OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Just hoping for a little guidance

**Posted by Daryl** May 26, 2022 7:37 pm

daseal21 wrote:
To her credit, she has definitely been encouraging me to talk to others and get counseling.

Is this genuine concern for your well-being? Assuaging some guilt over making a mess of your life? Removing a hurdle in her path to a new life? We often don't want to assign anything but the most honourable motives to our spouses, but that might be because it's what we would do. For some of us, that might be our Achilles heel. You mentioned in the first post that she can't see a marriage where you have a physical relationship. Of course that's not everything to a marriage, but what do you have left without it, other than a biological link to children? Combine that with encouraging you to find someone to talk to (not her), is that not a sign of emotional decoupling? I have to be honest here and suggest you remain open-eyed and listen to what the message might really be?

I don't believe that most women don't know their sexuality until they are older. I'd like to see the reputable study that forms the basis of this conclusion. Perhaps what is really happening is denial until after procreation and the realization that time will eventually run out for us tears down that wall they built around it?

You're also not her therapist or mentor. She is an adult. You do not have to gently cushion and guide her like a child who just threw a tantrum in the mall and is upset from something completely different than the reason for the tantrum. If she were actively trying to work with you to save the marriage, that would be a different situation where I would say far more mutual counseling might be warranted. I might be wrong, but it sounds like she is not interested in this. You need to keep yourself healthy for your kids.

I do agree that neither of you should be hasty, but be mutually honest. For me, I'd rather be wounded by the truth than by deceptions and false hopes.

**Posted by Dutchman** May 27, 2022 9:15 am

Daryl wrote:
I don't believe that most women don't know their sexuality until they are older. I'd like to see the reputable study that forms the basis of this conclusion.

I don't believe that either, and sure hope I didn't gave that impression.
But it's something that applies to a certain percentage of (lesbian)women. My guess it's about 15% of lesbians that really discovers and acknowledges their sexual orientation later in life. But I don't know a study that has measured it, It could be that Lisa Diamond has published something about this statistic (?).

Perhaps what is really happening is denial until after procreation and the realization that time will eventually run out for us tears down that wall they built around it?

I suppose that's one of the many reasons. Another is heteronormativity. But I think there are numerous reasons for it and it's not warranted to exhort one explanation.

The reactions of the wife of topic starter are not constructive for a continuation of a succesful relation. So much is clear. But it's also very fresh, and the possibility she hasn't thought things through is very likely. Maybe she's acting on what she thinks she should do (based on nothing else than general assumptions or some stupid youtube thing), who knows? It all sounds to me like she came accross some limited info or some LGBT friends advice, thinking that was the designated path one should follow.

It's one week after she came out as lesbian. This is much too soon to draw conclusions. I agree with what you said: "don't be hasty". Rushing to a therapist is also a bit early in this stage. There are much more talks needed to get some solid clarity first. There are so many paths and options not discussed or even considered.

**Posted by Agl03** May 29, 2022 12:52 am

Also be on the lookout for her to do a "wait what, not like that" kind of thing. My husband encouraged the therapy and talking to others. But then I began emotionally and physically uncoupling (moving him to the MIL suite) and he's not liking it at all.

**Posted by lostman** May 29, 2022 11:36 am

daseal21 wrote:
One week ago, my wife of eight years (and mother to my children, ages 4 and 2) shared with me that she has come to the realization she is, in fact, gay. While I had hoped for at least a bisexual orientation, she is very certain in her feelings. She can't see a marriage where we have a physical relationship anymore, and I can't see one where we don't. So I am coming to the very sad realization that our marriage is over. We have so much to figure out.....kids, finances, living situation, etc....i just feel so very paralyzed. How do I even begin to move forward from here? I'm trying to get set up with a therapist, but its taking a bit longer than I had hoped to find one with an opening). I know there are no answers, but any insight or encouragement is welcome.

Simple advice. Cut her out of your with ASAP. Don't coddle her don't support her send her packing. It's going to hurt but you have a life to live and as soon as you cut her out of it then you can start healing. She probably has a girlfriend so suggest she move in with her. The kids stay with you. Then divorce her as soon as possible. It's her decision and deception. Let her wear it and move on. Next.

**Posted by Sonnet61** December 9, 2022 3:01 pm

daseal21 wrote:
Man, human emotions are a complex mess aren't they?

Yup. @daseal21 - how are you doing? I just found this forum and your story sounds exactly like mine (except I'm 10 years older - our kids are 10 years older - and we've been married for 10 more years than you). My wife came to me out of the blue just over 4 years ago. Right before our 15th wedding anniversary. I was caught completely off guard. Absolutely no clue.

We're still together, but it's not a marriage. It's friends raising a family. I found this forum because I really feel like I need support. I'm hoping to connect with others hear who can at least understand this profound and unique pain.

**Posted by True** December 10, 2022 3:51 pm

Blessings to you. 💫