OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Hard realities

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 6, 2022 1:13 pm

lily wrote:
Why should it be like that Elle? if someone is being managed with false hope dangling then the sooner they realise it the better, I would have thought. Their life and their natural assets are ticking away.

I think the ability to hope is a great asset. To me it shows we're human and less willing to give up on something. Just because some selfish men and women have ruined the expectations of a straightspouse shouldn't make us hope-less for everything else in our lives. I'd hate to lose my own ability to hope, because now that trait has become all about me. I grew up learning about hope and he isn't going to destroy it all.
It's now part of who I am, not who we are. I'm not hoping to save my r'ship as it was, I'm not hoping my partner will magically turn into the man he was, nor hoping life will go back to being the false-perfect it was.

Hope is an optimistic state of mind not a pessimistic one. All my hopes are riding on me

**Posted by lily** November 9, 2022 6:19 pm

I don't think of hoping as an asset - don't we all prefer to be in hope than despair?

As the saying goes 'Hope springs eternal in the human breast.'

You simply can't even things out, you have to rely on homeostasis, we go from despair to hope and having had a bout of depression I ended up thinking of it like the blanketing of snow on the aching bare branches - sometimes we need our Winter.

What you are saying is that you have rid yourself of all your false hopes and just have hope in yourself, so what are you hoping for - it would be false to hope that your relationship will turn into a source of warmth, wouldn't it?

So if you are hoping that you will provide emotional security for yourself then I think that is a real hope and you will do what you need when you need to.

As Clif said, lots of us have false hopes and new posters often believe things will be fine just as long as they do what makes their spouse happy.

Last edited by lily (November 9, 2022 6:29 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 9, 2022 7:04 pm

lily wrote:
.......What you are saying is that you have rid yourself of all your false hopes and just have hope in yourself.....

Yes

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** November 11, 2022 11:11 pm

Victo,
I sensed it too, no matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise. We don't want to admit what we know is coming, because we're too invested, too frightened, too in love, despite everything. I love her so much. That's what makes this the horror that it is. How do I purge that? She's all I've known for my entire adult life. I've wanted nothing more than her. What now?

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** November 17, 2022 12:52 pm

I joined this support group around this time last year. I tried to make my marriage work by readjusting my expectations and agreeing to stay married. It wasn't until Sunday that I realize that this is not going to get any better. I have allowed my GH to loop me into a hurtful cycle because I am still expecting him to be a husband. Then an incident happens and I see he is very selfish and I am mad. We reconcile because he is a good talker and convinces me that it's workable. I have stayed in a hopeful state that I can save my marriage.

It wasn't until last week that my husband told me the reasons he married me. He said, "I wasn't in love with you but I loved you. I knew you could have kids, we have similar religious backgrounds, you like to work, etc". Sadly, this was not my first time hearing the reasons he married me. But this time I heard with a different ear! I asked him, "Do you want someone to marry your daughter for the same reasons? You should not have married me because you knew about your attraction to men! Now I am collateral damage!" I was not feeling well on Sunday but my husband decided to still go 'out' to celebrate his love-interest birthday. I asked him to stay home and he didn't. I realize that I have to hope to break this cycle, not save my marriage. I have to remove him from a role that he was NOT made to fulfill. I hope to have the courage to finally get out of this situation.

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (November 17, 2022 12:54 pm)

**Posted by Rob** November 17, 2022 3:27 pm

"... I asked him to stay home and he didn't..."

And that tells you all you need to know despite any hope. I recall begging my GX not to go out with tears in my eyes and she went anyway..

I watched a silly romcom movie "Moonshot" recently and the advice to the girl when the boyfriend would not leave his to be with her was "he should follow you". If we ask something of them they should should want to do it..we should not have to beg, cry or plead.

While it's sad losing hope it can also be a load of bricks off our chest to not have to keep begging and pleading..we should be enough..we should be more than enough.

**Posted by lily** November 17, 2022 4:24 pm

I think part of it is it is very difficult to believe it is as bad as it is - if it was less bad it would be easier to believe yourself.

What I kept wanting to say after I got out of my very long marriage was it only gets worse with time.

"...I was not feeling well....I asked him to stay home and he didn't.."

For me that got to - I asked him to take me into the emergency section at the hospital and he didn't.

And everybody thinks he's such a nice guy. I don't!

Last edited by lily (November 17, 2022 4:25 pm)

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** November 18, 2022 10:32 am

Rob - Yes, I realize that I have become an enabler to allow this cycle to continue. I'm now focusing on my needs to care for my Children in peace.

Lily - so true! I have rationalized myself into staying in a cycle that does not serve me! I have to break free!