Posted by Jo171  July 3, 2022 7:01 am | #1 |
A am new to this support group.I knew my husband was gay before we married. He was my first boyfriend. We broke up when we were 19 years old.We stayed friends and realized that we loved each other. Sex was not a problem, in fact in was really good. He seemed very happy and content and he did not need sex with men. We have been married for 37 years, I am 68 years old. In the beginning everything was fine. We have three adult children. As time passes I realized that he was having sex with random men. He would come home late from work. At times he was distant and sex was less and less. He always had an excuse. I stayed because we had three children and he is a good Dad, in fact he is a good husband.I always thought that when the kids finished college I would leave. That did not happen, but I did confront him. I told him I always knew .He did not want to separate, he says he loves me and does not want an emotional relationship with men. He is sexually attracted to men, he is not emotionally attracted. Over the last several years too many incidents have occurred. Sex has become a problem. He has tried very hard to make this work but he says he can not go longer than 6 months without sex with a man. He has a hard time having sex with me. I am so hurt. I do not have an issue with him needing to have sex with a man. I just do not know what happen to us. I still do not understand who he is. He loves me, wants the family yet, he wants sex with men. I told him he can never love all of me. It's so hard. I just do not know what to do.
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Posted by Gloria July 3, 2022 7:53 am | #2 |
I am so very sorry that you find yourself in a place that no one wants to be. If you can afford therapy it may help. Whatever you decide, I respect your decision and you. I am holding a good thought for you.
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Posted by Jo171 July 3, 2022 7:56 am | #3 |
Thank you for you support. It means a lot to be heard.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz July 3, 2022 2:32 pm | #4 |
Jo171 wrote:
Thank you for you support. It means a lot to be heard.
Jo... have you read the First Aid Kit? It's pinned at the top of the General Board.
The Forum is the best place at the beginning of trying to sort all this out. Keep reading and asking questions here 
One of the...if not THE most important thing about this is that you do not carry this pain and confusion inside yourself, and you must have somebody (other than the man you married) to talk to, confide in who will keep your confidence. A good friend, a strong family member, a counselor. This is to save you, to protect
you Jo, to give you somewhere safe to tell your story
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Agl03 July 3, 2022 11:42 pm | #5 |
So sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I feel your pain on a lot of levels. My husband of 19 years told me he was gay a few months ago (he has known he was gay for at least 10 years but I've heard him say up to 20 to others). But before that confession it had been nearly 11 years since we'd had sex, basically when we conceived our last child. I fully blamed it on myself. Because it started after the birth and complications I had with our last baby I thought he was repulsed by me because the the weight gain of kids and months on bed rest. Or the numerous scars that cover by body from surgeries, or he just hate how sick I'd been. And god I TRIED to initiate things the first two years. Lingere, making sure we had time alone, new things, reading articles, suggesting he go to the doctor because "getting going' was an issue for him. After so many attempts failing my self esteem was garbage. My husband was not sexually aroused or attracted to me and didn't seem to care enough to do anything about it. So I gave up and accepted we would have a sexless marriage.
For him he thinks his confession of being gay was supposed to make me feel better about the no intimacy things. The whole its not you its me thing. And it doesn't make it any better. This is a person I love, my husband, I wanted an intimate relationship with him, I wanted to feel loved, wanted, and cherished...and that is all gone, confirmed it was never coming back, and the crushing reality that he hadn't loved me as I loved him for who knows how long. He let me blame myself for over a decade.
Now with his revelation I don't want him sexually anymore and we are on our way to separation/divorce. I don't know what if anything he's done with others and I know he only loves me as a friend. Not his wife. I deserve to have someone who loves me, all of me, that loves and cherishes me. Not someone who sees me as a good mother, comfortable to live with and a room mate.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. Because his actions do hurt you in many ways. I echo the others and encourage some help in counseling. I was lucky enough to already be established with one when this all happened. and have upped my appointments.
Where you go from here is up to you. Talk it over with a counselor and if there are others you trust in your life that my help as well. Give yourself grace and time to let things sink in. When the bomb first dropped I was all about keeping the status quote and now I am ready to blaze a new trail.
