Hi IWHS,

Look it is hard to be polite about this stuff at the best of times and yes she has well and truly blindsided you.

so I am going to make my comments in order of the priority I think you need to take.

first - big dash of cold water in the face - she has been preparing for this for at least 2 years.  ie from when she withdrew in bed.  and she has always known of her attraction to women, she is not blindsided at all.  She is at her sister's place leaving you to stew and I will lay dollars to donuts that for her right now, she is focused on the money.  so that is first priority.  Listen to those uncomfortable feelings and protect yourself financially from her as much as you can now.

The steps are there before you, consult with your lawyer, go to the doctor for a general check up, find the people you can confide in and get their support.  You will have an overwhelming amount to deal with, I mean you could spend a month of Sundays thinking about your children and that's not your most pressing issue, your broken heart is - support team needed.

Your wife presumably has a girlfriend.  She will have been sleeping with a girlfriend in the build up to withdrawing in bed 2 years ago.  You also mention 10 years ago as a point at which things changed.  also likely to be a girlfriend.

approximated quote from you - I can't be there for her any more as I have to protect myself from her.  This.  This is music to my ears, it is what you need to do.

In the immediacy of the situation you are in you are still plying a violin for her - she is going to have a tough time.  You can always decide to give her more money later, make sure you are not giving her any more than you have to now.  Don't underestimate her.  She is accustomed to playing you.  Be cautious and aware, she won't like it when she can't play you as easily as she does now.

You call her your soulmate and yet the evidence is there that she isn't - neither heart nor hip.  This says to me that you have believed her to be your soulmate and loved her with all your heart.  So love yourself a bit for being capable of such love.  And don't give yourself a hard time for being deceived - none of this is your fault.  Trust yourself, let this new information shine it's light on your past.  

You are right to have hope.  A lot of life lies before you.  one step at a time, you can have the feel of the ground under your feet again.

wishing you all the best, Lily






 

I am still going through my version of your story, i read the first few lines and stopped, i cant give you any advice yet but tell you what i have done as i felt exactly the same as you. The wise heads here really woke me up to the tricks they play even if like my stbx she isn't a bad person and we have avoided a war, but she still behaves like a self entitled teenager and i a dead weight to me at home these days.
pretty much everything that happened behaviour wise was predicted here first.

so i have driven the divorce as i am not ready to retire from intimacy at 48, she agreed terms last week and so the petition will go off to the courts this week.
But and this is the big but, i have put myself back out there (haven't hidden it from stbx but we don't dicuss it) I have met a lady from an online dating site and we have met a couple of times and are in regular contact via whatsapp, its very innocent and new ,we are getting to know each other and you would only class us as friends who may or may not fancy each other, but the world of difference between stbx and the void of affection i have lived in for the past several years and this lady is immense.

ok so i fibbed i will give one bit of advice, get divorced and move on with your life, i didn't want it and did not expect 2021 to end in it, however i can now see light at the end of the tunnel even if i have all the major faff of a divorce ahead of me. I am no longer in hells waiting room and have a direction which is to strike out on my own(with my children with me) and control my own destiny as much as i can.

I didnt realise how miserable i was with the situation until this all happened, i felt it was my lot to live with a wife that was quite cold, i got married for life but even if she pleaded to stay married and promised intimacy there is no going back i don't want her anymore and i look forward to the day she moves out.
but i have no bitterness towards her(anymore), i genuinely want her to find someone to love and be happy with, i just want her out of my daily life bar child related stuff.

Thanks you where all helpful, mostly saying it out loud and hearing your words and takign them to heart.
.
She refuses to say divorce, she didnt tell our kids until i told her to, then she just said the marriage was over not that she ended it and she was gay and i was supprised how much that hurt.

she didnt come out to anybody, she moved home will I refinance the house and seporate or finances, she is distant and crying one moment and nice the next then she is cold and condisending. worst experience ever. 

I want her to own up, understand what she is doing and i thought she would talk to me, 31 years and she didnt tell me what she was going through so no trust no respect for me that hurts. she refused to be out and thats odd, i unfortunately outed her to the kids and family but i dont feel bad because i am not the bad guy here.
I have been respectful and nice, she treats me like her husband who did something wrong??? i treat her like a loved friend and guest who i spent my whole life with. she cant even tell me she wants to be friends.

so i cut her a check for her half of the equity and i am betting the boys and i never see her again. that hurts because it deficates masonary on our history and our love. well my love.

thanks I know i didnt do anything wrong, i know i will be better off without her now, i know i feel pitty for her and hope she gets help. i believe she may think she is gay but it sure feels like she used the gay trump card to end the relationship and thought i would be pissed so she could be the victim.
Guess my love and compassion was stronger than hers, not very understanding for an all inclusive band of sisters who accept everyone accept straight ex spouses.

ugh i have had great support from family and friends and i am resigned, her behavior streangthens my resolve.

but well honestly what a jackass bitch. .