Anon,
What I discovered from going through the legal process of divorce is that my now-ex was not in the driver's seat, contrary to what he believed was the case and should be the case, and what would have been the case had I allowed him to dictate the terms or acquiesced to his terms.
The law, not your stbx, stipulates how assets will be divided. Yes, there's some variation (e.g., living in a fault state where cheating will count against the offender in a settlement), but the law is the law, and your stbx will have to abide by it and the judge's ruling, whether he likes it or not. I found it enormously satisfying to watch my now-ex be pulled up short from his delusional ideas of what he was due and his assumption that what he wanted should determine the outcome.
Judges see to it that the law is applied; your lawyer protects you during the legal process. The lawyer has your back, and can serve as your backbone when your own spine, understandably, is bowed by the pressure and the blows, and you can't stand up for yourself. To me, that is a very good reason to see a lawyer--for the support they can give.
Going through the divorce process, I realized the extent to which I was afraid, just as you are afraid, of my now-ex. I didn't know what he was capable of, because having been hit up-side the head by his trans bomb drop I had been made aware that I no longer knew--and hadn't known for a long time!--what he was capable of. (I realized, too, what he WAS capable of, and that was something I never in my wildest imagination would have thought possible--and included cruelty and apathy toward me and my suffering.) I also realized how much that fear, which included a fear for my future life, was driving my impulse to defer to him. I remember asking my therapist why I was having so much trouble standing up for myself in the negotiations over assets, and she said to me, "You've been trained by society, by your family, and your spouse, to defer." As a woman with a professional career, someone who believed myself to be independent and outspoken (and whom other people saw that way, too), that word "defer" applied to myself was like a slap in the face. But it was a salutary one--it was true. And once I'd heard it, I was, with my lawyer's help, able to better stand up for myself. To "speak [my] mind, even if [my] voice shakes" as Maggie Kuhn, founder of the Grey Panthers, the organization that fights for the rights of the elderly, said.
Finally, don't assume that your stbx isn't acting on his own behalf, legally and otherwise, while you are paralyzed into inaction because you are afraid to anger him. He is not going to protect you. And as time goes on, he's going to feel even less charitable to you and resent you for consuming what he will think of as "his" assets. Hoping he will keep your interests in mind and be fair is a false hope; he has already shown you who he is and what he is capable of. Accept that the only protection you're going to have is that you secure for yourself--and go visit a lawyer.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 23, 2023 8:22 am)
HereInMpls2717 wrote: