AKate wrote:

... I just want him to like himself. I’m not even thinking about me. I’m just worried about my best friend and all of the pain he is in right now. I mean yes, I am feeling confused and angry and have lots of questions, but that is totally secondary to my just wanting to support him.

Am I crazy here...?

 
Not crazy. But your love is probably standing in the way of really seeing what's happened. He had sex with a man. That's not what you signed up for but until you can see clearly that you're as important as him... you'll keep putting him first.
Keeping reading, asking questions. Most importantly...go get yourself tested for STIs.

You should feel angry.

'hugs' Elle

You are not crazy. I’m sorry this is happening.
I feel like love for my husband also clouded my head when he would not let initially comfort him and he would show anger towards himself like he didn’t deserve my love.

It’s good he is talking about his feelings with a therapist and you. I am also trying to figure out what “support” looks like to my husband. I have put him first to the point where I have felt like I have disrespected myself . Know that you are worth it and you deserve someone to care about your feelings and to be YOUR support too. Sending you a hug!

Thanks everyone, it doesn’t change the situation, but it does help to hear your thoughts and support.  It’s been a roller coaster of emotions the past few weeks, as to be expected.  I am pretty sure I’ve had moments of anger, sadness and happiness multiple times in one day, everyday, for the past month.  That’s a new bag of emotions for me.  I am a pretty even tempered person, which not to say I don’t feel emotions, I do.  But, the swinging from one emotion to the next on a pretty consistent daily basis is unsettling and exhausting.  There is not much I can do about it but let it happen, though; one day at a time.

HereInMpls, you mentioned speaking to a therapist and I do have my own counselor.  I have therapy later today, actually.  I am not sure how much it is helping me right now, because I feel so lost.  But, I am going to keep going.  You also said that it could be helpful to learn and understand the reasons why he’s denied his sexuality until now, and we have talked about that.  The truth is, there was a time when he didn’t deny it.  He moved away from his parents to go to college when he was 18 and he came out.  He was living as a gay man.  He found a social circle in the gay community.  He was having sex; dating men.  He had a boyfriend too.  However, his parents had no idea about any of this.  He tried to tell them, he tried to come out to them, and they were furious.  There was a huge rift between them.  They didn’t speak to him for a year.  His boyfriend broke up with him.  All of that, with lots of other emotions and events mixed in, sent him back into the closet, where he had been all through high school.  Of course, I only just recently learned all of this.  And, it does help to have more context around his journey.  But, it is also just really disappointing, obviously.  I’ve told him wish I could rewind time for him and tell that 20 year old kid, that it would be ok and not to deny who you really are.

Anyways, we continue to have conversations about what is going on, how we are feeling, and most recently agreed that we need to get on the same page about the possibilities we see for how we move forward.  Neither of us knows exactly what to do right now….still both feeling overwhelmed by the weight of the situation.  But, we also agreed that it could start to feel less overwhelming if we could start to verbalize and conceptualize what path we can see for the future, because we both know we aren’t just going to stay stuck in the mud of where we are now.  It feels simultaneously hopeful and terrifying that we both want to work together to move forward.  But, oh well, I’ll just learn to roll with it, I guess.

Again thanks, everyone.  It is really so helpful to type this all out and know it is not falling on deaf ears.  That this group honestly knows what I’m dealing with and going through.  Hugs to you all!

AKate wrote:

Am I crazy here? Has anyone in my position ever felt this way too? Am I blinded by my love for him and the honestly wonderful life we have? Shouldn’t I be hysterical right now?

Hi Kate,

First, you are not crazy.  You loved your husband and probably still do.  I'm not sure how long you guys have been together, but if you are a caring person it doesn't just go away in the blink of an eye.  I, too, have gone through what you went through.  When my TH first really showed his true side to me, my first reaction was to take care of her and to make sure she was ok.  I kept reassuring her that it would all be fine, that I wouldn't leave, that we would go shopping together and I'd show her how to be a woman.  But little by little, I started to realize that I was just being a caretaker and nurturer, as is my nature.  I went into survival mode for her sake because I loved her and didn't want her to feel bad about herself.  

Over time, that honeymoon period of me wanting to make sure she was ok wore off and I think I began to process what was happening for myself personally.  Everything turned from wanting to help, to living with constant anxiety over what she would come out like next.  I had no control over anything anymore and was just miserable.  When I got to the point of panic attacks I left.  

You are about to experience a whole rollercoaster of emotions.  What I would advise is to let yourself feel everything, even though it is going to hurt.  Try not to place blame on yourself.  You did nothing wrong.  And if your husband has been this miserable then he needs to deal with it.  Maybe a separation for a bit would allow you time to make sure you are processing everything that is happening.  Just make sure that you are safe physically and mentally.  I am not sure what boundaries you had set in your marriage, but the fact that your husband committed adultery would be a huge red flag for myself and my morals (betrayal).  If you are still intimate, please be sure you are careful and get tested.  

Don't try to rationalize your thoughts right now.  Just feel them...they are all valid.  And first and foremost, focus on yourself.  Good luck.

You