OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Am I wrong for being upset?

**Posted by Ouch** April 24, 2022 6:42 am

My STBGXW told me last night after our kids bedtime that she came out to our oldest son (age 9) yesterday. She only came out to me recently and we decided on divorce this past week (haven’t told the kids about the divorce yet). The only conversation we have had around her telling the kids about her sexuality was from her when she said I’m not going to tell the kids yet. I’m feeling pretty upset that she told him about this without at least giving me the heads up that she was going to. Am I wrong for being upset about this? I knew she was going to tell them eventually, just thought she would let me know before it was happening.

Full disclosure, most things she does right now make me want to cuss, so I am really trying to filter my thoughts and emotions through a lens of knowing that I am angry at her for a lot of reasons and trying to determine what is a “righteous” anger and what is me just being hurt about everything. Sorry for the long run-on sentence.

**Posted by Gloria** April 24, 2022 7:17 am

I agree with you. I think that she should have told you before she told your son.

**Posted by Virion** April 24, 2022 9:08 am

Absolutely you are entitled to be upset.My GID Ex ( came out went back in ) told his bio son without discussion at age 14, I have WARNED him he is under no circumstances to tell our much younger children without prior discussion etc.The sense of entitlement and narcissism these people display is appalling,

**Posted by Daryl** April 24, 2022 9:20 am

Yes, you should have known and had the opportunity to be there. It's normal for kids to have a ton of questions after something like this. They need to know they can talk to either parent about this.

**Posted by firefly** April 24, 2022 12:34 pm

I agree with everyone else. You have every right to be upset! Part of the craziness is that we start to second guess ourselves and our own feelings. At first my GH insisted that his identity is his issue and his alone. I have had the discussion with him a few times that the day he married me, this became our issue and our story (I just didn't know I was a major character for 22 years). Since it is our story, I absolutely get to be included in the discussion about who is told, how they are told, and when they are told - especially our children. I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am glad you have found this forum. Please keep coming back as you need.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 24, 2022 2:02 pm

We talk a lot on the Forum about "our truth" and the right to be able to speak it to whoever we want. Well this is her truth and even though she probably should have discussed it with you first...she didn't, so that's what you have to work with. Your son is now the person who should be your priority, because children are too vulnerable to handle all this without the support of both of you.

You.... Need to let your son know that it's no longer a secret he has to keep and that he can come to you if he has questions. And he will have questions

Elle

**Posted by Natu2407** April 24, 2022 6:10 pm

Hi Sean, I'm from Argentina so I'll use a translator and I hope you can understand my message well. I was in a relationship for 5 years with the perfect man, everyone said that we were made for each other. he and his family did not support the lgbt community. I taught him that love is love no matter what. We planned a life together and a few months ago we took the step of living together. he began to change, he looked at me ugly and he was always in a bad mood, so much so that two months ago we decided to take some time to think. We met again two weeks ago and he told me that he was no longer in love but that he loved me as a friend, I couldn't understand until he finally confirmed that he has been attracted to men since he was 12 years old. I collapse, I end my future and my life, I don't want to live anymore. It was so perfect that I don't understand. I have the illusion that he is a passenger, we continue to see each other and we had sex but last night he told me that he no longer wants to lie to himself. that today his way is that but he is in the closet and he says that he needs me by his side as a friend but I can't Sean, I can't. and more when he tells me that he still likes women. I don't know what to think, I want to wait for him but I don't believe in bisexuality, I feel that he is totally gay. He is the most incredible person I have met in my life, he helped me to be a better person. I love him but I hate him at the same time, how could he deceive me, betray me like that??? I have to accept being his friend after what he did to me???

**Posted by walkbymyself** April 28, 2022 3:41 pm

Ouch: the thing is, once your child is told, they're going to come to you and need support. Your STBX didn't give you the chance to prepare yourself for what and how you want to say. You were completely blindsided; she should have let you know, not just to be fair to you, but also so that you could mentally prepare for how to approach your own child. Let her know, now, that this is not acceptable. No negotiating. Just flat out say it.

It sounds like you have other, younger children. It can create really bad family dynamics if one child knows and has to keep it secret from the others. It can create resentment when normal, healthy sibling rivalry gets in the equation. I don't have the answers for you here -- it really depends on how many children and what their ages are, but a good experienced family therapist would be able to help here.

**Posted by witty_response** May 6, 2022 2:55 pm

Ouch: She probably should have told you. "Coming out" is a huge thing for queer people and they need to be in control of it, but you as the parent of the child should have at very least been notified and ideally, part of the conversation. One thing I may add is that its okay to have feelings without judging them as "right" or "wrong." You got blind-sided by her actions (again) and that is upsetting.