HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I hope I didn’t overstep with what I said. .

 
There was no overstepping. This process we're both going through is filled with everybody in our circles either not knowing what to say to us or not knowing who to approach to talk about it with. And even forum members are wary lol

I saw no overstepping

Elle

Elle,

Okay good! I'm don't think I'm exactly wary... you know what it is? I've had SO many conversations with my LW go horribly wrong. I've said things that have been twisted to mean something else and had 100 good things ignored to focus on the one thing I could have said differently, regardless of my stated intentions. Wow, I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I was stressed out that I'd offended you because of her. 

Firefly,

Thank you. My kids are supportive, but obviously I can't depend on them for that. As long as they know they have a home with me and that I love them and always will, that's what matters.

Now that people I know are finally hearing about it I've been getting more support. My MIL, both BILs and SIL have contacted me and supported me. I told one of my BILs that I'd gone on dating apps just to see what it would be like to have a straight woman express interest in me and that my LW lost her shit at me, accused me of cheating on her, etc. He lost it. Said there was nothing wrong with what I did and that she has no right to even have an opinion about what I do or don't do. It's a very grounding experience to hear someone you know tell you how badly they think you're getting screwed over. Of course, my mom and sister have also been very supportive. And I just remembered I have my in-person support group today! That's exciting.

Gwendolyn,

If you just listen to your spouse you'll start to think that your reactions and how you feel about the situation doesn't make sense. I've now had 5-6 people tell me that however I react, it's normal. That they have no idea how I've been a functional human being while going through this alone, without being allowed to talk about it. They can't imagine what I'm going through and it sounds like the hardest thing a person could deal with. That I must be more patient than they thought and they already thought I was the most patient person they knew.

My LW has blamed me for a lot. She's said and believed that I'm the problem in our marriage. That I'm an angry person and she's just tried her best. The thing is, people who actually know me know that's not true. Now that I'm not under constant stress I'm seeing how much I've been gaslighted and blamed. I'm seeing how intensely unhealthy the marriage was and how my boundaries, opinions, values, thoughts and contributions were completely devalued and the effects that's had on me for 20 years. I have told a few people about different aspects of what I've dealt with and they've told me I've been in an abusive relationship.

All I know is that I can actually breathe now.