My boyfriend 31 yrs old I'm 36 yrs old..of a year an a half does some very strange things.
1. Best friend whom he works with told me out of blue he's bisexual and likes to have anal sex with men.
2. He wants me to peg him "Dominate" him at least 3xs a week.
3. Won't touch my lady part but does like to give oral and doesn't have a problem getting hard.
4. Would never sleep at my house until i made a huge fuss about it and has started to spend the night after 7 months.
5. Let his best friend in #1 move in with him.
6. Went on a trip to NC to see his "best friend"invited me but didn't tell me when he was going until i couldn't request off work. Stayed in a hotel with guy from NC when they went to myrtle Beach for day n did couple outings such as went to beach, out to eat etc..
7. When he got home admitted to me he was molested and would never do that with a man. After i accused him of being romantically involved with #6
8. Is very secretive. My gut tells me something is very off but he's so manipulative and lies about most things.
9. Turned snap chat locator on his phone and was at multiple random houses when i was at work.
10. Catch him looking at and checking out men all the time.. but then it was women to mostly men.
11. Always avoids going to gym with me.
12. Grindr app said there was someone 8 feet away from me when i made an account and we were both home.
13. Another friend he would spend at least 3 to 5 hours with every thurs until i found out he texted him.."hey sexy. "
14. I've asked him if he's bi.. he denies it.. I've asked him if he's gay.  Denies and always says "I'm not betraying you. It's not what you think. I have never cheated on you." But snap chat shows different and so does his actions.. should i leave him? Please help so confused

Thank you for writing. In reply to Shh0406: 

"My boyfriend 31 yrs old I'm 36 yrs old..of a year an a half does some very strange things.
1. Best friend whom he works with told me out of blue he's bisexual and likes to have anal sex with men.
2. He wants me to peg him "Dominate" him at least 3xs a week.
3. Won't touch my lady part but does like to give oral and doesn't have a problem getting hard.
4. Would never sleep at my house until I made a huge fuss about it and has started to spend the night after 7 months.
5. Let his best friend in #1 move in with him.
6. Went on a trip to NC to see his "best friend" invited me but didn't tell me when he was going until I couldn't request off work. Stayed in a hotel with guy from NC when they went to myrtle Beach for day n did couple outings such as went to beach, out to eat etc..
7. When he got home admitted to me he was molested and would never do that with a man. After I accused him of being romantically involved with #6
8. Is very secretive. My gut tells me something is very off but he's so manipulative and lies about most things.
9. Turned snap chat locator on his phone and was at multiple random houses when i was at work.
10. Catch him looking at and checking out men all the time.. but then it was women to mostly men.
11. Always avoids going to gym with me.
12. Grindr app said there was someone 8 feet away from me when i made an account and we were both home.
13. Another friend he would spend at least 3 to 5 hours with every thurs until i found out he texted him.."hey sexy. "
14. I've asked him if he's bi.. he denies it.. I've asked him if he's gay.  Denies and always says "I'm not betraying you. It's not what you think. I have never cheated on you." But snap chat shows different and so does his actions.. should i leave him? Please help so confused." 

Before I comment please get tested for STIs and only practice safe sex with this man. That means condoms condoms condoms when you have sex with him. Now in response to your post.... 

Yes of course you should leave him. Do not marry this loser! And if you want to know why, just re-read the 14 reasons listed above. While he may get to define his own sexuality, only you have the power to define love and intimacy. Just to re-cap your list: 

1. He's on Grindr....a gay sex app. 
2. His co-worker outed him (not unlike a boyfriend would), a co-worker he now lives with.
3. He enjoys anal sex. 
4. He's cheating on you...with men. 
5. He's done the classic "head fake" when confronted about his sexuality by claiming he was molested. Something I discuss at the 1:03:00 mark of this podcast: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath.  

If you define love as monogamy, honesty, trust, and intimacy, clearly this loser is failing at all four. Time to move on I reckon but beware! Whenever straight wives/girlfriends make noises about separation/divorce, these manipulative men often love bomb them back into the relationship by acting like the perfect man. It's called a "honeymoon" phase and it usually lasts about 3-6 months before he goes back to Grindr, lying, and neglect. I'd suggest reading "Co-Dependent No More" or reading the chumplady.com blog. Good luck! 

In response to MyExodus: 

1. Sorry Sean, I didn't read all 189 pages; but I read a lot. And it has been so very affirming.

I recall our earlier exchanges and am glad to have helped in some way. 

2. I am trying to finalize our divorce now and I am on the fence about something. I want him to at least tell the truth to our daughters. Fourteen year-old point-blank asked him if he's gay and he lied or, maybe, is just gaslighting himself when he said no.

I'm going to assume this is the same daughter you wrote about during a previous exchange: 

"My Exodus wrote: But our 13 year-old daughter has figured out an awful lot during the pandemic that she's not directly telling me.  She hints a lot; but will not come out and say it.  She may be the one who outs him.  I hate that she's in that place.  This all makes for a really crappy chump sandwich."

Sean replied: Your poor daughter. Kids are quite technologically savvy these days so I can only assume that she's seen dad's hook up profile, dirty photos, or found his "naughty" collection of toys/underwear. I'd urge you to take your daughter to see a qualified child psychologist so that she can unburden herself with someone safe. Right now she's likely staying tight-lipped because she doesn't want to be responsible for outing her dad and thereby causing her parents to divorce. I'd get her professional help as soon as possible. 

