OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / EMDR or other trauma therapies

**Posted by PageTurner** October 2, 2022 9:06 pm

Hi all -

I'm 14 months into this ride after my wife of 11 years came out as a lesbian July of 2021. I started therapy soon after and while I feel like I am in a stable place most of the time there is still so much that sends me right back into the flames of anger, depression, grief, etc of those first months after all this began. The triggers are only going to get more frequent as my gay ex wife begins dating, which I hear unwanted details about from our young children when they are with me. (Can't exactly ask my kids to not talk about their mom's 'friends', can I?) Anyway, long story short, I feel like I have stalled out with my therapy and that I need to face this trauma head on. Because I am realizing that that is what I am - traumatized - and until I deal with that, I am not going to truly be able to move forward.

I have learned recently about EMDR therapy an heard some success story from a friend. Has anyone in this situation tried it? Has anyone here had success with any other trauma focused therapy modalities? I will try anything - god knows I've already tried a million things in the last 14 months, many of them way crazier than EMDR, and many of them have helped. But I want something that is going to truly let me put this trauma behind me, or at least let me pass a pride flag or a lesbian couple without my stomach dropping. If that means EMDR, or something else, I'm all for it. Thanks, all.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 3, 2022 1:31 am

PageTurner wrote:
.....(Can't exactly ask my kids to not talk about their mom's 'friends', can I?) ....

Hello Pageturner.... Welcome 😁 I don't know your children's ages, and I'm going out on a limb here but why can't you let them know how much this situation has hurt you.
Mine were adults and with young ones any explanations would have to be age-appropriate.
Do you children ask questions about why you're no longer with their mother?

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** October 3, 2022 6:29 am

I agree with Elle. It would have to be age appropriate. I told my adult son when I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay. My son was appalled and angry at the gay man lying to his mother. Some adult children may handle it better. I do not know how your adult children reacted. I do not know if they are protective of you. I am concerned with your situation and I will continue to hold a good thought for you now and always.

**Posted by PageTurner** October 3, 2022 12:27 pm

My children are 6 and 3.5 y/o. I am open to trying to tell them but I can't really think of a way to do that that would be age appropriate. They do not know their mother is a lesbian - I'm not sure they would even understand what that means. Either way I need to deal with the trauma that is at the heart of my not wanting to hear about my ex-wife's personal life. It feels unfair to my my young children a party to my issues before I have done all I can to deal with them myself.

**Posted by Blackie563** October 3, 2022 3:00 pm

I have not told my kids and do not plan to do so. I do not want to burden them with her issues of lying, betrayal, etc. If one of my kids happens to be gay, I dont want them thinking this is the acceptable way to handle it. They know I will accept them no matter what, what I will not accept is lying to someone for 23 years.....

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 3, 2022 5:53 pm

PageTurner wrote:
My children are 6 and 3.5 y/o. I am open to trying to tell them but I can't really think of a way to do that that would be age appropriate. They do not know their mother is a lesbian - I'm not sure they would even understand what that means. Either way I need to deal with the trauma that is at the heart of my not wanting to hear about my ex-wife's personal life. It feels unfair to my my young children a party to my issues before I have done all I can to deal with them myself.

I would rather have good dialogue and understanding with my children (if they were young) than leave it to an ex-partner who could be telling them her side of her story and possibly leaving the children with questions they want you to answer. I can't imagine how hard it must be but I believe at their age they will adapt to your explanation when I know you'd do it with care and love

Elle

**Posted by PageTurner** October 4, 2022 8:35 am

MJM017 - Thanks for sharing your experience. So this was EMDR that you tried and would recommend? That's exactly what I want - to take the edge off. I have been in cognitive behavior therapy for a year now and feel like I've hit a wall. At times it feels very superficial, like we're not dealing with the issues at the heart of things. I heard of Family Systems therapy when my ex and I did couples therapy last year but I'm not sure what it is.

**Posted by PageTurner** October 4, 2022 8:39 am

I am open to talking to the kids. Maybe there is a way to do it that doesn't lead to lots of follow up questions, which I don't feel like I am in a position to answer. I will think about it more.

**Posted by Marianne** October 4, 2022 2:45 pm

I've tried EMDR as well... only 3 or 4 sessions so far and I have a lot more to process, so I don't know how much it will help overall. But it seems to work more on the subconscious, emotional level, often revealing hidden things I couldn't process any other way. It's worth a try.

**Posted by PageTurner** October 5, 2022 10:44 am

Thank you MJM017, I appreciate the follow up. I will look into family systems. I am going toggle EMDR a shot.