Thanks, MJM.
And a hug in return for your contributions.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 31, 2022 10:59 am)

OOHC - kudos to you! This group is helping me to take steps to get to the other side. It's hard but encouraging to read stories of triumph. I'm glad to know that I am not alone. Happy Anniversary! 
 

Thank you OoHC, and all of you who have commented because it reminds me to be thankful that I left and have a chance at peace once again.  Many days I achieve that, but even 2 years post divorce I find myself triggered every few weeks and I end up in another pointless obsessive analysis of why and how I wasted so many years on my CD GIDXH. I'm climbing out of the most recent crash now after seeing him with a young woman (he just turned 60) in an outdoor sports setting we both still frequent.  My reaction was visceral; I plunged into 24 hrs of pain, anger, guilt and despair.  None of that is about jealousy.  I don't miss him.  I'm grateful everyday to be out of the marriage and away from his daily drama.  The person I divorced was not the person I married and therein lays most of the trauma associated with all this.  As he, little by little, revealed who he was and what he wanted from me, I was by turns grieving, almost as if my husband had died, anxious and afraid because I was sleeping with a secretive CD/G stranger who daily pulled new surprises from his sleeve, and isolated because I couldn't tell anyone what was happening.  I am still dealing with all those feelings. My narcissistic ex is probably running the same con on that poor woman.  When I saw them I had a sense of impending doom, like I was about to watch someone walk into an airplane propeller, and I was helpless to prevent it.  The helplessness and guilt led to depression and today I'm climbing back out, but with the almost certain knowledge that the pattern will repeat itself. How do I end this cycle?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Soaplife.  There is no one among my friends that has ever been through  the kinds of experiences that we talk about here. I think they mean well, but I have gotten the "isn't it time to let this go?" to my emotional crashes from a couple friends, so it's a relief to hear that it's not unusual to still be struggling 2 years out.  Honestly, on my worst days, I wonder if recovery is even possible.  Like most people my age (60), I've survived and thrived after other relationships, but this is different.

Leigh,

 Original poster here:  I wouldn't want to give the impression that I never revisit that horrible experience with my now-ex.  Nor that coming into contact with him would not call up in me turmoil.  And I am over three years out from divorce and four years away from living with him!   I am 100% no contact for a reason!   

  I agree that two years out is not so very long.  You don't just "get over" the kind of betrayal we've experienced.  Seeing your ex engaged in what looked to you like another such betrayal in the making would indeed be traumatic and infuriating!   It would call up in you the trauma of the deception he perpetrated on you and inflame your anger about the lack of consequences for him of what he got--and apparently still is-- getting away with!  It's very difficult to get past those feelings of unfairness and anger.  I can only say that as time passes, and what he did to you ceases to have immediate effects on your life, those feelings become more manageable and also do fade (although I also try not to dwell on them or stir them up!).  The unfairness will never go away.  

  When friends pressure you to "just get over it," I think there are several paths you can follow.  You can come up with an analogy and apply it to their life and ask them how they'd feel if someone said the same to them.  You can address it directly by saying, I'm sure you're trying to help me, but what you've said invalidates my feelings and suggests I shouldn't feel what I do.  Or you can decide that if your "friend" is so lacking in empathy that they can't imagine what this is like for you, that they aren't much of a friend...and distance yourself from that person.