Posted by HereInMpls2717  January 22, 2023 3:06 pm | #21 |
I know that when I defend and explain my spouses' experiences (to whatever degree I'm able to) it could sound really hurtful and invalidating, or even like my situation is wonderful and I don't get what others are going through. Many spouses have had awful things done to them, both straights and LGBT spouses. I wish I knew a better way to balance it all. I don't see that hating anyone for who they are is helpful, but anger over the situation or the way they hurt you also makes sense sometimes. Staying there would destroy me. I really wish this forum were moderated by trained therapists. I think we'd all be better off if it were.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz January 22, 2023 5:36 pm | #22 |
HereInMpls2717 wrote:
....... Many spouses have had awful things done to them, both straights and LGBT spouses. I wish I knew a better way to balance it all. I don't see that hating anyone for who they are is helpful, but anger over the situation or the way they hurt you also makes sense sometimes. Staying there would destroy me..
Sometimes 2717...I feel burdened by the fact I have it much easier than others. Settled in a don't talk about it/don't acknowledge it I can almost take my time with what little time I have left (I'm 64) There is no animosity between us. An underlying resentment for both sure but not wanting his world to blow up in his face by a separation and having to explain it....and me hanging on to the easy life the situation allows means I go between wanting out and staying because the financial outlook would be....well, not dire but I would have less. Of everything.
"I really wish this forum were moderated by trained therapists." Can you explain what you mean? 
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon2222 January 22, 2023 6:08 pm | #23 |
2717 - I feel yah. It was a huge hit financially to suddenly end up single. I have been struggling and I work, a lot. I have to work 50+ hours a week to make it work. And I'm tired. But....I am making it work and it's kinda nice to be in a situation where I have my own money and can chose what I do.
Also, I don't intend to come across harsh (although I'm sure I can, as intent is hard online and I also do still struggle with the ups and downs that this is).
But, I also find I do empathize with my gay husband on some level. I mean, I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But, I don't condone what he did. And I for sure don't support any of it. He treated me very badly. But I still want him to be happy and have the life he wants, and he made it clear to do that it doesn't include me. It's been horrific because I deeply and truly loved him and the pain has been unreal.
But I don't think he's a bad person. I think he did some bad things, and I think he is really struggling with some things. But I had to take a step back and accept that I can't be the support he needs. In order to save myself from more pain, I have to do what I need to protect myself. Honestly, it's just a really messed up and unfortunate position to be in. I haven't always handled it well, but I also never expected to go through this. So just going one day at a time.
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Posted by Blackie563 January 22, 2023 7:58 pm | #24 |
I hear you. I think everyones situation is there own. When my ex told me she thought she was gay, I was 1000% supportive. But then it was clear she only told me some of the story. She began lying, habitually. I'x have proof and she would lie anyway. I dont hate anyone, hate takes too much energy. I certainly dont have any issues with LGBTQ community. I advocate for equality everyday for all. What I have an issue with, is her selfish, behavior. The lying. The online profiles that are clearly marked "looking for men". If she is bi- she never mentioned it. I would have happily supported that as well. She chose her own wants and decided to blow up her 3 kids lives and mine. I do think she is a bad person. I've learned through therapy, I have a rescuer thing going on, I seek out women I can "fix" unconciously. Thats a me problem. That said, we were together for 23 years. She knew this entire time who she was, and I dont mean gay, I mean manipulative, mean spirited, unkind, short tempered. Only in the last year has the mask come off completely.
Long winded way of saying, I get your point, but I think you may be presuming a great deal about many folks on this forum. All the best to you.
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Posted by HereInMpls2717 January 23, 2023 3:15 pm | #25 |
That's possible. Not my intention, but it's certainly possible and if I'm completely wrong, I'd retract it in a second. Too many statements from people saying all gay spouses do the same things, don't care about anyone but themselves, etc. Lumping everyone together and hating them is dehumanizing. I can definitely relate to experiencing the selfishness. You know what I did the other day and she's not speaking to me because SHE'S hurt.
I want to be compassionate and understanding of anyone who's felt life-long shame. That's wrong and they don't deserve that. But I also don't want to live with it either. Or die from it. And hurting your spouse by destroying their life is unconscionable too.
I hear you. I think everyones situation is there own. When my ex told me she thought she was gay, I was 1000% supportive. But then it was clear she only told me some of the story. She began lying, habitually. I'x have proof and she would lie anyway. I dont hate anyone, hate takes too much energy. I certainly dont have any issues with LGBTQ community. I advocate for equality everyday for all. What I have an issue with, is her selfish, behavior. The lying. The online profiles that are clearly marked "looking for men". If she is bi- she never mentioned it. I would have happily supported that as well. She chose her own wants and decided to blow up her 3 kids lives and mine. I do think she is a bad person. I've learned through therapy, I have a rescuer thing going on, I seek out women I can "fix" unconciously. Thats a me problem. That said, we were together for 23 years. She knew this entire time who she was, and I dont mean gay, I mean manipulative, mean spirited, unkind, short tempered. Only in the last year has the mask come off completely.
Long winded way of saying, I get your point, but I think you may be presuming a great deal about many folks on this forum. All the best to you.
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Posted by HereInMpls2717 January 23, 2023 3:25 pm | #26 |
I mean I wish therapists were involved in this forum to help us process and heal productively. Also the support groups. Maintaining or finding a productive way to get through this without sinking into despair and bitterness is easier said than done. This is a very unique kind of experience and trauma, and while my therapist has a trauma background, she's not providing much guidance. I'm just surprised and disappointed there aren't therapists who are knowledgeable and experienced with this type of situation that are involved. Maybe others know what they're doing but I don't.
....... Many spouses have had awful things done to them, both straights and LGBT spouses. I wish I knew a better way to balance it all. I don't see that hating anyone for who they are is helpful, but anger over the situation or the way they hurt you also makes sense sometimes. Staying there would destroy me..
Sometimes 2717...I feel burdened by the fact I have it much easier than others. Settled in a don't talk about it/don't acknowledge it I can almost take my time with what little time I have left (I'm 64) There is no animosity between us. An underlying resentment for both sure but not wanting his world to blow up in his face by a separation and having to explain it....and me hanging on to the easy life the situation allows means I go between wanting out and staying because the financial outlook would be....well, not dire but I would have less. Of everything.
"I really wish this forum were moderated by trained therapists." Can you explain what you mean?
Elle
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Posted by Rob January 23, 2023 4:03 pm | #27 |
2717,
It's hard and I think the reason this support group exists is because there are not many therapist that know what's it's like for a straight spouse in this situation. I'm not saying they don't exists..just they are hard to find. No one size fits all here but many honest opinions and people trying to help.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz January 24, 2023 3:55 am | #28 |
..... I'm just surprised and disappointed there aren't therapists who are knowledgeable and experienced with this type of situation that are involved. Maybe others know what they're doing but I don't.....
I think the straightspouse hasn't been acknowledged. I'm not sure why but to be acknowledged we have to be willing to tell our story...publicly. Apprehension at being judged, even though we are in no way to blame makes us stay in the shadows of the Mindfuck.
It may take us as long to come out as our gay SOs did. Generations maybe
Elle
KIA KAHA
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