Sean

Thank you for the reply.  I often think of how hard it must be for him struggling with the idea/thoughts/feelings that he might be gay.  He stands to loose so much if he decides to come out and we get divorced.  He will loose his position in the church (he needs to be married for this); not to mention facing our families.  I want to help him and support him, but I also realise that I might not be able to.  I have to think about and protect me and the children.  And though I started reading up on gay lifestyles and others coming out stories, I simply am not equip to deal with it.  He is such a nice guy and everybody loves him - they would be used to his sexuality by now and loved him anyway.  Now its gonna be a much bigger deal because of him being married.

I understand what you say about more friends than lovers, because we've been that way since the beginning of our relationship and marriage.  I was happy and could live with sex every now and then until dried up completely.  Only then I began to ask questions and took a serious look at our marriage and intimate life.

In the meantime I discovered gay friends on his facebook page whom he does not share posts or comments with, but all clustered in one city - the city that he visits every second month for business.  I also discovered him following gay/bi men all over the world and our home country.  To me that was proof that my gut feeling was spot on - he is living a double life and it is not with another woman.  I think that is why I never had the feeling that he was cheating on me, because of the little interest he showed in women. 

Séan wrote:

Hello friends. I'm your worst nightmare. I am the gay, lying, cheating, narcissistic/sociopath of an ex-spouse. How's that for an introduction? 

I find it ironic that one of the most helpful and insightful people on this forum introduced himself in this way. 

I'm sure your ex-wife would agree with your intro, but the rest of us appreciate you sharing your experience and advice.   Thanks for sharing.  
 

You're both too kind. I've recently accepted the mistakes I've made, apologized to my ex-wife, and moved on. My goal here is to help others by sharing a different perspective. What you've written is encouraging so thank you. 

Mrs.Lonely,
It's not proof but a few things you said echoed my experience, when I asked about his sexuality I got a very calm and controlled response which sent the alarm bells off for me, I would have expected a shocked even angry response if it wasn't true.  Mine used to travel too.  For long time we were friends, not lovers.  And to top it off I never ever suspected he was cheating despite his many female friends.  In hindsight I think women gravitate to him as they sense it's safe to hang out with him..No offense to straight men on here but every straight guy I thought I was friends with was trying to sleep with me. 
Vicky

Thank you everyone for sharing. I'm now ready to share something more profound with all of you. In late August 2014, my (then) wife and I agreed to divorce. I wanted the divorce because I was a gay man trapped in a straight marriage. I wanted a divorce because I knew the weight of my secret was killing me. Like many of you, my (then) wife was against the divorce. After so many years of self-sacrifice, she thought I'd be as strong as she was to keep our family intact. Unfortunately I wasn't and ever the coward, I thought of suicide as a final solution. Just before announcing the divorce, she rightfully said it was my responsibility to tell our three children. After all, it was my decision not hers. I told them on a sunny Saturday morning and forever shattered their lives. My youngest was just five years old at the time and I remember him screaming through tears, "Why don't you love mom? Why don't you love mom anymore?" Just sharing this memory here has reduced me to tears. But I can't let a memory haunt me for the rest of my life which is why I'm forcing myself to share it. Memories are just ghosts and I can't let them haunt the present. So getting back to what happened, after I said 'divorce' my eldest ran into his room, sat on his bed, and cried. He was twelve at the time. My daughter, the middle child age 8, simply sat there in disbelief. IT WAS THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE and probably the worst moment of their lives as well. I hate to think that I caused them so much pain but I can't hold on to this pain forever. I often wonder if I made the right choice. I've made so many bad choices in my life that I'm a bit numb these days. Over the yeas, I choose so many faceless men and so many worthless hook ups over these beautiful children. And yet they still love me. My youngest still ran into my arms yesterday and gave me a big bear hug. Why am I sharing all of this? My selfish purpose in coming here was to feel better. I hope this isn't just the work of a black-belt narcissist. I needed to exorcise these toxic memories by sharing here. I need to move on. I need to start loving myself again. Thanks for reading my rambles friends.