OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / A form of abuse?

**Posted by Anon2222** February 25, 2023 8:27 am

I am curious as to how many of you would consider what you went through domestic/a form of abuse (removing any physical violence)?

From the emotional/psychological side - do you consider the lying about sexual orientation abuse? The "coming out" behaviours? During the divorce process?

I'm also curious as to anyone out there who had any "success" in their divorce? Thus far, I'm finding that I am legally screwed....

Last edited by Anon2222 (February 25, 2023 7:48 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 25, 2023 12:17 pm

My first marriage (7 yrs) was marked by domestic violence so no I wouldn't say that lying about his sexuality meant my current partner was guilty of DV.
Emotional meanness maybe but DV is so specifically physical I'd hate to claim it for my situation from those who live it every day in some cases

And before anybody thinks it or says it... I've already thought it and said it about myself. What a chump....

E

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 25, 2023 12:18 pm)

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 25, 2023 12:20 pm

Domestic abuse (but not physical violence), yes, I would say. If you haven't looked up Omar Minwalla's "Secret Sexual Basement" you should.

**Posted by Anon2222** February 25, 2023 7:46 pm

Apparently, I was tired this morning when I wrote that. I meant to say domestic abuse (not violence). Violence would be physical and a whole different ballgame for sure!

I found this summary of psychological abuse:
[list=none]
[*]Humiliation: insulting, criticizing, name-calling, embarrassing the other person in public, belittling their accomplishments, posting unflattering photos or videos of them on social media
[*]Control: acting jealous and possessive, monitoring the other person’s behavior, reading their texts and emails, demanding all their time and attention, pressuring them to use drugs or alcohol, using social media to track their activities, trying to control who they follow on social media
[*]Blaming and gaslighting: accusing the other person of cheating, denying abusive behavior or blaming it on the victim, claiming their problems are the other person’s fault
[*]Neglect and isolation: refusing to communicate, turning other people against the victim, withholding affection, preventing the other person from seeing friends or family
[/list]
From what I have read, a key to recovering from an abusive relationship is acknowledging that you were abused. I can't decide how I feel about this....is what I went through abuse? It just seems so serious and awful. And I feel an intense guilt and shame for thinking of him as an abuser. I also worry about being accused of slander for saying this....or that I'm playing a victim or something....

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 25, 2023 9:05 pm

Anon,

Only you know what went on in your marriage. We don't. But if you see in this summary the outlines of your marriage, and the behavior he exhibited, then what you experienced was abuse. An abusive relationship is not characterized only by physical violence.

Do remember that one psychological effect of abuse is to make you doubt yourself, and to accommodate you to the abuse so that it seems normal. You do not have to announce to all and sundry and you were abused; you can simply recognize it as the truth, in yourself, and then proceed from there. That you fear the result of naming what happened to you is not out of keeping with the psychological profile of having been subject to abuse.

**Posted by Anon2222** February 25, 2023 9:44 pm

OutofHisCloset wrote:
Domestic abuse (but not physical violence), yes, I would say. If you haven't looked up Omar Minwalla's "Secret Sexual Basement" you should.

I looked this up and all I have to say is....wow.

If anyone can benefit from this...I put this link

https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/617ae91f60ee604e4aad3dae/61a539b9d10d4eaac2032f2b_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf

It was eye opening. So much of it was....me. And my experiences, mental state, everything. I have a lot to absorb....

**Posted by Blackie563** February 25, 2023 11:49 pm

it is 100% abuse if they knowingly lied and hid the truth from you. Even if they did not know, but treated you poorly during their coming out by having an affair (the worst betrayal one can experience) and then lies about it afterwards, that is absolutely abuse. It is awful

**Posted by lily** February 26, 2023 2:06 am

I was 19 when I got together with my ex. At 57 I realise he is gay in denial. My first thought re my marriage is this is a get out of jail free card. My second thought is maybe we can be better friends again now I know his secret.

I have no idea I have been in an abusive relationship.

It took my lawyer to point it out to me. You do realise he is being emotionally abusive she said. Adding he is being financially abusive too.

Oh.

It's not something to take lightly, the line between emotional and physical can get crossed even if only in a passive way. Somewhere in that 18 months it took to get a divorce, the time came when I am asking him to drive me into the hospital emergency room and he ignored me. And you know what, I didn't complain or tell any one. Or even really think about it til later.

Now I am used to looking after myself I wouldn't take that kind of treatment from anyone and stick around.

**Posted by Rob** February 26, 2023 8:53 am

Yes Anon, I was in my lawyers office one visit and there was a pamphlet on domestic abuse..I could check off a majority of the items.

Things like financial control, verbal..etc.

I guess my divorce was made easier in that regard...as any love i had was replaced by pure physical fear.

**Posted by True** February 26, 2023 10:27 am

@Annon2222
Thank you for your link: I viewed it & was blown away! Finally the impact we Straight Spouses Endure & Struggling with explains & titled the effliction of various degrees & stages of abuse from our ( In The Coset Gay Spouses)

One of the most powerful profound informative Book I’ve read to date: A must read for us Straight Spouses.

Much appreciated 🙏🏼
True.

Last edited by True (February 26, 2023 10:36 am)