Posted by Anon2222  August 19, 2022 7:39 pm | #1 |
Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. And what was once my favorite day of the year (I am a hopeless romantic).
I had planned a 4 day romantic mountain retreat as a surprise. Took vacation time. Booked a pet sitter. Splurged on the romantic "couples" themed packages.
That weekend, after I had it all planned....he came out as gay and said he wants a divorce.
He always complained we never went anywhere because of the dogs. I tried to plan a trip to Hawaii 2 years ago but it never happened. I tried a skiing trip. He didn't feel like it. Talked about Mexico and got nothing. So, I decided that we were both burned out so I was just going to plan it. We both needed a vacation!
What did I do instead. Just finished my 4th 12 hour shift of the week. Crap day so I stopped and bought a toy for each of the dogs to cheer myself up. Currently sitting on the couch in my pajamas eating calamari and looking at cats for adoption.
I've wanted a cat since 2013. He didn't. We never got a cat. Now I'm debating if it's insanity to adopt a cat at this point in time....when my life is an utter disaster. My plan tomorrow is to eat junk food.
Just once I wanted the movies. The romance, the surprise, someone to look at me as if I was the only person in the world. Guess it's never gonna happen now....
Last edited by Anon2222 (August 19, 2022 7:41 pm)
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz August 19, 2022 10:36 pm | #2 |
Anon2222 wrote:
......Just once I wanted the movies. The romance, the surprise, someone to look at me as if I was the only person in the world. Guess it's never gonna happen now....
You're only allowed to feel sorry for yourself 3 times tomorrow, each time for an hour (use the timer on your phone) but you're not allowed to eat crap food during the sad hours because you don't want food to have a connection with being depressed. When the hour's up you must switch your sadness off! and go for a long walk or play with the dogs, or watch movies (NOT sad ones) and eat what the hell you like. Call somebody....several somebody's even ....and let them know you're feeling down. Invite a friend round for dinner.
Be stronger than the memory 'hugs'
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Victo August 20, 2022 9:45 am | #3 |
That is more of Elle’s patented tough love.
While noting that on one level it completely sucks, there is something completely comforting to junk food, ice cream, bingeing shows, and collecting cats.
If that is what your soul needs right now because you are not getting the ‘happily ever after’ you expected and were likely promised, then go for it. Get a cat. Eat a bucket of ice cream.
But Elle is right about this:
You do have SOME control in this situation. No. Not full control. That ship sailed when you married another human being. There are any number of ways your life partnership could have soured. The fact that it went the way it did is maddening because it SEEMED like it was real but it wasn’t.
Nevertheless, it is up to you to at first find small ways to persist. Over time, you’ll hopefully also find the bigger ways.
In other words, focus entirely on yourself. After soo many years with a GID narcissist type, it will not be easy. But imagine a life where you thrive and prosper because your life is arranged for you to thrive and prosper and not for him to further let you down in any way. It could be potentially great!
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Posted by Blackie563 August 20, 2022 2:23 pm | #4 |
That weekend, after I had it all planned....he came out as gay and said he wants a divorce.
I am sorry to hear this Anon. While I am going through a similar situation with my wife, I understand every situation is its own journey. I can empathize with the feelings of betrayal, pain, grief of the loss of what you thought you had. In my opinion, and Im not expert, I about 2 weeks in from finding out the news that we wife has feelings for another woman, it will be up and down, even if you knew something has missing before. Some days I'm pretty good, actually. Other days, like today, I just start weeping at the slightest trigger.
I don't think there is an easy way through this. If his decision is final, take solace that you know what is going to happen, now its time to go through the phases of what comes next, there is no uncertainty. If there is a chance, while thats can be good, it means limbo for awhile and I can tell you first hand, that limbo is absolutely awful.
Either way, I wish you the best. I am happy to share whatever I can. Ive been married for 19 years (23 together) which is half my life. Devastated doesn't begin to describe it. I'm happy to listen.
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Posted by Anon2222 August 20, 2022 3:02 pm | #5 |
Thanks for the responses.
Blackie I have also been married/together with my gay husband for half my life. He came out as bi 2.5 years ago and we both agreed to do everything we needed to do to stay together. That we both wanted this to work. Turns out I was the one putting the work in, and he was planning his exit. It was a hellish rollercoaster for me and we even talked about coming out of this stronger than ever before.
That was until he sat down beside me, said I'm gay and I want a divorce. Literally. I had no idea it was coming. He never once brought up struggling. After he came out as bi he stated he still loved me and found me just as attractive as ever and was for sure attracted to women still. It was actually the condition I put on staying....that he went to counselling, and took all the time he needed to sort out his sexual orientation and not recommit to the marriage unless he had it figured out. I told him flat out, under no circumstances, that I would be able to go through this again (the bi thing also involved no warning, no heads up, nothing....just sat down beside me and said it). He promised that if there was any doubts, any anything, he would share it with me and we would figure it out together *eye roll*
As for today, it's going. I've decided to go out shopping and then have supper. Gonna take the entire day off from doing anything productive and just enjoy a day.
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Posted by Victo August 20, 2022 8:01 pm | #6 |
Happy anniversary, Anon. Hang in there!
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz August 20, 2022 8:41 pm | #7 |
Happy new life Anon 🌄 May it be free of cheats, gaslighters and liars. May your days be filled with light, warmth and people who know the value of friendship
I believe you will get through this. I believe you are stronger than you think
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Anon2222 August 20, 2022 10:30 pm | #8 |
Y'all be proud of me folks. I only had one break down today. So, all things considered pretty good.
Instead of sitting on the couch all day....I went out shopping and got in 8,000 steps. I also bought myself a bunch of new clothes and some random pumpkin spice smelling items (it's that most wonderful time of the year again!) I didn't even stuff myself with junk all day.
I'm struggling a bit now. I find evenings the hardest. But. I survived the day. My first "Un-Anniversary".
I think I'm 2 months into the mind fuck now. Funnily enough, I can't even remember and have no idea how much time has passed.
Tomorrow we're gonna work on the house some more. Trying to get all the renos done before he moves out in a few weeks. Still feel like I'm in the twilight zone, but taking it one day at a time.
I hope everyone else is having a half decent Saturday and that you all also get a breather from the hell that is this
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Posted by Gloria August 21, 2022 7:15 am | #9 |
Anon2222, I wish you all the best
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Posted by OutofHisCloset August 21, 2022 9:57 am | #10 |
I don't want to hijack your thread, but today is what would have been my 40th wedding anniversary. My now-ex dropped his trans bomb after we'd been married 32 years. On the date of my 35th anniversary, I told myself it was the last one. By the date of the 36th, I was still married, but I'd moved out. I say "my" and "I was still married" and not "our" and "we were still married" because by then there was no "our" or "we." There had in fact been no "we" for a long time before that, even before my then husband's announcement that he was "a woman in a man's body," because, as will come as no surprise to others of you who have lived with closeted or in denial spouses, his secret and the work of keeping it had prevented him right from the beginning of our marriage from fully committing to me. He was simply never available to be my partner.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 21, 2022 9:58 am)
