I understand where you are coming from, but you also have a situation where you had a lot of religious oppression in your relationship, as well as your wife not intending to hurt you. It does make a difference.

My spouse had a very supportive upbringing, has a sibling who is bi and in a poly marriage, has had full support since coming out, you name it. And he lied to me for over a decade. As well as admitted to me that the last few years he used me as a cover, so he could accept himself and decide what he wanted (and there was never any discussion before he said "I'm gay and I'm divorcing you" and then walked out). We were married shy of 20 years. It was a huge shock to find out that apparently the entire thing was a bit of a sham and I was the only one who believed it. It's not nice finding out you were used.

I have had my moments. And yes, I very much hate what he did to me. And I am still recovering from being a shell of who I was. But, we do actually remain relatively amicable.

He has been supportive in me keeping the house (and my horde of pets), as well as helped out around the house with things that needed to be done after he moved out. He drove me to a surgery I had done. He sent me flowers when my (our) dog passed away at Christmas.

I struggle still with emotions, hurt, grief, you name it but he has also been good about letting me vent as needed. He has apologized multiple times for his actions, which hasn't really helped a ton, but it is better than the alternative. I am slowly learning what boundaries I have to put in place in order to protect myself and what information I can and can't handle. 

I don't know if we will ever really be close friends or anything, but we treat each other fairly and as we're progressing through the divorce process we have been amicable about what each of us wants and needs. I hope it continues this way, as it is a heck of a lot less stressful than other stories I have seen.

So, I believe it is definitely possible to remain amicable, but it's also good to get out all the pain and emotions too. I have made posts about how angry and hurt I am, simply because no one else in my life would understand. And here, people get it. But, I also don't demonize my gay husband. I think he is a very flawed individual, who has a lot to work out in himself, but I have no desire to be vindictive (but I am by no means perfect).

Honestly, this whole thing really is the mind fuck of the century. I have never felt like this ever. The rollercoaster, the pain, the vast changes in my life.......but, I am started to feel a bit better in the sense that I'm having more good days than bad. We still chat via text on and off and I send him pictures of the dogs. I'm not sure what the future holds but I also know I'm just too old and too tired to hold on to what happened forever and all I can do is keep going.

Good luck! 

I understand what you are saying. Everything I read in here scares the hell out of me. My husband is deep in denial although he has had 2 affairs with men.
When I tell people that my heart breaks for him as much as it does for me, they look at me like I'm insane. "Where's your anger? Get mad! If you can get mad, you'll move on faster!" It kinda makes me feel like I'm not doing this right.
I'm not angry..I'm sad. I don't WANT to divorce. I love him. But it's not living a truth. Being married is a lie. Leaving something I never wanted to leave makes me sad.  I'm so full of sadness over the fact that he did this. That my children's lives are destroyed. That my future is over. That I don't know what my past is. But I'm sad because there was a part of him (southern Baptist/military child) that told him YEARS ago "THIS IS BAD. FIX IT!!" And he struggled to fix it- and he found me as part of the solution.
Now, I do have resentment about how he's treated me all these years. He loves me, I know, but he hasn't been exactly nice. He's ignored us. He's let me raise the children alone. He's made them feel like he doesn't like being with them. He's popped in and out of our family time on his schedule. THAT I can get mad about.
But the part of him that didn't want to be this was... The part where he was told it was terrible... The part that, now that I HAVE found this out is leaving and taking the kids.... That part I'm still sad about. Because he told himself it was a bad part of him and now that someone else found out about it- look what happened. His life ended. I'm basically validating his greatest fear. I'm driving him further into the closet.
So I'm really sad for him. And when I say that to the few people that know what happened, they say, you'll get there. You'll get angry.
I don't want to be angry. It feels like an exhausting emotion and it feels overwhelming. I want peace. I want amicable.
I'm telling him tomorrow that we need to divorce. I don't know how he's going to handle it. There have been a lot of tears from me over the months. He's held me while I've cried. I don't THINK that's been a manipulation. I think it comes from the love he has for me. He's said multiple times, "I don't know how to fix this, but maybe the only way is for me to remove the thing that's hurting you. And that's me"
I'm not sad to lose my husband, but I am sad to lose my friend. I'll miss our dinners out. I'll miss our TV watching. I used to say, "I love sitting on the couch and not talking to you." I'll miss just being present in his life.
If you have advice for how to talk with him so that we can still be friends, I'm open. It may not work. My aunt tells me that I'll probably start out that way and change my mind over time.... I don't like to think that's the case. I'd like to do birthdays together and have him over for dinner with the kids. I'd like to sit together at volleyball games and call to ask for help with pickups. I don't want mean. I'm not mean. I think if I had to think I was facing an adversary every day for the rest of my life, I might crumple and die.

Last edited by ImSoConfused (January 17, 2023 5:12 am)

I hope it's straight forward. We frequently have problems with communication. It's not a wonderful situation by any means, but I hope it'll have a good result. Thanks for your well wishes!

