Perhaps several factors are involved here: guilt over having sex with another man while still married; tension because you are not used to being touched, or shame about your body?

If it is still being married consider consulting an attorney about divorce, and to find out if having sex while you are separated could be used against you by your husband in a divorce

For the second,focus on touching,each other without the expectation of it ending with intercourse. Hugs are great. An arm around the shoulder or waist, A back rub. All intimacies I missed during my marriage.

As for low respect for our bodies,,that is no surprise given lack of interest from our husbands. Figure out what your best physical features are and play them up. Love yourself this spring. I got out of his closet and filled mine.

One thing I have understood is that instinct is operating in the moment, in the present, where you are now.  

I am very familiar with the process people go through in order to learn to swim after a near drowning experience.  As you take the person into deep water they can start to panic, at the least they are very anxious - their instinct is saying danger deep water, their mind is going through the memory banks and of course the emotion is absolute terror - last time they were in deep water it was nearly the end of their life!

Thing is, see, they want to learn to swim.  So what I'd do is get them to focus on me - I'd chat away and at the point at which they laugh or smile at a joke I know we are over the hump.  The last memory they now have of being in deep water is a pleasurable one and we can build from there.  They've relaxed a bit we can start to enjoy it a bit and we can start to acquire the skill set needed to swim.

So sorry sorry sorry maybe it is just my suspicious mind but when you say that your partner is very understanding and yet you are having repeated anxiety attacks it makes me wonder if it's not your instinct warning you about the present partner, saying we really are back in deep water and no life raft presenting - I know it is common for gay in denial suitors to present when you leave a gay in denial partner.  

As Abby says, a hug goes a long way.  To go back to my analogy of fear of deep water, the thing I'd do is give them a kick board to hang on, so after a little while they are relaxed, enjoying themselves, can turn round and address their anxiety at being in deep water from a new perspective to the last time when they were drowning, now they are not drowning, they are comfortable and breathing and starting to talk and sure it is to have to face putting their head in the water and learning to exhale underwater but it's never the same terror again, it is a building of pleasant feelings and not long before confidence is there, they can handle themselves in deep water.  

so I think the question to ask yourself is whether your anxiety levels are going up or easing off.  Or you could ask yourself, gut level idoes this person feel right for me.

As far as my anxiety attacks being a possible warning towards my new intimate partner I’m not sure. I don’t believe I have any reason to doubt his authenticity. He is aware of my situation and never pressures me. But to be honest this whole experience makes me doubt everyone and everything. I’m constantly questioning everything. I can only hope as I continue to work on myself I’ll be able to trust again and follow my gut instincts.

September wrote:

As far as my anxiety attacks being a possible warning towards my new intimate partner I’m not sure. I don’t believe I have any reason to doubt his authenticity. He is aware of my situation and never pressures me. But to be honest this whole experience makes me doubt everyone and everything. I’m constantly questioning everything. I can only hope as I continue to work on myself I’ll be able to trust again and follow my gut instincts.

Hi September - so how is it going, have you been able to determine if your anxiety levels are rising or falling with sexual contact with your new partner?  This is a time to be questioning, so question away.

Personally, my response to this is to think wouldn't a straight man be keener?  why is your response more about what you might be doing wrong rather than about him at all.

And so I am upgrading to being cautionary - think about it from his side, if he is gay in denial for him it's an ideal situation - you are prepared to take the blame for any lack of intimacy right from the start.  

Here's another possible cause for the anxiety - you are still centred around your old partner and your anxiety is all about him, what he's doing now, and the gay thing is rearing it's head in what you still feel to be your current relationship.

Maybe everything is fine, you have a new partner and the anxieties are being eased by him so that you are now relaxing more and more in bed with him.

Yes there are big hiccups as you face the anxieties bred in you by sharing your love life with a gay in denial.  But it's what happens next to look at now, how he responds - does your new partner ease your fears or is it your instinct warning you - is he pinging on the same string?