HereIn - I'm sorry my friend. I can feel the pain in your words. I know them all too well. My house goes up for sale this weekend and once sold and new house purchased, for the first time, I will only see my kids every other week. I know the fear you have, I share it. I don't have a good answer for that. What I can share is what I have been doing. I spend all of the time I can reassuring my 3 kids, that they can call me anytime, I love them more than life itself and nothing in the world they could ever do will change that. It doesnt make me feel better about it, but I do feel that they get comfort from it. Perhaps thats the best we can hope for without the benefit of more time. I don't know. 

Hang in there. Inch by inch. I can make it, I know you can too, brother. I'm so sorry you are having to endure this awful, horrible pain. 

HereIn - I'm so sorry for your pain. It's another layer of grief when we have kids to consider.  Hopefully, you can find an apartment not far from the home where the kids live. As my Marriage Therapist told me when I was TRYING to save it, kids are more resilient than we think. They will adapt as long as you stay present in their lives. 

Getting your apartment may give space and time to heal. My GID Husband (who has only admitted to being bisexual but all of his friends are gay) and I have chosen to co-parent in the same household. It's a sacrifice that I make for my children as it truly interrupts the healing process for me.  We have been roommates for over 2 years and he travels so it is our norm. My children know Mommy sleeps upstairs and Dad is in the basement. However, I have decided to take legal action to honor my values, beliefs, and needs. He would be ok staying married and having separate lives. 

You'll get through this phase. The first steps were the hardest for me - seeking legal counsel, admitting that you have to get a divorce, and taking off the ring! I am starting to feel better and the pain is not as tender. 

There's certainly some sadness when you close that door for the last time. There's also room for hope. Hope it all goes smooth for you.

So for the last 1-1/2 years I’ve been requesting that we go to couples counseling. She refused because she said she wouldn’t work on our marriage, there wasn’t a way to fix our marriage because the issue was her sexuality.

I talked to a sex therapist right after she came out who said if we wanted to, we could figure out how to incorporate her newfound sexuality into our marriage and it could actually be a good thing. I told her that and besides screaming at me for telling a second therapist, she told me her sexuality couldn’t be a good thing for our marriage, it wasn’t going to be a part of it.

In January she said she was willing to give me a divorce because she then understood that I deserved to be in a marriage with someone who could show up fully the way she couldn’t, and she was looking forward to experiencing that herself.

And last night (Valentine’s Day) our female neighbor came over who my wife is sure is a lesbian but doesn’t know it yet. Sure she’s married with 3 kids, nbd. And while I’m standing in the kitchen making dinner for our youngest kid, I’m talking to our neighbor whom I’m also friends with and my wife texts me that she wants to hang out with HER friend alone.

Today in our separation therapy session she says she’s not agreeing to a divorce because she’s gay but because I was a bad husband for 20 years.

Yes, our marriage sucked, yes I was often angry and frustrated, yes I yelled sometimes and didn’t manage my emotions or respond better. I’ve spent years acknowledging and apologizing for that. I’ve been in therapy for years dealing with childhood abuse and neglect. Nevermind the 7 years after we started having kids when I would come home from working all day and do the dishes, laundry, cook and clean up pet crap and piss from the carpet nearly every day because she was too depressed to do anything but lay  on the couch. Nevermind her controlling, anbusive and critical behavior. Nevermind that often when I got angry and yelled, it was in response to being yelled at or mistreated by her. And definitely let’s not talk about the 1000s of times she rejected me for sex, affection or spending time together, but anytime I didn’t want to have sex (maybe 50 times) she took it personally or accused me of cheating on her. I guess I was supposed be completely fine with all that.

But apparently we’re NOT getting a divorce because she’s a lesbian. I wish I’d known.

I’ve been doing so much better regulating my feelings lately. I’ve been able to let things go and not  think about it. Yesterday (before the neighbor thing) she was sick and I offered to get her soup and tried to joke around with her some. There was a glimpse of our friendship there, but then again, that glimpse was my effort. Regardless of how she’s treated me, I care about her and want the best for her. I’m still really sad I’m losing the person I thought I’d be with forever, but after that therapy session I absolutely can’t wait to move. I was already looking forward to it because I felt like it was forward progress, but now it can’t happen fast enough. I think I’m way more hurt than I thought though.

Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (February 15, 2023 3:47 pm)

I didn't start to feel in control of my feelings and path until I decided to get my therapist. My friend, it may be time to seek your own therapist. I'm not sure what a separation therapist will accomplish but don't subject yourself to such emotional and verbal abuse.