Dear ImSoConfused,

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Your story sounds somewhat familiar, especially the pain and fear. I told her again last night- I don't WANT a divorce. I don't want to be without her. I want to wake up every day to her, all of that. But as you said, it isn't truth. It hurts us straight spouses to know we're not wanted or loved the way we've desired and loved them, and that our lives haven't been what we believed them to be, and it hurts our LGBT spouses because they're pretending to be something they aren't and they see the hurt they're causing. I know many believe that LGBT spouses are uncaring about that, but I don't believe that's the dominant scenario.  

There is no right way to do this. That by itself can be scary, but just know that however you work through it is completely fine. I don't know why people think it's helpful to try to predict your process. That isn't helpful at all, even if you do eventually get angry about it. Anger is a feeling, just like sadness and grief. I've found that anger is a protective/defensive emotion, while sadness and grief bring healing. It feels like you might die from grief sometimes but you just have to get through one day at a time and eventually it lessens. I have good days now. The last week I've been spontaneously crying a dozen times a day, sometimes right in front of people. It's the way it is. 

It will help to stop telling yourself that your life is ruined, your kids' lives are destroyed, and you're driving him further into the closet. I promise none of that is true. You'll get through this. We can't see the happiness we'll enjoy after we've gone through this, but it'll be there. If you both can limit animosity between you, that has the biggest impact on your kids. Taking an extended break from each other might help you do that. Regarding your husband and his closet- he's not hiding because of you. He's hiding because of deep shame and fear. You aren't responsible for that. You didn't create his closet. He is the only one who can work through that.

You have to advocate for yourself and your needs. You can be kind and amicable with him, of course! But the hardest thing I've had to learn and continually remind myself is that in this situation, your spouse isn't really a spouse. Legally, sure. But my wife isn't a wife to me. She doesn't even understand what I'm missing out on. I hope one day she'll find someone who loves her and she can love them the way it should be, and she'll look back and realize what I did without for so long. Ultimately that validation doesn't matter, but it would be nice to hear.

I'm finding that my partner can't be consistent right now with anything. Your husband might love you AND he might be volatile and not able to make choices that are in the best interest of you both. I've heard many people say that when a spouse (or anyone later in life, single or otherwise) comes out, it's like they enter adolescence again and only think of themselves for a while. I'm hoping that through couple's counseling with a therapist who helps couples divorce, we'll get though it. Consulting with an attorney might not be a bad idea to get a feel for your situation. Hopefully others can comment on legal matters like mediation, special masters, etc. because I'm not there yet.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve to experience what you hoped marriage would be. You don't deserve what you're going through. I hope you know that, or that you get there soon!

ImSoConfused wrote:

I understand what you are saying. Everything I read in here scares the hell out of me. My husband is deep in denial although he has had 2 affairs with men.
When I tell people that my heart breaks for him as much as it does for me, they look at me like I'm insane. "Where's your anger? Get mad! If you can get mad, you'll move on faster!" It kinda makes me feel like I'm not doing this right.
I'm not angry..I'm sad. I don't WANT to divorce. I love him. But it's not living a truth. Being married is a lie. Leaving something I never wanted to leave makes me sad. I'm so full of sadness over the fact that he did this. That my children's lives are destroyed. That my future is over. That I don't know what my past is. But I'm sad because there was a part of him (southern Baptist/military child) that told him YEARS ago "THIS IS BAD. FIX IT!!" And he struggled to fix it- and he found me as part of the solution.
Now, I do have resentment about how he's treated me all these years. He loves me, I know, but he hasn't been exactly nice. He's ignored us. He's let me raise the children alone. He's made them feel like he doesn't like being with them. He's popped in and out of our family time on his schedule. THAT I can get mad about.
But the part of him that didn't want to be this was... The part where he was told it was terrible... The part that, now that I HAVE found this out is leaving and taking the kids.... That part I'm still sad about. Because he told himself it was a bad part of him and now that someone else found out about it- look what happened. His life ended. I'm basically validating his greatest fear. I'm driving him further into the closet.
So I'm really sad for him. And when I say that to the few people that know what happened, they say, you'll get there. You'll get angry.
I don't want to be angry. It feels like an exhausting emotion and it feels overwhelming. I want peace. I want amicable.
I'm telling him tomorrow that we need to divorce. I don't know how he's going to handle it. There have been a lot of tears from me over the months. He's held me while I've cried. I don't THINK that's been a manipulation. I think it comes from the love he has for me. He's said multiple times, "I don't know how to fix this, but maybe the only way is for me to remove the thing that's hurting you. And that's me"
I'm not sad to lose my husband, but I am sad to lose my friend. I'll miss our dinners out. I'll miss our TV watching. I used to say, "I love sitting on the couch and not talking to you." I'll miss just being present in his life.
If you have advice for how to talk with him so that we can still be friends, I'm open. It may not work. My aunt tells me that I'll probably start out that way and change my mind over time.... I don't like to think that's the case. I'd like to do birthdays together and have him over for dinner with the kids. I'd like to sit together at volleyball games and call to ask for help with pickups. I don't want mean. I'm not mean. I think if I had to think I was facing an adversary every day for the rest of my life, I might crumple and die.