OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / A burden

**Posted by JKvali** December 20, 2022 7:32 pm

Does anyone else feel incredibly alone? Like no one in the world could ever understand the life you are living right now? Much of the time I am ok, like no one knows what is going on. At work they have only known me a year and this happened in January so they think this is my normal. But I’m not me. I am depressed and apathetic. My life is so ambiguous and I don’t know if there is even a path to follow, even if there was a path to carve, I don’t have the mental energy to move forward…

**Posted by Daryl** December 20, 2022 8:05 pm

I think many of us know this feeling. There's a reason why, so often, we say 'tell someone'. Even if they are not in this situation, it helps if you can unload all this with someone who will have your back in a non-judgemental way. Can be friend, family, professional help. Whatever works for you.

**Posted by JKvali** December 20, 2022 9:46 pm

Thank you, Daryl. I have an app based life coach-she is great, I love that she is non-biased and is rooting for me without judging. I just don’t feel like I can share with family or friends. They are all upset. I get it. So am I, but I need neutral right now. I can’t ask my mom to be beige but I need her to just love me with out judging the situation. Everyone is deciding what her pronouns need to be, I’m like just respect her and let me be free to grieve without fighting. So I just shut up, I’ll be in my brain cave where it is a bit safer.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 21, 2022 11:34 am

What you describe sounds like grief and depression to me, both of which are totally normal responses to your circumstances. When a spouse disowns a prior gender identity and sexuality (a male husband who decides he is a woman and a lesbian) it's like a death, except the person has not physically died, and your grief will not abate over time. It's ongoing.

Here are resources that might help you feel less alone: Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell, "“Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples When One Partner is Transgender”Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53(full text of article available online)

The concept of "ambiguous loss" addresses a loss when the person has not died but is gone (could be dementia, mental illness, missing, estrangement, as well as gender identity). The person who pioneered this concept is Pauline Boss, a therapist. She has a website:
https://www.ambiguousloss.com/

And a person who has extended the concept of "ambiguous loss" to the grieving process also has a website:
https://stephaniesarazin.com/

Sarazin has a helpful "guidebook" (with exercises): "Soul Broken: A Guidebook for your Journey Through Ambiguous Grief" I found it useful in working through the losses and transformations that occurred with both my ex's disavowal of his maleness and my mother's dementia.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 21, 2022 1:02 pm

JKvali wrote:
.....I need neutral right now. I can’t ask my mom to be beige but I need her to just love me with out judging the situation. ....

I've always dreamed of my family being like my counselor.... asking the right questions, coming up with gems of strategies, non-judgmental...lol
Counselors don't feel awkward about our situation like our families must but nor do they love us like our families so I guess that's what it is....our families can't be neutral because they care for us.

I reckon you need to keep talking to your mother about why you need 'neutral'. She may be your greatest ally

Elle

**Posted by JKvali** December 21, 2022 6:16 pm

Thank you for the resources @outofhiscloset. I feel like you might be right. @ellexoh I keep reminding my mom and she is trying, but I can still feel her angst. I know it can’t be easy for her, I’m her only girl and she only wants what’s best.

**Posted by lily** December 22, 2022 4:23 pm

Hi JK

Fight or flight and then there's freeze - I like it, I felt like I was waking up from being in a freezer. We sometimes use the word limbo here - being in limbo. I just looked the word up in my dictionary and apart from the one I knew - being caught up waiting for someone else to make a decision, I read this definition for it - a state of neglect or oblivion, as in these prisoners are in limbo, no-one is responsible for their welfare.

That so reminded me of the situation I was in with my ex. Innately, something which strikes me as incredibly normal - I felt responsible for the welfare of my husband. Eventually I realised he wasn't reciprocal and the situation was I cared about him, he cared about him and who was left caring for me?

Apart from my mother of course.

Let her help you, she is in this with you. Maybe her upset is not over pronouns so much as it's over seeing her daughter hurting so bad and not being able to help her.

Your feminising husband has his own agenda - why not set his agenda aside for a while and concentrate on what is on your's - what you need.

I was way down the track, already had a solicitor to arrange a divorce who said to me you do realise you're in an emotionally abusive relationship don't you? No not until she said it. Now I look back and see how he pushed me around using my feelings. And I saw how one-sided it was.

Last edited by lily (December 22, 2022 4:41 pm)

**Posted by Rob** December 23, 2022 12:34 pm

Up vote on Lily's reply.. so summarized my situation;

"..Eventually I realised he wasn't reciprocal and the situation was I cared about him, he cared about him and who was left caring for me?.."

"..who said to me you do realise you're in an emotionally abusive relationship don't you? No not until she said it..."

In my life now my kids, self and others get the fierce care, love, time, loyalty I was giving my GX.

Last edited by Rob (December 23, 2022 12:40 pm)