Telling others about what you're going through and feeling when you're suffering like this is not complaining. You deserve to be supported. You never have to apologize for expressing yourself here. The confusion, anger, panic, sadness, betrayal, grief, resentment and frustration are all familiar here. 

"I can't believe you'd let something as trivial as my genitals stop you from loving me."

I could have said that to my lesbian wife because I haven't changed- I'm what she knew she was getting from the start. Your husband knew what he was getting with you too. Would he feel the same if you transitioned? Or made some other change to yourself that completely altered who you appeared to be or how you acted? And even if he would (which I think is doubtful but likely unknowable), that doesn't invalidate how you feel or respond to him in this. I think what our spouses/ex-spouses aren't understanding is that we picked them, loved them, accepted them, desired them for who they showed themselves to be. We trusted that we were both going into the relationship honestly and vulnerably as our true selves. Sure people get older, maybe gain weight, pick up some bad or annoying habits, even change some significant beliefs, etc. Maybe there are health issues that completely alter how your relationship works. That's not the same kind of change as altering your gender or sexuality. If the change isn't that big a deal, why are they doing it? If they're the same person as before, why are the changes happening? With the change, they're completely altering our relationship and lives because now we're tied to them and this incredibly confusing complication, deception and loss. It's frustrating because they appeal to our empathy while giving us little to none.

I'm sorry you belong here, it's not a club membership anyone wants, but at least you'll be supported, understood and cared for here.

Cookie,

   Your story is unfortunately familiar to me and also a common experience for those of us unlucky enough to have partnered with men who identify as transgender, including the deception, acting unilaterally, lying by omission, boundary breaking, lack of empathy, and attacking our understandable distress at discovering or hearing that our male spouses now wish to disavow their maleness.  It's also unfortunately the case that the trans-identifying spouse is seen as "brave and stunning" while we are considered collateral damage, or, worse, condemned for not enthusiastically getting on board the trans train.  It is truly a double-standard we are subject to: we are expected to act as if our partner's maleness and presentation does not matter, yet the trans-identifying partner is allowed to claim that gender presentation and the body matters so much it must be altered.  If it's not supposed to matter to us, then why can that same things matter so much to them that they need to change it.  

   You can find sympathetic support online at the Transwidowsvoices.org website, where women whose partners/husbands have killed off their male selves share their stories ("trans widows," because our husbands are effectively dead), as well as on Mumsnet, on this thread:
 https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 11, 2023 7:42 am)

cookie,

I think we all feel like widows/widowers here.    My gay ex wife (GX) still looks the same but the person she was (to me) or fake persona or whatever you want to call it is gone.   Yet people see the same physical appearance...which if this make sense,,, I think she likes...she likes that people don;t see what she took away from me.  

I can think of nothing more concrete and absolutely hjurtful then your husband transitioning...like the person you made your vows to is not there...  Its on such a different level than gaining weight etc.    What is more disturbing here, as you've seen, and said it his total disregard for you...going on hormones without your knowing..the lies etc.     This, I think, we all have in common....there is their sexuality etc and then there is their total disregard and, really,  discard of us.  Like we were not enough. 

No he is not looking out for you...thus breaking his marriage vows... this is not gaining weight.    

You need to look out for you... because if you dont who will?   Not him/her/it/them/?    Next time he tries to shift blame to you ask him why he thinks its ok to hurt you...  to keep hurting you..weren't you enough?  he vowed you were enough...did that factor into his hormone therapy?

 

cookie wrote:

I just hate feeling like I'm the bad guy in this scenario. 

 
You have nothing to do with how and what other people think of you. You thinking you're the bad guy is a product of how your r'ship has progressed,

You know you're not "the bad guy"...so tell yourself you're not. Know that you're not.

Believe in who you are.

Elle

Cookie,

You aren’t the bad guy. There doesn’t have to be a bad guy and you don’t have to participate in that kind of discussion. There are facts. He wants things that you aren’t okay with, that you didn’t agree to (even if you did you could change your mind), and that means your relationship can’t work. Blame doesn’t even need to be assigned. But how cruel and self-centered to try to make you feel guilty about this. You have done something that’s incredibly brave, standing up for yourself while also supporting him as much as you could. He should be grateful. Maybe one day. Don’t wait around for it though.

I don’t think anyone can go through what he’s going through without a lot of emotional disturbance. He’s thinking like an adolescent right now. He wants what he wants and doesn’t care what it does to you, and won’t take responsibility for the results of his choices.

I hope you can get through it without much damage to yourself. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself!!  You’re the only one who can, and that also provides him the opportunity to deal with himself instead of having your help.