OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My husband came out as and asked to have a sexting group with not me

**Posted by Tink55** April 25, 2022 8:10 am

My husband recently came out to me as bisexual which bothers me not at. The issue is that he and some of his friends (who have asked him and not me to join them in group sex) want to start up a text based game of D&D where they plan to roleplay their characters having sex with each other. He dropped this on my lap on a bad day for my depression. I said no, we discussed before we were married (almost 6 years ago) that once we were married there would be no other people in our sex life. Not that there was before but I offered and he opted not to. Now his friends are basically telling me that I’m a controlling bitch for not letting him explore his recently discovered bisexuality. But I’ve had issues with unfaithful partners in the past and every time he talks to me about this he reaffirms that he loves me but always follows it with how unhappy he is with things. Am I wrong to be upset? We are looking into therapy and trying to spend more time together but he is generally negative about any suggestions I make to get him off his computer and into spending time together.

**Posted by HopelessRomantic** April 25, 2022 10:33 am

No. You are 100% in the right. Cheating is cheating. Being Bi doesn’t give him a free pass. If you don’t want to share, don’t. If he really loves you, he’ll respect your wishes. If not, good riddance.

**Posted by Grace1958** April 25, 2022 5:37 pm

Such nonsense from the friends. It does not matter what gender he wants to cheat with, it's still outside the bounds of your commitment. I mean, using that logic, if you were a slim redhead and he had a hankering for a plus size brunette, it would be something different as well. As far as getting him off the computer, good luck. If you figure that one out clue me in, mine is on it whenever he's not at work or sleeping.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 25, 2022 8:05 pm

Tink... Hey 😌 welcome to the Forum.

No two people in an intimate r'ship will ever be the same all the way through it, for however long it lasts. And actually nor should they, when lives stand still they tend to stagnate. But what you have to do is see yourself as the important one in this particular case because your husband is obviously already thinking about this, if not already doing it.

If you don't want this in your life....then that's your starting point. Your decision to not want him to involve himself with this group has priority.

Do you have anybody you can talk to who will keep your confidence...a good friend, a family member?

While

**Posted by Rob** April 26, 2022 11:37 am

Tink55,

Welcome,

I was not called a controlling bitch but when I asked my GX not to see her girlfriend she said I didn't want her to have friends. I explained how I was not sleeping with my friends.

It never ceases to amaze me what these spouses will do to rationalize their wrong morality. Marriage comes with boundaries.. and consequences if one steps outside those boundaries. They knew this when marrying us and to say the rules have changed (for them but not us) is the same as saying the marriage vows were not true.

They can't have it both ways..all the benefits of marriage but none of the rules.

Wishing you strength and fortitude.

Last edited by Rob (April 26, 2022 11:37 am)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 26, 2022 1:36 pm

Grace1958 wrote:
........It does not matter what gender he wants to cheat with, it's still outside the bounds of your commitment. .....

Commitment is the last thing on Tink's husband's mind. Gay/bisexual men think differently and I bet the commitment he made to Tinks won't even factor in his mind.

Tinks.... are you still intimate with your husband?

Elle

**Posted by walkbymyself** April 28, 2022 3:33 pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Welcome.

So his friends think you're being a controlling bitch for not "letting him explore his recently discovered bisexuality"???? That sounds pretty manipulative, to me. That sounds like a pathetic variation on the tired old theme of "some guys will say or do absolutely anything, no matter how cruel or harsh, no matter who gets hurt, if they think it will get them laid."

So many of us here are made to feel as if there's something WE need to apologize for, expecting our spouses to simply live up to the promises they made to us when we married. If you don't owe your husband an explanation, you certainly don't owe any explanations to his friends.

**Posted by witty_response** May 6, 2022 3:14 pm

Tink 55: Wow. Just..wow. As I am sure many have said already, I am sorry this is happening. He is completely in the wrong and you are completely in the right. You are not a "controlling bitch" for having those boundaries and expectations. This was not something he disclosed before marriage and you shouldn't have to put up with it. The newly discovered "bisexuality" is most likely only one small step out of a larger closet. Unfortunately, the next step will most likely be him realizing he is gay. Role playing is dangerous because there he can be truly himself via a lie (fantasy) vs being in genuine world living a lie. I experienced the same with my wife, and she wants to do exactly what your husband wants to do. Exclude their SPOUSE whom they made VOWS to in favor of casual friends or strangers with whom they want to share MORE INTIMATE information / experiences than they ever did with the so-called love of their life. It's truly enraging and heart-breaking. The even more damning issue is that no real person can compare to fantasy. Fantasies created in role playing are perfect and unobtainable by a real person. Fantasies always know exactly what to say, do, think, and how to fuck perfectly. They don't accidentally say something wrong, have a will of their own, insecurities, or need to shave. You aren't competing with another woman for your husband's affection -- you are competing with his own imagination and the people he reveals his deepest secrets to, and the worlds they create together. Worlds and orgies from which you are excluded. It is truly, truly cruel. I am so sorry.