OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Hard realities

**Posted by Clif** November 3, 2022 6:33 am

I ran across a few quotes.They are painful but also true.
That thoughts seem very appropriate here.

"Some people will hurt you, and they won’t care how you feel about it."

"Nobody is coming to save you. You have to do it yourself."

"Just because you go out of your way for people, it doesn’t mean they will do the same for you."

Be well,
Clif

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 3, 2022 1:25 pm

Clif...hello Are you okay? Your post just sounds so sad

Elle

**Posted by lily** November 3, 2022 3:57 pm

Hi Cliff - yes good quotes. When you are up close and personal and objectivity is gone then it is trust that you have in your partner - it is so hard to understand your trust is being abused when that is the last thing you'd want to do to anyone yourself.

I have been on such a steep learning curve since getting away from the ex.

**Posted by Charting My Path** November 3, 2022 4:11 pm

Clif,

It's a hard realty that one we trust most could harm us the most and the most we could get from that person is a half harted "sorry" at best. When I was going through my divorce my ex-wife could only discuss it as business. So damn cold and impersonal from someone I was married to for 20 years.

**Posted by Clif** November 4, 2022 6:53 am

Ellexoh_nz,
I am good. Thank you for asking!
Just seeing a lot of hope from the newbies and am afraid they may be putting too much hope in the illusions, that we all had, of what they thought their marriages were. Hard truths can be painful but necessary in my humble opinion.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 4, 2022 12:01 pm

Clif wrote:
Just seeing a lot of hope from the newbies

But that's how it should be. Hope that something can be saved. Hope that it's all been a terrible dream. Hope that life will carry on.
This is a journey after all, and any journey is better if it teaches you about others and you discover strengths about yourself.

I see a lot of wisdom in the Forum and while we know it's only the beginning of a newbies navigation through the stormy seas of the Mindfuck... and we can see the hope, the distress, the confusion....the realization and acceptance is theirs to learn

Elle

**Posted by lily** November 4, 2022 7:41 pm

Why should it be like that Elle? if someone is being managed with false hope dangling then the sooner they realise it the better, I would have thought. Their life and their natural assets are ticking away.

**Posted by SameDeepWaterAsPhil** November 4, 2022 10:26 pm

I know it may be hard to believe, but tonight was the first time I've thought "it's over." We had a session tonight with our marriage counselor during which my LW proclaimed that she's not sure she wants "us" anymore. From the start, it's been all about her & her journey after 3 decades together. Like so many others on this forum, I've experienced being blamed for her secretive SSA. If only I had been more "emotionally safe," then we wouldn't be in this situation is the general theme. The reality is, I've adored & doted on this woman for 30 years & she's lied, deceived, & misled me the entire time, whether consciously or not. Now, I'm too damned old & still in love with her to know what else to do. And that's it, isn't it: what else is there? I was naive enough to believe that God would see us through. Now I'm staring down what is likely divorce & the end of life as I've known it since I was a college student.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** November 5, 2022 9:41 am

About hope:
I recently learned about the concept of "ambiguous grief," which describes what we feel when there's a rupture in a relationship that is like a death, except the person is still alive: an estrangement, cheating, a revelation or discovery of same sex attraction or gender variance. The author of the book ("Soul Broken"), distinguishes between two types of hope: external and internal. External hope focuses on the other person; we might hope for an apology, or a restoration of the relationship, for example. With external hope, we hold on; but external hope, because it relies on the other person, is not something we can control. Internal hope, by contrast, proceeds from focuses on ourselves: what we can do, how we can move forward. It proceeds from an acceptance of our loss.

I don't know if "external hope" is synonymous with "false hope," but I'd say that any hope that depends on or focuses on the other person rather than on our ourselves leaves us at the mercy of someone else, whom we cannot control.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 5, 2022 9:42 am)

**Posted by Victo** November 5, 2022 1:32 pm

I’m sorry, SameDeepWaterAsPhil. I sensed this was coming.

I understand the hope. Hope is powerful stuff. It is why people hold on after a stock has crashed, or why they willingly disbelieve and disregard evidence of guilt by a loved one, or why we sometimes stay in completely untenable marriages.

By the time my ex finally admitted to her lesbian affair (after being caught red handed by our then 9-yo daughter), I was honestly initially just relieved. I had been forcing myself to stay in a situation that didn’t work and at that moment, I finally could just let go.

It was the aftermath, when I began to calculate the destruction my GID narcissist abuser ex had wrought on me that I began to get angry.

But even anger is only so helpful.

My next goal is zen. Yes, I’m spiritually, financially, and emotionally destroyed by my ex. But nobody gets through a life unscathed. I’m not nearly there yet. Zen is a long way off. But at least I can hope.