OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Weird Situation

**Posted by Anon2222** September 30, 2022 9:14 am

I am wondering if anyone else has had this issue....it's bizarre to me and I don't know what to do about it (maybe time will make it easier?)

I don't know how else to describe it but I'm almost afraid of attractive males. For example....tv show and there's some buff guy with his shirt off. I don't think "oh, he's attractive"....I think "would my gay husband find him attractive? Did he lust after the people on tv while I was sitting beside him watching tv? Was he just fantasying away our entire marriage? Did he ever notice me?"

I find I can't even look. I honestly can't see any remotely attractive man without visualizing in my head my husband wanting to have or having sex with him. It's a bloody gay orgy in there...

It is so incredibly off putting. I do not want these thoughts. I feel so messed up as far as sexuality goes that I fear I will never recover.

Anyone have any tips/ideas for this sort of mind fuck? I just want to be like "oh joy, more baggage I'm stuck with" *eye roll*

**Posted by Nauseous and devastated** September 30, 2022 10:39 am

Hi. Yes, I’ve had that situation sort of. For me, my husband was oddly obsessed with this one show and I could not understand why. It’s just a regular network show but he was so obsessed that he bought previous seasons (strange) and made one of the characters name a password for at least one of our financial accounts. After he came out, one of the questions I asked was if his obsession with the show and that character were because of his sexual attraction to the actor portraying the character. He admitted that it was. I cannot even see the name of the show anymore without feeling nauseous. Lots of stupid little things ruined by this whole horrible life altering mess we are now in.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 30, 2022 12:48 pm

Anon2222 wrote:
......Anyone have any tips/ideas for this sort of mind fuck? I just want to be like "oh joy, more baggage I'm stuck with" *eye roll*

Well to begin with always spell the word how you mean it. Capital M. One word. Mindfuck

As for tips on how to stop having your head filled with gay thoughts... it's all about your own self-discipline and being stronger than...
Stronger than thoughts of him, stronger than the pictures you see, stronger than the triggers than flick the switch in your head and send you down a rabbit hole of self-indulgence where you let all that negativity allow you to wallow in all the what ifs and maybes.

It's really hard work but I've managed it and so can you. First of all you have to know your triggers (a barechested man on tv) then you have to force yourself NOT to associate it with the man who turned your life upside down (because he doesn't care so you have to learn not to as well). I started with a mantra I'd say to myself whenever a trigger presented itself.
"it doesn't matter anymore" and every time I had the sick, stomach-churning feeling I'd say it. Because it didn't matter anymore. What happened was no choice of mine. All I could do was build my little wall of self-preservation. Sometimes I think I've built it too high but I'd rather have a wall he can't break down than one he can easily knock down.

The fact is...whether we're still with these men or not....what they've done is hard to forget so surround yourself with thoughts of *you* Anon and learn to leave him in the dusty recesses of your old life

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** October 1, 2022 7:26 am

You are a stronger person than I am. You have been able to stay and live as roommates Elle. I will not tell you to leave. I will not tell you that your room mate doesn't care about you. I will not tell you that your children and pets are not important. I do not have that evil in me to hurt someone I have never met. I will hold a good thought for you know and ever. I hope thar your life is happy for you.

**Posted by Gloria** October 1, 2022 7:28 am

I meant that I will hold a good thought for Elle now and forever.

**Posted by Gloria** October 1, 2022 7:34 am

You are a stronger person than I am. You have been able to stay and live as roommates Elle. I will not tell you to leave. I will not tell you that your room mate doesn't care about you. I will not tell you that your children and pets are not important. I do not have that evil in me to hurt someone I have never met. I will hold a good thought for you know and ever. I hope thar your life is happy for you.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 1, 2022 8:26 am

Anon:
I had a similar reaction. And I hate to say it but you may never completely be free of those thoughts. However, my experience is that it does get better (I'm four and a half years out of the house; almost four years from divorce), because the longer you're away from him, and the more your life takes shape after him, without him, the less reason you will have to think those thoughts, so the less you will think them. (My ex was trans-identified and self-described "lesbian," so in my case the triggers were anything to do with femininity or heterosexual sex.)

I now liken it to when my sister was undergoing cancer treatment, and I had to become familiar with a great many things I never had before--and wished I had never had to learn.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 1, 2022 8:26 am)