Posted by Onahealingpath  February 11, 2023 8:15 am | #1 |
After 37 years of a mostly happy marriage, my husband embarked on a search for his identity, and concluded that he is gay. He had an affair, which I discovered early on in their relationship (within a month or so of their emotional attachment turning physical). And so I’m processing all of that: the hurt, the betrayal, the gaslighting, the lies, the deception. But at the end of the day, we share common values, a beautiful family, and a wonderful circle of friends.
We’ve talked at length about our relationship, about his betrayal, about what it all means. But the minute his narrative changed from “I don’t know if I’m gay or I’m bi” to “I am gay” was the minute that I knew I couldn’t stay married. We are committed to ending our marriage with integrity and with the help of a therapist.
i watched Emily Reece’s TedX talk (and listened to the podcast on Our Voices featuring her and her ex husband), and I was struck by the fact they remained a family and maintained a good relationship following their divorce.
I’d love to hear about other relationships that have continued in a *mostly* positive way post divorce.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset February 11, 2023 9:40 am | #2 |
Onahealingpath,
I read your story in Our Stories, and wanted to say both that I'm sorry and that you have acted with admirable strength.
I also divorced in late life (35 years married, early 60s when we divorced), but I don't have an amicable relationship with my ex (trans-identified), so I have nothing to add there. I did, however, want to say that I would imagine that one requirement for creating one will be your stbx's financial transparency and fairness in the divorce. I say this because he's already in financial matters abused your trust once. Especially at our age, it's important to ensure financial equity in the divorce process.
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Posted by Onahealingpath February 11, 2023 10:01 am | #3 |
Thanks, OutofHisCloset, for your reply and for your cautionary word about finances. In our marriage, I've been the "point person" on our investment and bank accounts, so I have a good handle on the nature and amount in our accounts, which I realize puts me in a beneficial situation moving forward. I've already told him that an "equitable" division of our finances does not mean a 50/50 split as I am statistically projected to have a longer remaining life than he will (as a woman and because I'm five years younger than him). I'm cautiously optimistic that we can work out the finances while being realistic that might not be the case. Appreciate your message.
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Posted by Abby February 11, 2023 11:47 am | #4 |
I want to second what OutofHisCloset wrote about protecting yourself financially. My husband made the "I'm gay and I want a divorce" announcement after 30+ years of marriage and how amicable your future relationship will be depends in large part on how happy you are with your new life. Finances are fundamental, as are setting boundaries to maintain your comfort level.
We separated in 2011 and divorced in 2014 when the economy was right to sell the house. We have grown children and we put them first. We do things that involve them together and since we share common interests, do things together when I am in the area. This is because I am happy with my life and don't miss the old one. I do tell him when he is oversharing about his and I share very little of mine.
It takes time. He had to get past the acting like a teenager stage that Sean describes and I had to meet a straight widower. Thanks to the divorce settlement I was able to buy a house with a yard for my plants in a new community and make new friends. Early on I had found a pamphlet at church written for widows and it helped me move forward. It was like a death with no casseroles, no funeral and no insurance.
It needed to be marked with something more than a legal document so I tried to find a bakery to make a divorce cake.That was unsuccessful so I created my own: lemon with a souvenir Statue of Liberty on top.
Also you need a dry sense of humor.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by Victo February 11, 2023 11:51 am | #5 |
The only thing positive about my relationship with my ex is that I’m positive I want zero relationship with her.
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Posted by Onahealingpath February 11, 2023 12:15 pm | #6 |
Thanks, Abby, for all the tips - I will incorporate them. We are also committed to putting our grown boys and their families first. (I feel horrible for our younger son who we will tell when we see him in a couple of weeks - he lives on the other side of the country: he's getting married in August. I hate putting this shadow on what should be the happiest time of his life, but it's where we are.) Currently, I plan to stay in our house -my husband will move out. In what I now see as a major blessing, we moved last year into a perfect "age in place" house - our old house was not - and my husband has always referred to it as "my" house since I was the driving force behind the decision to move. No mowing, no snow removal - the HOA takes care of all that. Oh and BTW...so happy you have found a straight widower. Gives me a bit of hope on that score - that I might, possibly, find another life partner. Seems very remote at the moment.
Victo- I hear you. Seems from what I've been reading, your (non) relationship with your ex is the norm.
Last edited by Onahealingpath (February 11, 2023 12:17 pm)
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Posted by Onahealingpath February 11, 2023 1:41 pm | #7 |
MJM017-
Thanks for the cautionary words. It certainly is a confusing time-trying to work through the pain, to maintain a relationship with my husband (who is, at this point, very sorry for all he has done, even if not sorry to have claimed his identity), and to plan for a separate future. We are actually out of town together right now, but when we get home, job one is to speak with a lawyer. (I’m a retired law professor -haven’t ever worked in family law- but I have contacts in the legal community.)
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Posted by lily February 11, 2023 3:59 pm | #8 |
okay that's good - looks like you are well resourced to navigate the financial settlement. My advice is don't give in to the impulse to be generous, make sure you get all of your fair share.
I have to say it looks to me like you are still being played - if he is so sorry why wait 3+ decades to confess?
Just exactly what is he sorry about? it might help to clarify that.
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Posted by HereInMpls2717 February 11, 2023 5:19 pm | #9 |
I’m trying to. That has been my hope the entire time. My lesbian wife came out to me as not straight almost 2 years ago. I know it’s taken her a lot of time to figure herself out and her understanding of herself evolves but there have been a number of things she’s said that are contradictory. Besides that, she acts as if anything that has to do with her sexuality is hers alone. She verbally expresses empathy sometimes but rarely, RARELY, treats me with compassion.
We’re now separating. I’m losing everything I care about, including her. I thought we were best friends but it seems I was easy to replace with new friends (gay men, before people say anything). The only thing that will affect whether we remain friends is how she treats me. It isn’t looking good and that is what I’m struggling with so badly. I could have been sad but okay about losing her as a partner because of her sexuality. Completely losing her is ripping my heart out.
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Posted by Blackie563 February 11, 2023 10:55 pm | #10 |
I think its posible, but the common theme here is, the partner that comes out, usually does so in a mean, selfish, only care about themself way that makes staying in each others lives difficult. For example, when I thought my ex was just gay, I was super supportive albeit devasted. Over time, the lying got so bad, the gaslighting, she was a 42 year old PHD crawling other women into our home through egress windows while the kids and I were home. Taping up cameras to hide her behavior. Acting like a child. Said she wasnt going to take my retirement....she did just that. I've learned she isnt who I thought she was, and I dont mean gay. I mean, she is not a kind or good person, therefore we are co-parents and nothing more.
If you have respect and adult behavior on both sides, no reason it cant work in my opinion. I would have preferred that
