I'm really sorry you went through that. I appreciate you respecting my request and I'll keep your advice in mind. I have found some public examples of MOMs that break up but stay friends, take vacations together, stay somewhat active in each others' lives, hang out weekly, etc. Having those visible/audible examples is really helpful. Having our kids both complicates things and forces us to prioritize kindness and working it out because they're our #1 concern at this point. 

 

lily wrote:

okay, so I'll say the thing I want to - it's not negativity it's hopefully helpful for navigating the time ahead of you -

traditionally, since divorce became an option, people have advised that first you end the marriage and then see about the friendship.

This is good advice on so many levels, but in terms of avoiding getting creamed in a divorce settlement, it is key.

It's pretty simple the way it worked for me - my ex suggested I give him a lump sum and in return I could have all the furnishings - everything except the house, we kept our own cars.  I thought okay it's more than it's actually worth but it is worth it because we won't have to argue about who gets what.  Then over the ensuing months it started with, well you can't take the tools, they're mine.  oh yes?  you can't leave me without a set of kitchen utensils.  and oh goodness you can't leave me without a bed or a chair or a tv or a fridge or a washing machine.  On the day I left he had taken my best linen and put it on his bed - I should have taken the linen, bed included but I didn't - still wanting to be his friend.  still unable to see beyond my own generally friendly persona.

 

Thanks.  yes, there are numbers of examples where couples have divorced and continued to co-parent amicably.

There's a world of difference between amicable and friendly.  Amicable can be forged if you forgo friendly.

I would be more well-disposed towards my ex if he had treated me well in the divorce, wouldn't I.  He wasn't ever going to do that but it still would have been better between us if I had insisted on actually getting a fair settlement.  

I can see that now, but at the time I couldn't cope with the pressure of going against him and I was more intent on getting away from him by then.  

Yes of course you can't do that, you can't just get away, you have six children!  it becomes even more important to get a fair settlement when you are going to need to make the shift from the adversarial positioning required to complete the divorce to a parenting alliance, doesn't it?

I thought of my anger as energy, it gave me active strength.





 

Last edited by lily (January 17, 2023 6:43 pm)

I'm sorry Rob, that sounds very difficult. I think there's so much pain in these situations for everyone. No one wins. I don't know if this helps, but my therapist says I have to remind myself that I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings. I'm only responsible for my own. It doesn't usually help me much, but some days it does.

Rob wrote:

2717,

Me and my GX amicably raise our kids...its amicably in that neither of us wants to talk to the other. Will not be taking any vacations together "for the kids".
The times we need to be together she conveys anger and a sick abnormal silent treatment like I did something wrong..ready to rage at any moment.

It's not anger on my part but pure physical fear.

I pray you can separate and not get treated like me.. your right the kids need a mom and dad that get along. For many if us it's hard to do when our exs are not clearly not normal.

When I first heard that phrase, I chaffed at it. I was in pain and I felt like that phrase meant my pain was my fault for not handling it better. That's not what it means. It means that I have to process my own feelings, and others have to process through their own feelings. My spouse can't fix my feelings. As much as she actually wants to. If I ask her to bear my feelings, she's powerless to do anything about it and I give up my power and healing. The same goes for her.  

You're right, my feelings are a consequence of other's actions sometimes. Someone CAN do something that hurts me. In my situation, my wife figured out her identity after 40 years of internalized shame. She told me, even though I could have rejected her. She's spent two years trying and wanting to be bisexual so we don't lose our marriage. All of that has been painful for both of us. All of that has hurt enough that I've wanted to die and privately planned to mulitple times. It hurt, despite her not wanting it to, despite her efforts, apologies, and sacrifices. She can't heal me. If she could, she would. I can and I have to. Otherwise I'm choosing to stay in this spot, and if I do that, I will certainly end my life. Instead I'm going to be responsible for my feelings and heal.

That's what that means. It doesn't help until it does. At this moment it is helping me. It probably won't tomorrow. But one day, one moment of better is worth it to me.

lily wrote:

Maybe you are the one responsible for coping with how you handle your feelings but how you feel is often very much a consequence of another's actions.

Last edited by HereInMpls2717 (January 19, 2023 9:08 pm)

We are working through how to separate now. I'm not sure how we'll do it. Financially it would be extremely difficult to have separate households, and it would be really hard on our kids too. I don't know if that can work though. 

Anon2222 wrote:

I am truly glad for you that you are able to work out the situation with your spouse and process things together. That is what is missing in a lot of these relationships.

Honestly, if everything had ended the same (ie: divorce) but my spouse and I had worked together, as a team, to come to this conclusion. That would be one thing. I do think the pain would be just as bad at times but the sense of betrayal, confusion, grief and disassociation from my life would have been a lot less. 

But, my gay husband literally choose to sit down on the couch beside me one Saturday morning and said "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you". Like a frying pan to the face. I had no idea. We never talked about it. Didn't have a single clue that he was just planning out our divorce for the last while....

And then he walked out, and didn't come back. Left me with everything. All the bills, upkeep and everything else, with half the salary. He just literally abandoned his life. Ironically I had planned a really awesome surprise vacation for our anniversary. 

I am also left with the thought that I was with this person for 2 decades of my life and apparently he was a complete stranger. Also, try coping with the realization that no one has ever truly loved you and seen you as a partner. It's a horrible and cruel thing to find out and learn to cope with.

But I have also not taken this out on my spouse. I do not blame him for being gay. I am well aware it's not something anyone has control over. But, I sure do hold him responsible for his behaviour and how he handled everything. And the gaslighting and emotional/psychological abuse he put me through.

I am not vindictive. I don't want bad things for him. Honestly, I do want him to be happy. But I have some big, gaping wounds that are just beginning to scar over. No sugar coating it, he ruined me and destroyed my life. And I am left picking up the pieces. But it is my responsibility to do so. Because, if I remain bitter and hold a grudge....that hurts no one but myself.

The plan continues to be to reach an amicable divorce settlement and both move on. I have not decided as of yet whether I would still like to remain in contact or not, and at what level of contact I would be comfortable. But I'm not in a rush and am coming to peace with the idea that this will be a long process and I'll go one day at a time. But, it really is nice to put myself first for once. And actually be an autonomous individual and do what I want!

Have you separated? I imagine those with large families would have a harder time with this part. Here, you can't even apply for a divorce until you have been physically separated (different addresses, and can prove you have independent lives) for a minimum of a year. It's quite the feat to separate lives that are so intertwined. 

The as good as can be stories are nice to hear, I will continue to live vicariously through others and keep taking what I can from everything out there. And support others as I can.