Hi, I married a guy during the Pandemic, been married two years and it's been HELL for me.

At first, he told me "I'm not good with intimacy" when we first started dated.  The first time he saw me fully naked he said out loud that he thought he might be gay, so I tried to help him find the answer while we were living together, b4 marriage. He experimented with a guy and then came back to me and promised that he hated it and that he wasn't gay.

The sex was always bizarre and strange though, he acted like someone who had been sexually traumatised as a baby or as a child, like always going into fetal position when naked. I felt sorry for him and tried to help him with compassion. I found him a urologist, a psychologist and other specialists who determined he had no Testo and had an undescended testicle, so I thought, that's it, that can be fixed and I had hope. So, I got him help for it.

But...he's always been a dry kisser, never looks at me when I'm naked, strange/awkward in bed, and made excuses about his ED. At first it was, he blamed it on smoking and bad circulation or alcohol, then it was that he just liked prostate stimulation and to "experiment", then it was that he was very empathetic and if I was stressed he wouldn't be able to perform, then it was that he liked to be submissive, etc. etc. etc. At one point during sex he blurted out "this is so not like me". The sex got better when he was on Testo. But then...he just stopped everything, stopped treatment, stopped medication, full stop and things have been horrible for me.

3 months ago I found his secret sexual paraphilia toys. He's into genital mutilation of the penis and balls and he had 3 huge black dildos and a bunch anus expanding toys and ball and torture devices When I confronted him about them, he lied and said they were old. They weren't, he bought them recently. He thinks that this is "experimentation"...but...obviously this stuff desensitizes him and makes him unable to get an erection with a women (me). I kicked him out.

He's been back living with me a month now and I caught him locked in the bathroom playing with his penis pump alone. I found out that he had just bought some new plastic colored ring accessories for it, and found the packaging in the trash. So, he's at it again. I don't know if he was trying to use it to be with me later (we didn't have sex) or if he's just going back to his favorite little solo hobby in secret. I want to feel sorry for him...but...IDK anymore. I'm not getting anything out of this relationship and the secrecy is so stupid.

In any case...I'm very confused. He won't admit he is gay, I feel like he won't tell me the truth, he's contacted Dominatrix's on instagram and Facebook...he tells me that he just likes Feminin Domination and to be submissive. But, it's such a turn off for me. I hate it and I hate when he acts like a submissive all the time. He says he wants more of that and for me to be DOM...but...NO THANKS! THAT'S A JOB.

I really thought the medical treatment to balance his testo and antidepressents would help him flourish and mature as a man, but....instead...I discovered that I will never know who or what the hell he is. The last thing he said about it was. "I don't know what I am". How can a 40 year old not know? WTF?

I just want to get out of this marriage, I need support to stay strong and separate from him. I feel like I'm loosing my sanity right now.