OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I need success stories of marriages that last with transgender spouse

**Posted by bastion** May 9, 2022 8:01 am

My husband of 24 years told me a month ago that he has gender dysphoria (since he was 7 or 8) and is really a woman. On one hand, I understand why he didn't tell me when we were dating and getting married back in the 90s. On the other, shock, betrayal, and anger don't seem quite strong enough to cover how I feel. All the little lies he told to cover up such a big lie. All that said, I want to try to stay together. At least right now. Other than the lie, he has been a wonderful partner and a huge support. Can you tell me your success stories if you stayed with your transgender spouse? Any tips and tricks that worked for you?

(Using he/him per his request because he is not out)

**Posted by BOFA** May 16, 2022 10:46 am

Hi @bastion - my heart goes out to you. I am new here, and am also looking for the same thing -- to hear of successful futures.

I think that very few stories like this are told because those couples who are successful are successful in part because they are very privately doing their careful, caring, growing, discovering work together. So take heart - stories do exist, yet you will only learn of a small handful. But your acceptance and love toward your spouse will support your ability to see one another through to the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually, you may be able to tell your own story.

I hope that my story is one in the making. Time will tell, and it is hard. So hard. To watch them suffer, and to support them no matter what. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but you are not alone.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** May 16, 2022 12:03 pm

I divorced my trans-identified husband so I haven't said anything. However, with BOFA's posting, I am now, because in reality, the stories that make the media are those of "success," if by success you mean that the wife remakes herself to accommodate her husband-turned-wife.

If you're only looking for support to make it work, post in the MOM section. Go to Reddit, which is a hotbed of trans activism. Read "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd. Or do a Google search for "My trans husband." You'll get a lot of positive stories.

**Posted by lily** May 16, 2022 2:41 pm

It seems a bit um reality-challenged to ask for success stories rather than attempting to make an honest accurate appraisal of what you can expect with a transgender husband.

Here's an experiment you can try which should help give you an idea of what you are facing - try saying no. No to whatever it is he wants right now, whether it be to wear lipstick when at home or help himself to your underwear. Don't try and defend it, just say no, not happy with the lipstick or whatever it is, and see what happens.

**Posted by Grace1958** May 18, 2022 4:08 am

I am pretty much where you are. While I've applied for low income senior ADA housing,it will be a min of 18 months now before something is available. Then I need to decide whether to live alone, poor, disabled the rest of my life, or live in relatve comfort with small luxuries like cable tv and movies and stay with my female-at-home partner.
Part of me wants to run. The sensible part says why should I live in poverty when there's enough space for me to have my own room here? The logistics are the hard part. Am I talking to him or her? They say both are there and gender shouldn't matter but I am having a very difficult time with that concept.
I can say that allowing myself to mourn the marriage I thought I had helped a bit in accepting what is a new normal.
If you can afford it couples therapy might help.
Honestly though if I was in a better health/financial situation I'd be long gone.
Reality makes for strange bedfellows...

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** **Online!** May 18, 2022 1:48 pm

Grace1958 wrote:
........Honestly though if I was in a better health/financial situation I'd be long gone.
Reality makes for strange bedfellows...

I kinda feel if I was in a better headspace I'd be long gone too!
The last 5 years have beaten (literally not physically!) the momentum I might have had to leave if I had stayed as angry about all this as I was. The pandemic and the change it's had on the whole world means I'm not about to lose the advantages I've gained in this r'ship. I've used my head more than my heart in my decisions and realized I may have to compromise. My partner too. We've both lost out after all.

Elle

**Posted by lily** May 18, 2022 1:56 pm

um Elle, he might be leading exactly the life he wants to lead.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** **Online!** May 19, 2022 1:59 pm

lily wrote:
um Elle, he might be leading exactly the life he wants to lead.

Indeed Lily... but I'm not ever going to know if that's true because I'm not asking any questions

**Posted by Grace1958** May 23, 2022 6:19 am

lily wrote:
um Elle, he might be leading exactly the life he wants to lead.

This is quite possible. I asked him how he was doing with the whole thing recently with the changes in our relationship and he said "I've never been happier in my life". Well sure. He/they get to be whatever they want and I'm still the wife taking care of everything around the house, finances, doctors, extended family.
Starting therapy again tomorrow because it's so stinking confusing to think that I can stay and keep doing what I have been doing with relative security and help...or I can leave because it pisses me off that he gets to be and do whatever he wants and I am the one who feels trapped. Instinctively I'm the type who is happy when others are happy but my level of trust was never good (childhood sexual abuse) and now I wouldn't trust any man fully ever again. I'm always going to be waiting for the "gay" shoe to drop.
I don't think anyone can get through this process, stay or go, without some therapy. It's all too confusing emotionally.

**Posted by Rob** May 23, 2022 7:18 am

Grace,

Yes they are usually doing great oblivious to the destruction around them. We're in therapy, the kids are in therapy, the dog is in therapy..

For me..it's that oblivousness and indifference that scared me more than the gay. Best to recognize it and learn that that is who and what they are.