OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Inflection Point

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 21, 2021 1:45 pm

I am so glad I found this website that I can't stop the tears from falling. About a year ago is when everything changed. I must be honest that I had a feeling that my husband was gay, but he loved our family and me. He had a way with words and would somehow cause me to ignore my intuition. I tried to in some twisted way accommodate my husband and fill my void.

Long story made short - about 3 years ago, my husband started going to the gym around 8 pm after putting the kids (3) to bed. He would stay out until 2 am stating he and his gym buddies would have recreational smoking after the gym. These friends became a big part of his life and he started to spend a lot of time with them. There was mainly one friend, in particular, that he had developed a strong connection with. Let's call him Bill. Bill was married to Jerome and my husband repeatedly told me that they were all friends. However, I've noticed the amount of physical affection decreased for the last five years.

My husband also traveled for work for months, but he rarely wanted to 'be' with me when he returned. This landed us in therapy 2 years ago. The conclusion was my husband loved me but he was also bisexual. Last year, I started having feelings for a coworker, which led me to propose an agreement to my husband. We both decided to allow each other to explore an interest with these individuals. It has been almost a year and I am not happy. We have had too many arguments because of this agreement. I now realize that I knew he was gay and tried to accommodate what he wanted by allowing myself to be loved by another man. There is too much to write on why this agreement did not work, but the inflection point is when he has plans to come home for the holiday for 7 days. I told him that we (family) could pick him up from the airport now because I plan to get off early. He says that's ok because Bill is picking him up. Then we agreed on a time to spend together. He asks to change it because it's Jerome's birthday and they have plans to celebrate. Oh, he frequently hangs out with this group of gay friends. I had enough. I told him that he didn't want this married life anymore and he can have his new life. The agreement is not working. I want my peace back at all cost and I am letting him go. I have made the right choice as I have spent years trying to accommodate what he wants. I am ready to focus on what I want and that's to focus solely on my children and peace in my heart. This is not what I envisioned for my marriage, I did not picture that we would have other people in it. I understand this is a new life that he openly is able to explore and may have internal conflict. I don't want to stop him but I don't want to pretend this is ok in my world. I honestly know that we can't go back. Living his truth makes him happy. However, I have to take care of my feelings.

Thank you for providing a space to vent.

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (December 21, 2021 2:35 pm)

**Posted by Daryl** December 21, 2021 5:40 pm

Indeed, you are allowed to decide when something is not for you. Wishing you peace and strength as you move forward.

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 21, 2021 5:59 pm

I am still learning to use this form but thank you both!

I am not alone and I can totally relate!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** December 21, 2021 10:14 pm

When a woman starts seeing her life through her own honest eyes, without the emotional history from the other half of it....ie; your husband and your feelings for him....a woman can start rebuilding her individuality and discover what she wants and doesn't want in her life.

You're a shield for a man who doesn't want to admit who and what he is. You know who you are Gwen.
Take away the shield and be the woman you are

Elle
.......edited to say Welcome! to our Forum

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (December 21, 2021 10:15 pm)

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 22, 2021 5:58 am

All very true Ellexoh_nz! I am so happy that I found this group!

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 22, 2021 9:31 am

I told my husband it was over and he could choose his path without me in it on Sunday via text. He's working in another country right now ad no reply. It's Wednesday morning and I get a video call. He tells me that he's been in the hospital for 2 days but he got my messages. He proceeds to say, "I got your harassing messages but I've been sick and I didn't have my phone the last day or say (left in the Uber)." He doesn't know that I see he's been commenting on FB posts since Monday, but you couldn't call to say you will be in the HOSPITAL! These are the games he plays to MAKE me stay in his WORLD. BUT I am done and taking my PEACE back. I plan to see legal counsel to know my rights as a mother and protect myself. I have spoken to my CPA and canceled any miscellaneous bills that do not serve my household. I am so grateful that I found a place to know I can choose differently.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** December 22, 2021 12:53 pm

gwendolyn,
Your husband's actions and words to you are those of a desperate man who sees his "beard" refusing to provide cover for him anymore. They are classic moves. He tries a bid for sympathy: "I've been in the hospital." He throws in a "rational" excuse: "I left my phone in the Uber." He tries to make you into the attacker and put you in the wrong: "your harassing messages." This is the kind of blameshifting and gaslighting that before our eyes are opened causes us to doubt our perceptions and our ability to perceive correctly, which is exactly where they want us, because we are then easier to manipulate. That you have the evidence of his online behavior (commenting on FB) that exposes his lies and have moved past the point when you were willing to be "convinced" says you are well on your way (as does your anger).

Many of us here spent years "accommodating" our spouses, in too many ways. Your "arrangement" didn't work because it was never a choice you freely made, nor would you have ever on your own wanted it; it was simply a "choice" you made to "accommodate" when you felt you had no real choice.

Indeed, you can choose another way. One that leads to sanity, peace, and the ability to live according to your values.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 22, 2021 12:59 pm)

**Posted by Daryl** December 22, 2021 1:19 pm

You may want to keep records on these events and conversations plus the obvious proof of his deceptions.
Protect yourself. Sometimes when manipulation stops working, retribution may follow. More than one of us have discovered that their spouse had a mean and nasty streak that they never imagined could exist.

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** December 22, 2021 3:20 pm

OutofhisCloset and Daryl,

Thank you so much for the advice! You have no idea how this helps me!

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (December 22, 2021 3:20 pm)

**Posted by Soaplife** December 24, 2021 2:46 am

Gwen, in some places if you have consulted a lawyer about a divorce, even if you don't hire them the other partner cant engage them either. If that is the case where you live, you might want to mention it to your lawyer friend so your partner can't engage them.

You have got this. Its so hard but once you accept the truth you have to protect yourself and your future.

I hope you get through Christmas ok.