Please let me know if this is the same daughter who discovered dad wasn't straight. If this is the same daughter, I reckon she and the other girls already know dad is gay. In response to your question, I've often asked straight spouses to rank their soon-to-be-ex-husbands or husband's honesty on a scale of 0-10. Zero (0) is a pathalogical liar and ten (10) is Jesus-like honesty. When looking at the entire relationship, most straight spouses rank their husbands at about a 1 or 2, meaning they lied about their sexuality and lied about cheating for most of the relationship. While I'd suggest discussing this with a mental health professional, I reckon your husband is just incapable of being honest about his sexuality. Honesty just isn't a language questioning husbands understand, particularly when they are from Evangelical or Christian communities. So asking him to be honest about his sexuality is akin to asking him to speak Russian with your girls. These are just not languages he understands. Rather than focus on your husband and his lack of honesty, I'd continue working to equip your girls with the tools to deal with a potentially narcissistic or manipulative closted father.   

3. Remnants of Exodus International.

If your husband went through conversion therapy, the subject of the excellent documentary "Pray Away", he now has a grocery list of reasons to explain away his same sex attraction: meaning he's having a very hard time accepting that some people are just born gay. Conversion or reparative therapy seeks to change a person's sexuality and/or wrongly tells LGB people that their natural attraction to the same sex can be curtailed or controlled, not unlike an addiction. While you cannot control your husband, particularly after separation/divorce, you can teach your daughters that people are born gay and that conversion/reparative therapy is bullsh*t. 

4. I hate all these secrets and lies.

Of course! 

5. I have no family. I'm barely making ends meet now with public assistance. I NEED my alimony. If I keep his secret, appease him in that way, I might get the alimony. If I piss him off, I may be in real financial crisis later. I am working hard now and will not always be this tight; but I have to survive right now and will better myself.

I'm sorry you're suffering. This kind of economic domination, whereby a closeted/questioning husband isolated and controls his wife, is actually quite common. (See my above interviews with Kay and Lily.) If your financial security will be at risk if you "out" him, then now is perhaps not the time to provoke him. He will eventually out himself. 

6. I have tried to teach my girls about making boundaries in relationships with each other and with friends and even me in teachable moments. I am hoping they will be able to apply them to their relationship with him when and if they need to. I'm trying to armour them (in subtle ways) to battle the narcissism if necessary.

Well done. But let's be realistic. Straight spouses and teen girls going up against a lifelong narcissist who has been hiding his sexuality since childhood is a bit like a novice pianist suddenly going toe-to-toe with a concert-level pianist. He's just better at hiding his sexuality because he's been doing it all his life. As I suggested last time, I'd ensure your girls are in therapy with a professional who understands both the coming out process and personality disorders like narcissism. 

7. If it's not too private, was there a moment when you knew it was time to come out to your kids?

My ex-wife and I consulted with a child psychologist who recommended the following schedule: 

Separation
Divorce
Living Apart for 1 year
Dad comes out to the kids

8. If he comes clean on his own...

Wishful thinking in my opinion. If your husband's friends, family, and/or church environment are all anti-gay, he may remain closeted forever. Or he might even find another straight partner to act as his new "beard." 

9. ...maybe he wouldn't withhold my alimony. Am I making sense or is this my codependency at work? Maybe I should just let it play out on its own.

If your husband is indeed a narcissist, narcissists thrive on approval/recognition. For example, closeted husbands are often very good at playing the loving husband or doting father when "on stage." So what's my point? There is little for a closted narcissist to gain from withholding alimony from his ex-wife and children because this won't win him continued approval from his friends, family, church, and the legal system. In fact, he's likely terrified of skipping alimony payments because this would result in disapproval, rejection from others, or jail time in some countries. So I would continue to focus on yourself, your own healing, and your daugthers. You could never control your husband nor change his sexuality. And you will have even less control over an ex-husband so I'd suggest working hard with a therapist or perhaps a women's support group (like coda.org) to change the only person you can: you! 

I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to post again. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean (February 14, 2022 1:50 am)

Very good podcast. I haven't listened to any on this topic before. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Clintonia and Shh0406. So what have you decided to do Shh0406? Be well! 

Thanks for writing Shh0406. In reply: 

1. ​I don't know [what to do] I really don't.

No rush my friend. Take all the time you need. BUT beware: once a closeted/questioning partner thinks you're about to leave, he often "love bombs" you or there is a kind of "honeymoon" phase. 

2. At this point he knows I'm not happy due to his behavior, sneaky lies, I have so much evidence its ridiculous.

Evidence like what my friend? 

3. I'm going to end it very soon. I can't live like this.

Ok so you've made a decision. Please see #1 (above) as he might attempt to win you back, but it's more like tempting you back into his closet. 

4. There's always doubt in mind I'm not 1% sure because he denies everything! Not even one thing is true? All snap chat maps are off and not accurate as well as Google maps..lol he doesn't have grindr but literally someone was 8feet away? The only people here are me and my 8 yr old.. has to be you.. we no longer have sex..i won't.. and we had a very active sex life everyday..2xs at least..

I'm sorry this is so confusing. If you're not already in therapy, I'd get yourself a qualified counsellor to work through all of these emotions.   

5. I'm getting checked [for STDs/STIs] this week..i just don't know how to do it? Any suggestions? Thanks again Sean 4 everything you are doing Gods work and that's a fact i so know! Very humble, heroine you are!

I applaud you for focusing on your health and the health of your child as well. If and when he tries to initiate sex again to win you back, which often happens during the post-conflict honeymoon phase, please only practice safe sex. 

Good luck my friend and keep coming back!