OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Parenting Advice and Perspective Needed

**Posted by ReedieTeacher** August 25, 2022 4:14 pm

My ex-spouse came out as non-binary / transgender after 15 years of marriage. In that time he (he has never told me his preferred pronouns, although he has legally changed his name to a clearly feminine name) has increasingly embraced that identity. He dresses like a teenager: low cut tops, bootie shorts, and other things that I consider to be pushing the "appropriate" limit for a 47 year old adult.

We have a 13 year old son and agreed to a 50/50 custody split. This was before, however, my ex began publicly living as a woman, having promised me he would never do anything to embarrass our child. Recently, my ex attended a ComiCon convention, scantily clad and with his girlfriend, and took our son. When I asked my child how he felt about the experience, my son responded that he was OK with it. After I pushed a bit he told me that I am the one with the problem and that kids of his generation are much more open and accepting than people of my generation.

While I recognize that I agreed to an even custody split, believing it was in our child's best interests, I no longer believe my ex-spouse is emotionally mature enough to parent a teenager. My ex-spouse has publicly said how he "fails to see how his behavior impacts other people" and his actions have repeatedly demonstrated this. I am considering asking for a modification of our custody agreement, so that my child spends less time with his father.

Does anyone out there have thoughts? Reflections? Perspectives? I would so appreciate hearing what you have to say.

Thank you!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 25, 2022 5:04 pm

ReedieTeacher wrote:
Does anyone out there have thoughts? Reflections? Perspectives? I would so appreciate hearing what you have to say....

Welcome to our Forum Reedie Personally I think you'd be walking a tightrope when talking about modifying the custodial agreement just because you want your son to spend less time with his father. What does your son want? Do you have a good r'ship with him as in communication? At 13, an important time in a teenagers life, how you react to this could have far-reaching consequences for the bond you have with him

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (August 25, 2022 5:05 pm)

**Posted by Anon2222** August 25, 2022 7:54 pm

I'm with Elle on this one. You don't really have grounds to stand on to change the custody agreement if it's simply because you decided you don't want your son to be with his dad.

It comes down to what does your son want in this. If he is comfortable with his dad the way he is and his dad hasn't done anything to openly harm him, you have to take this into account. Your actions in this will have an impact on your relationship with your son.

Just another way

**Posted by Victo** August 25, 2022 8:46 pm

I am personally disgusted by the amount of pro-LGBTQIA+ propaganda that my daughter is exposed to by her mother and her mother’s lesbian lover. I am triggered when I see the LGBTQIA+ flag hanging in my daughter’s room when I Facetime with her. I am saddened when I hear about how she has already had a bad girlfriend relationship but no boyfriends yet and she is only 12!!! I am disappointed when I hear my daughter disparage her own grandmother when she had trouble understanding the insane pronoun fury battles going on.

But…

Doing anything that might be perceived as anti LGBTQIA+ by my daughter is not going to help the situation.

My GIDX narcissist abuser totally sucks and the programming job she has done on my daughter is incredibly awful. The gift from hell that keeps on giving.

As a result, the harder I fight it, the more likely I will alienate my daughter. I refuse to alienate my daughter. She’s not stupid. She knows deep down how fucked up my GIDX narcissist abuser (ie her mom) actually is. Best thing I can do is create a safe space from all of it.

**Posted by Anon2222** August 25, 2022 9:03 pm

I agree Victo. Sadly, there's not much we can do in these situations. In my case, I have found that I am very guarded about what I say to certain people....for fear of the judgement I will receive. I am not homophobic but there are behaviours/actions of the group that I do not agree with...and that seems to be a very unpolitically correct view to have currently.

I do not have children, and a part of me is glad for that as I look at what our world currently is. I worry about how influenced children are now about sexuality and just how much confusion/screwed up marriages are going to result. I'm no expert though, so I guess who am I to say...

**Posted by firefly** August 25, 2022 9:14 pm

Hi Reedie. You can only control what happens at your house. I would focus on continuing to be a parent who is emotionally mature, consistent, and safe. Your son has to figure out his own relationship with your ex-spouse. Any attempt by you to control it could backfire. Does your son have a therapist? He may need a neutral space to process all of this as he gets older. If you begin to notice decisions from your ex-spouse that relate to the health and safety of your son that are concerning to you, start documenting them. I am sure this is all quite difficult. It is not fair. To say that co-parenting can be difficult is a gross understatement.

**Posted by Rob** August 26, 2022 6:53 am

Reedie

I echo Victo's post.. Best to just give your kid a consistent loving experience at your house.

13 and at a comic con convention...any parent can dress as a character or weird.
When he's 15 and dad picks him up in front of his friends in a skirt..he may ask you for pickup more.. teenagers...

**Posted by ReedieTeacher** August 26, 2022 2:03 pm

Thank you all for your honest responses. In my heart I know you are right - it just feels so unfair to our child! I wish I had thought longer and fought harder when we were working on custody; I also recognize that creating a nasty custody situation now could have a far more negative effect on our child than his father's behavior. I hate feeling / being so powerless.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your calming words,
Reedie

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** August 26, 2022 2:45 pm

ReedieTeacher wrote:
.....I hate feeling / being so powerless......

You're not powerless. You may need to change tact and start being more interested in the time your son spends with his father as a means to gauging how he feels and what he thinks by asking questions like "how did that make you feel?"

Always give him a soft place to fall. In the end... That will be powerful

Elle

**Posted by walkbymyself** August 29, 2022 9:26 am

I'm in agreement here with everyone else. I worry that any action on your part could backfire if your son resents it. It's not worth alienating your son over.