Posted by Ninjamom  August 14, 2022 10:13 am | #1 |
Hello all, I am struggling and am so glad to find myself not alone.
I accidentally found out that my husband of a decade is “not straight.” I frame it that way because of months of trickle truths, that a few days ago he decided that he is closer to the gay end of the spectrum. I have been nothing but supportive since I found out. But he is so far in the closet that he has no intention of coming out - but is also trying to do everything in his power to get me to end our marriage, so he gets to say that I ended things…
How things have played out in the last (almost) year:
I found him on a gay hookup site, he said he was just fantasizing
He told me that he was bi-curious
He told me he had some same sex experiences before we were together
We were moving from a rural to urban area, he had planned to hookup with men as a hobby, to replace giving up his rural lifestyle, but once I knew, he agreed not to pursue it
we tried to find ways to help him explore within the confines of our relationship: porn together, pegging, he tried cross dressing…
He asked me to open our marriage, and I did some research and work on seeing how I would feel. Ultimately, that is not for me, and he blamed me for denying him who he is, so he “stopped being bi” - everything stopped. No sex, no conversation, no connection
He tells me that he feels more gay, so I tell him that he should go away and explore it (the going away part is so he can be free to do it without fear of being caught by people he doesn’t want to find out), and he accused me of trying to get him to abandon his family
He no longer gives me gifts, picks constant fights over the littlest thing, and when he is home, he sits (literally) with his back to me in the next room until I give up trying to connect, and just go to bed. But when he is at work, he texts me all day to have regular conversations
I know that he wants me to end it, but why should I? When all of this came out, we agreed to communicate and work through things together. He seems to have given up, and harps on me being negative, but is always picking at me. He has completely stopped communicating with my daughter, who lives with us and he has treated as his own until the last few months, and completely loses his mind when I interact with my ex husband and his family. I gave him concert tickets for our anniversary - he forgot the date, gave me nothing, but bought himself a pair of new gloves the next day.
we have a child under ten together, have had an exceptionally difficult time with other issues since the beginning of the pandemic, and I stood by his side with no questions. But when have I given enough, when he seems so focused on tearing me down and making me into the bad guy here? I don’t believe that he will ever come out to his family, so the end of our marriage would automatically be placed on my shoulders (because he is so easygoing to the rest of the world, and a “real man” who presents as very homophobic “because it’s how he was raised.”)
I’ve been reading some posts, and see so many of the same themes here, and never imagined there was a whole community of people who are in the same situation.
thanks for reading, and good luck to everyone here. I hope your journeys lead you where you want to be. Sounds like we all have a tough road ahead…
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Posted by Blackie563 August 14, 2022 10:31 am | #2 |
Ninjamom wrote:
I’ve been reading some posts, and see so many of the same themes here, and never imagined there was a whole community of people who are in the same situation.…
This has been my realization over the past week. First, let me say I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds like it has been building for some time now and the hurt and pain come through your words.
My situation has some similarities, but mostly my wife tells me she never has had any same sex experiences or feelings. This is all relatively new. I am 1 week into finding out and things are still very raw and emotional for me.
I will tell you what others told me. If you can, find a therapist to talk with. Try not to make any quick decisions and focus on your well being. It seems as if he is looking to put this on you and that is both, unfair and unwarranted. People can not help who they are, but you did nothing wrong either. Remember that, this isn't your fault. This is coming from someone whose wife tells me I was/am the perfect husband, I still struggle to shake the feeling there wasnt something I couldn't have done differently.
Like anything in life, the storm will pass, but storms can last for a minute, an hour, or even a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. My hope for you, is that something else is love and peace, which you absolutely deserve.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset August 14, 2022 11:14 am | #3 |
I will venture to say that the reason he is pushing for you to end it is related to his being "so far in the closet that he has no intention of coming out."
To come out of the closet requires courage and forthrightness about who he is, and the willingness to declare who he is, despite the fallout (either real or imagined).
He doesn't have any intention of coming out, which means he is not willing to be honest about himself in the world. He plans to continue to live the life he always has, enjoy whatever benefits of being straight he currently enjoys (like with his family), and enjoy a homosexual life under the radar.
Declaring he wants a divorce is tantamount to making a public statement about his sexuality, which he is unwilling to do. He wants a divorce, but he doesn't want to have to be the one to end it.
I say all this from my own experience with my ex.
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Posted by Gloria August 14, 2022 11:55 am | #4 |
I am ready to share parts of my story and I do hope that I am in the right section. I am super sensitive, so if you must abuse me, please think before you type. Almost 12 years ago, I started dating a man who was 12 years older than me. He is a retired college professor and a published author. He was somewhat eccentric. He is also a historian. He lived in an older home with antiques and china that was over a 100 years old. This man was very kind to me and my two pet children. His wife was deceased and they did not have children. He had always wanted to be a father. Three years ago, a young man in his 20's moved in across the street from my friend. My friend gave him a job. My friend was having some health issues also. This younger man was with us a lot. I truly thought that my friend thought of him as a son. He helped him enroll in school on the GI bill. My friend had two homes. One was his vacation home and the younger man worked at both homes for him. A little over two years ago, we all three went to the vacation home. When we walked in that night, the air conditioner had stopped working. It was too late to call a repairman and we cooled the house down by using fans and opening the windows. This home has a screened in porch. My friend asked me if I wanted to sleep on the porch and I said no. The young man was going to sleep out there-there is a bed on the porch. My friend told him that if he got hot during the night he would join him. The younger man said that he would move onto the swing on the porch if that happened. My friend fell asleep before me. I read a while and turned out the light. When I woke up the next morning, My friend was not in the bed. I walked to the back porch and he was in bed with the younger man. The younger man was asleep facing the wall and my friend was on the other side of the bed awake. This was all during Covid. The only clue I had before this was when another friend told me that my friend had made a verbal pass at him and I found out that right before the Covid lockdown. This is part of my story and I hope to share more.
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Posted by Ninjamom August 14, 2022 3:59 pm | #5 |
Try not to make any quick decisions and focus on your well being.
Like anything in life, the storm will pass, but storms can last for a minute, an hour, or even a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. My hope for you, is that something else is love and peace, which you absolutely deserve.
Thank you!
I have known since November, as we were in the middle of moving hundreds of miles, dealing with a work crisis, and trying to navigate both selling and buying a home. I, too, have run the gamut of emotions, and still do sometimes, but this last month I’ve seen such anger and insistence that I am always wrong, that it feels as if some invisible tide has turned. I wish I could explain it. He says that he has been faithful, because I insisted him having hookups would be a deal breaker for me. Maybe that has changed for him?
I hope that you and your partner navigate your situation with grace and peace.
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Posted by Ninjamom August 14, 2022 4:05 pm | #6 |
Declaring he wants a divorce is tantamount to making a public statement about his sexuality, which he is unwilling to do. He wants a divorce, but he doesn't want to have to be the one to end it.
I say all this from my own experience with my ex.
Thank you! I think that you are right here, and he may feel that he has to either defame me, or come up with some plausible reason that we would split that didn’t involve sexuality. It’s easier for him if I’m the awful witch who kicks him out, and he can be the easygoing guy who got his life ruined by a hateful woman.
I am sorry that there are so many of us in the same sort of situation, and I hope that you and your ex are happy in your new lives.
