in Al Anon, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. You probably have been impacted by his drinking in ways that you may not see at this time. I think getting a counselor for yourself will be important to find yourself and work through what you want for yourself. Enabling is pretty common partner/spouse response to the situation.
While he does what he needs to do please take care of yourself. Recovery is a process for him and for the family.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by Gin Bombay March 6, 2023 7:37 pm | #6 |
Thank you for all of your feedback...it means so much to me. By the way, my pseudonym is from one of my favorite books, the main character in 'Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy, a humorous mystery by an author that I know personally. It doesn't have anything to do with alcohol...the Bombays are a family of female assassins who kill evil people.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset March 6, 2023 9:32 pm | #7 |
I have a different take on the "double reveal," because I got a similar kind of double hit. The day my now-ex told me he'd decided he was "a woman in a man's body" he prefaced this by saying "42 years ago I was sexually violated." Strangely, after saying this, he dropped it entirely, and never brought it up again; I spent a lot of time perplexed about this, and I decided that the announcement was an attempt to push me off center and at the same time to get me in the mindset to want to help him. It also had the effect of putting the two things out there in concert with one another, almost as if he wanted to say that the sexual violation caused his desire to be a woman. (Sean has remarked, on his thread, on how many men telling their wives about their same sex attraction attribute it to being molested.)
Is this what your spouse is doing? Getting you to focus sympathetically on his alcoholism in order to distract you from or condition your response to the second announcement that he's bisexual? Or trying to suggest that his alcoholism is the result of his suppressing his sexuality? Could your spouse be using his "going to an AA meeting" as a cover for seeing a man, because if so, he's come up with the perfect cover, because you are unlikely to object to even daily AA meetings!
That he hasn't said anything else about his "bisexuality" seems quite tonedeaf, doesn't it. Surely he must understand that you would need for him to talk about it.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 6, 2023 9:36 pm)
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Posted by Blackie563 March 7, 2023 6:47 am | #8 |
I have a different take on the "double reveal," because I got a similar kind of double hit. The day my now-ex told me he'd decided he was "a woman in a man's body" he prefaced this by saying "42 years ago I was sexually violated." Strangely, after saying this, he dropped it entirely, and never brought it up again;
Say what??! MY ex wife said nearly the same thing...sh had already begun her affair, which I did not know at the time. She said "I am not sure, but I think I may have been sexually abused as a kid"...went on to say she wasnt sure if the memory was real, but was clear she didnt want to deal with it. Then a month or so later, she revealed her affair (but continued to lie with increasing pace over time). This is very interesting. I must have missed this on other threads...thanks OutofHisCloset.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset March 7, 2023 8:29 am | #9 |
Blackie,
There have been a number of women posters who have described a similar pattern of their closeted or in denial husbands attributing their sexual attraction to men to being molested as children. Sean, on his thread, thinks this is a pretense.
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Posted by Gin Bombay March 7, 2023 6:39 pm | #10 |
He is definitely going to AA meetings. Our family member who is an alcoholic drove up and took him to his first one, and gave him his own 24 hour sober chip, which now he carries with his own. He showed me his book, and the pamphlet with handwritten first names and phone numbers that he can call... and he's called the organizer of the first meeting when he got back from his second meeting Sunday night.
We talked a little bit last night after his meeting and before he had to call his brother (they're very close.) Our church was seeking a new pastor (our old one was elected bishop.) My husband, along with his day job, holds a part-time position with the church. Our interim pastor was a transgender man...they had interned with us before for 2 years. My husband told our interim in October when our interim pastor gave their coming out sermon on the Sunday close to National Coming Out Day that he thought he was bisexual. He also told our daughter, who is away at college. She is straight but lives with a lesbian roommate (she's a great friend and the two of them have know each other forever.) My husband tried to go to our LGBTQIA center for advice before telling me, but the session was canceled so he couldn't get help.
I've researched the center...apparently the need is so great that they're not taking applicants for individual counseling. The group sessions are just for LGBTQ people and not for family and friends. They are open to suggestions for other groups, so I'm going to email them and see if they can start a group for family and friends. It's a great center - I'm so glad they started it.
When I told my husband that I had joined the online support group he was really pleased. I think communication between the two of us is already getting better.
I looked into AlAnon groups...most meet when I am working or are only on Zoom, but there are a couple that I can go to.
He called his best friend this morning before work...I know he told him about his alcoholism but I don't know what else they talked about - I wanted to give them their privacy (the best friend is happily married as well.)
Last edited by Gin Bombay (March 8, 2023 12:31 pm)