I know the fear of being without someone who has been part of your life for so long and is a good provider and father. But for me it comes down to both of us deserve to be with who we love and who makes us happy. I am also well aware that in my situation that I can not move on until our separation is fully complete (this is in the event I need to take things to court when it comes to support and custody issues). Though he's off chasing his prospects. I am fully preparing that he'll make the jump before other things are ready to go since he is actively acting on his feelings.
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Posted by Jo171 July 5, 2022 3:17 pm | #6 |
Yes, I agree. I am terrified. But, we both deserve to be happy, if that is at all possible. We had a good talk yesterday. We need to keep talking so that we know exactly how we feel and what we want. It is painful to speak the truth and hear the truth. Sad part it's not about love. We grow up thinking that when you find love your world can conquer anything. So not true. I think it makes it more complicated.
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Posted by Agl03 July 5, 2022 4:42 pm | #7 |
Yes, I agree. I am terrified. But, we both deserve to be happy, if that is at all possible. We had a good talk yesterday. We need to keep talking so that we know exactly how we feel and what we want. It is painful to speak the truth and hear the truth. Sad part it's not about love. We grow up thinking that when you find love your world can conquer anything. So not true. I think it makes it more complicated.
The truth hurts so much more than his lies do. The lies covered the truth he feels and has been feeling for a long time.
Hang in there and we are here.
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Posted by Jo171 July 7, 2022 12:16 pm | #8 |
I've been reading many posts. So many are filled with pain, hurt, disappointment. I am all of those things. I keep wondering what he will tell me. So hard to understand why he stayed all these years, 37 soon to be 38. Was I/ am I his cover story? On Sunday we had a good talk. I mentioned an open relationship, he got so excited. I am not that person. I gave him his freedom. I told him he is free to do whatever, no questions asked. Yet he was not sure that it what he wants. He said " it's like you gave me a hall pass". He was even confused by this, he is not sure that is what he wants. So I said, is it the thrill of cheating and he said yes to some extent. He is not sure he can have a sexual relationship with me anymore. I keep going over all the years. We had some really good times, some bad, but it is life. Don't know how to live with him, don't know how to live without him.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz July 7, 2022 3:23 pm | #9 |
My comments in red
I've been reading many posts. So many are filled with pain, hurt, disappointment. I am all of those things. I keep wondering what he will tell me. So hard to understand why he stayed all these years, 37 soon to be 38. Was I/ am I his cover story? I found it far better/easier when I let go of all the questions I had when it was obvious he'd kept his feelings secret for so long. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn. To not react, not ask questions because no matter how many I asked I never quite believed the answers I got.
On Sunday we had a good talk. Did you both have the talk or did you talk and he listened?
I mentioned an open relationship, he got so excited. Think deeply and carefully about an open r'ship. Once you agree to it you can never go back.
I am not that person. I gave him his freedom. I told him he is free to do whatever, no questions asked. Yet he was not sure that it what he wants. He said " it's like you gave me a hall pass". He was even confused by this, he is not sure that is what he wants. Omg! They want our love, they want our support, they want our "yes go be gay" but still want us to be concerned when they're unsure! Keep him confused. He's waiting for you to want him to explore and show him you want him to be happy.
So I said, is it the thrill of cheating and he said yes to some extent. He is not sure he can have a sexual relationship with me anymore. I keep going over all the years. We had some really good times, some bad, but it is life. Don't know how to live with him, don't know how to live without him. Decide your boundaries, stay true to the values you want to live your life by, and if you can't live your life without him (yet) start living it on your terms while you start detaching yourself from the couple you were..
Elle
Edited to say....it took me 3 years to decide I no longer wanted this man sexually but once I made that decision
it was irreversible
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 7, 2022 3:28 pm)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily July 7, 2022 6:02 pm | #10 |
He loves you but enjoys the thrill of cheating you? what sort of a love are we talking about here?
sorry Jo but my suggestion if at all possible is to take a holiday without him, maybe some family you could visit? this would give you a chance to evaluate your marriage from outside it.
