OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My boyfriend wants sex with another partner

**Posted by Abby** February 22, 2022 12:22 pm

You write of you being able to "set him free with love" but I fear that you are the one in need of being set free.

You describe him as your "boyfriend". Are you able end the romantic/sexual relationship with him and change to being only a caring friend? That's difficult for most people and, by your own admission, he has a sex addiction.

Maintaining contact with him gives him hope that he can yet convince you to do what you - wisely - have refused to do again. Perhaps you will be hampering his recovery if he truly wants to change his ways. Give him and yourself a break.

Why not let him date other people and start venturing out yourself? You could use a change of scenery and some fresh air.

**Posted by lily** February 22, 2022 1:22 pm

Sorry Nita - can't really think of any more I can say - we have told you he is GID, sex with him is damaging even without the hardcore sex addiction he is displaying.

If he loved you he would be saying sorry over and over and carting that stuff to the rubbish dump.

My suggestion is protect yourself - let him do his counselling first before continuing to have a relationship with him - let your heartbreak come and turn to your friends to help you through it.

**Posted by Marianne** February 22, 2022 2:55 pm

Hi Nita.

Your boyfriend clearly does not take "no" for an answer. Right after you set your boundaries, he tries to make you break them again. This is a clear sign of manipulation.

I'd recommend you to read a bit about manipulation. My native language is different but maybe someone else here can recommend good resources.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 22, 2022 3:56 pm

Given your description of him--"He lost his wife to cancer last year, and is still grieving. He has suicidal ideations. He is going through a major job change. He has a sex addiction. He has been suppressing his bisexuality all his life, and/or denying it to others, and wrestling with inner conflict. He is 31 years sober, but addiction takes many forms. He has passive aggressive tendencies. So, he is a mess"--he sounds like a poor choice for a friend, and an even worse one for a lover.

"If this was anyone else, [you'd] be long gone"? Given what he's asked you to do, and is still asking you to do despite your clear "no," why aren't you "long gone" already? Friendships wax and wane, and they end, too. One wonders what it would take for you to see how toxic this man and your "friendship" with him is.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 22, 2022 3:57 pm)

**Posted by Nita Jalkanen** February 23, 2022 12:07 pm

Good morning. I think tonight I will end this relationship; hopefully we can remain friends, but it has too negatively impacted my psyche and my health. Wish me luck. And thank you for your support.

**Posted by lily** February 23, 2022 12:30 pm

Nita, that sounds like you are going to see him and try and tell him it's over. That's not going to work, it's just more drama - you break it off by not seeing him any more.

**Posted by Nita Jalkanen** February 23, 2022 12:51 pm

Breaking up a relationship is best done in person. We have a 43-year history. I'm going to do this properly.

**Posted by lily** February 23, 2022 1:31 pm

good luck. hope it works out well

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 23, 2022 3:01 pm

Nita Jalkanen wrote:
......When we started dating, he told me he was 95 per cent hetero......

Omg I hadn't seen this. 95% hetero?

My partner said " [his bisexuality] is only 5% of who he is. That 5-fucking-percent ruined the life we had.
Talk about minimalising themselves to suit their real selves

Elle

**Posted by Nita Jalkanen** February 23, 2022 4:18 pm

I think I was done when we had a discussion last week about a third party. He even knew who he wanted to contact. It just took me a while for this to sink in.... I give him points for being honest. I know he stepped out on his wife with men, and lied about it -- and never wants to live like that again. This whole thing is affecting my health and well-being, so the kindest thing for me is to let him go, with love, and the kindest thing for him is to set him free to pursue his sexual addictions. Wish me luck. This will be a hard conversation.