Posted by HopelessRomantic  February 12, 2022 1:05 am | #11 |
Elle,
No, I wouldn’t be a lesbian. I wasn’t insinuating that I’d be willing to become a lesbian for him. I was saying that though having romance/passion is important to me, I’m torn because part of me feels like I’d ultimately be more willing to give that up and live in a platonic (sexless) marriage than to walk away. I don’t like either option. I’d obviously prefer that we manage to make our compromises work and somehow both end up at least half-happy and content... and I’m afraid that might be a pipe dream.
And Lily,
What you saw the man doing is called sissification, where men like dressing up and/or pretending to be little girls. Mine likes that too... as well as some other similar fetishes that go along with it and try as I might I can’t stop my stomach from turning when I think about it.
I’ve recently talked to my dad, but only about the crossdressing/potential trans aspect... I feel like telling him about all the fetishes that go along with it would be entirely too much information. I can’t talk to my mom because I 100% believe she’s think it was awesome and invalidate all of my feelings by insisting that I should be more supportive.
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Posted by lily February 12, 2022 2:28 am | #12 |
yes, it is fine to see from a distance, but not in a husband. that is stomach turning. being sexually dominant or submissive - this is a fact of life that involves profound emotions.
I am surprised at what you say about your parent's attitudes. Maybe it's just a case of having a general attitude which is very different when it is your own daughter. Was your father upset for you? did you tell him it was making your stomach turn or did you present it in a 'I still love him so don't say a bad word about him' way?
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz February 12, 2022 3:39 am | #13 |
HopelessRomantic wrote:
...
I’m torn because part of me feels like I’d ultimately be more willing to give that up and live in a platonic (sexless) marriage than to walk away.....
I'm in a sexless r'ship... Have been for 2 years now. I'm surviving but wish I could get angry enough to not want to be here.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Leslie77 February 12, 2022 6:53 am | #14 |
Hopeless Romantic Wrote: For straight wives with trans or crossdressing husbands (where the husband is/claims to be interested only in women), how much luck have you had (long term) maintaining intimacy? How do you get past the loss of masculine traits, and how do you get over the feminine ones?
I didn't. I told him from the beginning that his feminine appearance was repulsive to me. If I saw him dressed up, that would be a guarantee of no sex.
He progressed, in two years, from an interest in men's makeup to a full scale female identity and a confessed desire to have sex with drag queens. We are divorced now.
I did everything in my power for us to stay together. I think escalation is the norm in most of these behaviors.
The worst part of it for me was the lying and deception. He knew about it when we got married and never told me. He lied about going out to gay bars and drag queen shows, as well as his therapy (with a trans-man) that was going nowhere. His ED got worse. I realized in the end he was never sexually attracted to me, a woman. And, the worst, he was trying to be a woman, something that I would never accept. There is only room in a relationship for one woman - me.
Only you can decide what to do. But from my own experiences and what I've read here, you can't put the genie back in the bottle.
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Posted by Marianne February 12, 2022 8:30 am | #15 |
I’m admittedly not really in the best state of mind to be making any life changing decisions at the moment... just had my second baby in December, wound up with birth injuries. So my body is quite literally trying to fall apart on me in a very intimate way, and I’m doing my best to keep myself from mentally falling apart at the same time. Gotta stay sane for the kids. Extremely bad timing. When it rains, it pours.
I'm so sorry, HopelessRomantic. The situation sounds difficult enough for you even without the additional trouble of a trans husband and trying to save the relationship.
Take your time. You don't have to decide now.
I can imagine right now you need lots of love, care, understanding and healing. You must have your own needs met to be able to be there for others. That's not selfish... that's just the way it is.
Wishing you all the best.
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Posted by LostNalone February 12, 2022 9:38 am | #16 |
My GID husband came out to me in slow, small bits over time. When the cross dressing started I supported him at first, then he slowly started talking trans, then bi, then gay. About the time I got the courage consider the marriage more than I could stand, he got sick, stuffed everything in a trunk and went back in the closet, literally and figuratively. He has had multiple health issues, wavering in and out of the closet with each. Now he is seriously ill and there is no chance for cure. The mental scars will never heal and I continue to search for the courage to leave. I deserve more out of a marriage and so do you. BTW, it never gets better.
Last edited by LostNalone (February 12, 2022 9:39 am)
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Posted by HopelessRomantic February 12, 2022 11:55 am | #17 |
Lily,
I was 100% honest with my dad about every complicated and contradictory thought and feeling I have... and he was absolutely perfect. He was understanding and supportive of everything I said. Even though (as he admitted) his initial impulse was to leave work and come ‘rescue’ me, he maintained that he’ll support whatever decisions I make. He won’t betray my confidence, and he will be supportive of my marriage and husband until I tell him otherwise.
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Posted by lily February 12, 2022 3:45 pm | #18 |
HopelessRomantic, that sounds really good. Perfect Dad response. That's so good. And very glad to hear you have already spoken with him.
Telling him, finding us here, the name you have picked, the story you have told - all show how strong you are.
So sorry to hear about the birth injuries.
Whatever you do you need to have the company of others, so keep talking - don't keep his secret.
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Posted by LostAtSea February 12, 2022 8:34 pm | #19 |
Hopeless,
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I like you wanted to stay and thought “it” was my person. I cried and I even BEGGED to be lesbian or whatever I needed to be to keep holding onto my person. I kept thinking I could “deal” with the makeup, the dresses, etc.
Then I found out all the lies, the deceit, the cheating, the dating websites and nude pics to married men. I found all this myself! “it” never told me and would have taken it to the grave. Here I stand loyal after my life was destroyed.
I thought “it” was my best friend for 17 years. I thought we had a bond that couldn’t be broken, but it did.
Even after all my discovery I was willing to accept and hold onto what I that our bond meant but time and time again, “it” showed me who/what it was. A confused person who doesn’t know what to be.
If I was truly honest with myself, yes we had good times and were best friends, hardly ever fought and were ideal couple. But the lack of intimacy after 5 years started crashing down 8 months into the marriage when I discovered porn. I never knew what kind it was until last year when it all exploded. I finally figured out it was transporn and it was a addiction I helped “it” find resources but never wanted to discuss with me.
So I’m saying all of this as in you are his best friend but is he really yours?
Apparently I never knew who my best friend was. I was fighting for something that was a failure from the start.
Please do what’s best for you, but know deep down if you have any doubts in your body and mind....it might be time to let go.
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Posted by HopelessRomantic February 12, 2022 9:53 pm | #20 |
LostAtSea,
My heart goes out to you and everyone else here that’s been cheated on. I’ve been there, it’s absolutely crushing. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that deceit and betrayal.
To answer your question, yes. I am 110% secure in the knowledge that we are best friends and he does care about me... despite any shortcomings and problems we have or have had, he IS trying. And he’s never cheated on me, I have absolutely no doubts there. He’s not a perfect person, he’s got baggage but so do I. We’re trying to make this work, we both want to be able to give each other what we want/need, to be lovers and not just friends and co-parents... I’m just not entirely sure that’s possible.
