OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My boyfriend wants sex with another partner

**Posted by Nita Jalkanen** February 17, 2022 7:17 pm

I am a heterosexual, 55 year old woman dating a 56 year old man.

When we started dating, he told me he was 95 per cent hetero.

Today he asked me if I would do a threesome with another man. I said no. I am giving him carte Blanche to go have sex with a man....but I think that will be the end of us. He is professing his love. I am going to suggest we try an open relationship (that will never fly; he would be insanely jealous).

Looking for some guidance, here. I think his stepping out on a monogamous relationship is a no-fly zone for me......

Helpful advice?

**Posted by lily** February 17, 2022 8:30 pm

Sounds to me like you have this. No point in trying to keep hold of him.

95% heterosexual? what does that even mean? - it's tip of the iceberg isn't it.

oh sorry but I think I have to add - wanting a threesome out of the blue makes me suspicious he is already stepping out and you need to protect your health.

Last edited by lily (February 17, 2022 8:33 pm)

**Posted by Soaplife** February 17, 2022 10:04 pm

Nita, only you can decide what's acceptable to you in a relationship and take appropriate steps if your boundaries are being pushed. Which they are, because you are here and you already know the hypothetical guy is not for you but for him! I'd say no thanks and break up, but thats just me.

I agree with Lily, it would be wise to be tested for all STIs just in case he is already stepping out.

**Posted by Nita Jalkanen** February 18, 2022 10:53 am

Thank you for the support. I have insisted he get counselling. This bisexuality has haunted him all his life, and he needs to get peace. His heart is with me, but he gets these urges; he agrees he does not need to act on them. But he is full of inner conflict. I love him enough to let him go, if need be. I want him to be at peace. Thank you. I'm glad I found this group.

**Posted by lily** February 18, 2022 3:59 pm

What do you think counselling will do? If there were any benefit for him in getting counselling why hasn't he signed up for it himself years ago? oh that's right he knows what he wants, it's just you who needs to fall into line as far as he's concerned - and he's working on it.

95% heterosexual - what is that? How can you be less than heterosexual, full stop. Do you give one glance out of twenty to a woman? Or when it comes down to it, is it men you are attracted to, full stop.

Does monogamy matter? you know it does, so why are you offering to stick around while he does counselling? He's more likely to be entertaining himself dissing you to the counsellor than looking into his murky past. But just wait next time you complain out will come stories of how he was abused as a child.

He is Gay In Denial. He will play you til the cows come home.

That's just my opinion of course, and it's about someone I have never met. But I have to say you are showing the classic signs. and you've just been hoovered back in. Now is the time to step back and take an objective look at him for yourself.

Last edited by lily (February 18, 2022 4:15 pm)

**Posted by HopelessRomantic** February 18, 2022 4:40 pm

Nita Jalkanen wrote:
Today he asked me if I would do a threesome with another man. I said no. I am giving him carte Blanche to go have sex with a man....but I think that will be the end of us. He is professing his love. I am going to suggest we try an open relationship (that will never fly; he would be insanely jealous).

Looking for some guidance, here. I think his stepping out on a monogamous relationship is a no-fly zone for me......

Helpful advice?

Personally, I am always opposed to open relationships. I’ve never had one, but I’ve known plenty of people who have and there always seems to be just an insane amount of jealousy/heartache/drama.

You said something I find troubling... he wants to sleep with another person (another man) but you also think he’d be jealous of you sleeping with someone else. Double standard. I’d be wary of anyone who gives ‘rules for thee but not for me.’

Last edited by HopelessRomantic (February 18, 2022 4:41 pm)

**Posted by Nita Jalkanen** February 19, 2022 11:19 am

My boyfriend followed through, and booked an appointment with a psychologist for later this month. He has had suicidal thoughts; I am so glad he is going to get some professional help to get clarity......

I find this very isolating. I've talked to a couple of close friends about the situation (although my partner asked me to keep this between us). I have to have SOMEone to talk to. It feels like a deep, dark secret, and it's putting barriers between me and my friends as I'm not sharing what is going on in my life....

My boyfriend has a room in his house dedicated to recreational sex. A play room. He also spent thousands and thousands of dollars on a motor bunny.... I've tried it; it was painful. He keeps going on about me trying it again.....even though I've told him it hurts. It is a thorn in his side.... But hell will freeze over before I try that thing again......

Keep talking to me, friends. I feel very alone with this all.....

**Posted by Abby** February 19, 2022 11:34 am

You are only a prop in his play. Time to climb out of the rabbit hole you've fallen into. Whatever he is he isn't for you.

**Posted by lily** February 19, 2022 12:29 pm

yes, following on from Abby -

Make an appt with your doctor. Talk to your friends and your family. Protect yourself.

**Posted by walkbymyself** February 19, 2022 1:23 pm

Sex isn't supposed to be "endured" or "tolerated". If he can't bend his sexual desires to match yours, what makes him believe you can bend yours to match his?

I know it's all too easy for me to sit here and tell you this guy is NOT going to be worth it -- ever -- but you have all the information you need.