Blackie563 wrote:

Wishing you the best.....

Thanks Blackie. I feel like I wish I was as moved on in this process as you are, yet I know if I moved too quickly without actually being sure I would succeed...I'd come crashing down. By "succeed" I mean "have no regrets leaving". I want to not look back

Elle
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

 By "succeed" I mean "have no regrets leaving". I want to not look back 

I understand this, truly. I have zero doubt that I will look back from time to time, to do so is human. That said, based on what I know and how she has treated me, even if she came right to my room and apologized for everything, I can't say I'd take her back or trust her ever again. That to me, is non-negotiable, because I am not a jealous person, if I feel I have to check your email and phone logs, I have no interest in that type of relationship. I'd always wonder "is she off doing it again, she found many ways to lie to me before, she can do it again". 

I'm not saying its impossible, anything is possible, but where I am at is I am no longer expecting or hoping for that outcome. If by some rare chance, we find a way to reconcile and she gets the professional help she needs, not for her same sex attraction, but for her emotional immaturity, self centered nature and complete lack of intrapersonal skills, then thats fine. I dont NEED that. I've reached a point where I can clearly know what I need and what I want and have the ability to let the "wants" go. I'm not judging you or anyone else, this is just where I am on my journey. Everyone has their own path. 

So I am saying dont wish you were where I am, wish for where you need to be in order to be comfortable you've made the right decision for you. Nothing else matters.

My comments in red

walkbymyself wrote:

I'm so sorry, I've been offline and only now catching up -- I'm sorry I didn't respond when you first posted.  It's just so, so hard, and sometimes you're just trying to figure out the least bad choice of all the choices that are available to you. Oh Walk...that's okay The whole thing was a response to having to move into his bed while my son was here.  (and it's satisfying I could do that without feeling pressured....or having to pressure my partner) Call it a chapter-glitch in my Book of Survival.
My son has gone now  and the day after he went I had moved all my things back into MY room. 

One of the things I remember feeling, back when I was still in the house with my husband, was that I hated the idea that "home" was not a sanctuary.  I really wanted "home" to be a place where I was safe, and where "true" and "false" were simple and grounded in reality.  I did NOT want to feel there were drawers or cupboards in my home where I would suddenly and unexpectedly be shocked at yet another horrible discovery.  I did NOT want "home" to be where I cleared a paper jam in the printer, only to see a flurry of pages spit out gay pornographic images.  I was exhausted by "home" feeling like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. The fact of it was.....it was my partner's room, I needed to give my son space so gave him my room. We only have 2 bedrooms, my son is in a far worse headspace than I am and maternal instinct won over the Mindfuck. That's it. Being an intimate and loving partner is not an option anymore. But it was wonderful I could still be a mother. 

Elle

 

Toward the Light wrote:

I’m happy you could still be a mother, Elle. That matters. And so sorry your son is struggling.

Thanks TtL my son is 42 and alcoholic. One of the most resourceful people I know. We teach each other a lot about being there for others
 

We've moved across the city to a new home. It's been a bit hectic, stressful.. and we've had no internet, so no tv for a week now. It's been okay. Last night we played Scrabble for 2 hours. Kinda novel and fun. Tonight we decided to watch the news hour on his phone but I thought the screen was too dark and asked him to turn the brightness up. In the end I had to do it, then tried to get back to the news....
First thing that came up was Locanto which I'm sure you know (maybe you don't) is a sex site. BAM! in my face. The word Locanto. I didn't read further. Passed the phone back and said "I don't need to see that"
My stomach feels queasy, I'm hot and bothered. We're not intimate, I don't love him romantically, I'm here surviving so this shouldn't matter right? And maybe it won't tomorrow..

But I had to tell it...get it off my tight tense chest.
So I'm "putting it all down here"

Elle