OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I don't think I can do this

**Posted by Idontknow** February 14, 2022 10:37 am

My wife told me three days ago she's gay. 30 years of marriage, two grown children, half of my life has revolved around my love for her. I'm almost 60, lost my job due to Covid, my mom died last year. I already felt battered, now I'm shattered in a hundred pieces. I've been reading here all weekend, and appreciate the support that I've seen you all give one another, but I just don't know what to do. It all seems so empty. Where do I go from here? How do we tell the kids? Is she even being truthful with me? She's never lied to me, I know this, we've had the greatest relationship. Some signs recently like I've seen other experience, loss of intimacy and sex, I chalked it up to menopause. She's promised me there is no one else, that she has been faithful to me and it's not an individual that caused her this revelation. Do I leave? Do I ask her to leave? We haven't talked much about it since she told me, I did say I couldn't believe our marriage was over, that I never thought we would get divorced, and she said she didn't either, so that tells me she's already made up her mind. I proposed to her on Valentine's Day 30 years ago today, and for every year we've woken up together and celebrated our love for one another. Today that didn't happen.

**Posted by HopelessRomantic** February 14, 2022 11:12 am

I’m sorry this is happening to you... especially when you have so much else going on.

I’d say the first thing you need to do is introspection, if you haven’t already done so. Give yourself time to really think about what you want, how you feel, what concerns you might have, etc. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. (I ruminated on everything for about a month before I started a conversation with my spouse.)

Next step, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, where you’d like to go from here. Ask her the same.

**Posted by lily** February 14, 2022 1:23 pm

Hi idk,

Welcome to the world of gay in denial. You've been living in it for 30 years, only now you get to find out.

Denial doesn't mean don't know, it means not telling.

Why is she telling you now? Something has changed for her.

Having read the stories do you still believe her when she says she isn't having an affair?

This is a huge thing. we talk about rollercoasters of emotion, and this one is tsunami sized. Rule of survival number one - be kind to yourself at all times. Park all second guessing yourself at the door for while and give yourself strength and support.

**Posted by Sannew** February 14, 2022 9:12 pm

Are you sure your kids don’t know already?
I’ married for 30 years and felt never enough in our marriage. We have 2 kids together and 3 from his former marriage. Just days ago I found out that at least 4 knew for many years. The big secret that everyone knows and no one talks about! I’m really struggling with the situation and decision to stay or go.

**Posted by jamieblunt** February 17, 2022 12:35 pm

i got my bombshell of my gay wife after 20 years of marriage and i spent last summer trying to think through it all and to be everything to everyone, once i went through my stages of grief only one solution presented itself.
I am still going through it but my only advice is get out and start your new life, what you had is gone, but you can have something else. It doesn't have to be war(and what's the point in fighting it) i have actively helped my stbx find a new place and she is leaving most of her equity in the family home for ten years, so she is getting a new life, i keep my dream home for now and the children have stability.

we told them about the divorce and her being gay on the same weekend,it was tough but they have adapted. i have even started seeing another lady but it is all very new and innocent and taking it very slowly, its just nice to be with someone now and again who seems to be genuinely into me.

summer into October i was a mess trying to think my way out of this, once i accepted i couldn't control it i just focussed on me(and i have jumped through a load of hoops/stress to help her move out)

now its all in the hands of the legal people but she should be moved out by april/may and our divorce should be done by the summer.

i didnt want any of this but once i took positive action it felt better, try not to wallow, try to imagine life without her as there is one and its waiting for you.

**Posted by Soaplife** February 17, 2022 9:55 pm

Not hijacking the thread, but JamieBlunt, good to hear things are working out ok for you. You've done well 👍

Last edited by Soaplife (February 17, 2022 10:06 pm)